Why Cristiano Ronaldo is like Lebron James, Or How to Enjoy the World Cup

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730DC

95 min readJun 20, 2018

Dear readers, my name is Savi Tuber and I am a massive football (soccer but it will be referred to as football) fan. I live in Washington, D.C. where I teach middle school history. So why did I write a comprehensive guide to watching the World Cup? So glad you asked.

Once the United States did not qualify for the World Cup, the collective opinion from most of my friends and family was pretty straightforward: Why should I watch? To me the answer was simple. The World Cup, like the Olympics, happens once every four years and is a time when the entire world gathers around radios, computers, and television screens of all sizes to witness their, or another, country’s chance to shine on the world stage. On the second day of the tournament, I watched Iran v. Morocco at a DC restaurant and nearly instantaneously bonded with a group of strangers there. We bonded over the narrative and the fact that one of the women was Iranian and Iran was playing in their opener.

When Iran scored a last gasp winner, the eleven of us erupted and the woman immediately started sobbing with joy. That is what the World Cup is all about.

I want everyone in this town to have that experience too. So here’s an accessible guide for you, prospective American football fan, to watch and enjoy. Not to mention, I’ve compared one of the stars of each team to an athlete who plays professionally in North America and compared their team as a whole to a North American team, so, you know, you’ll get it.

While my predictions will probably be very wrong, I hope that you’re able to latch onto a team or two and get excited about what is sure to be a special month of fandom! Nearly every bar in the city with TV has specials and will have fans gathering to watch throughout June and early July so find a local spot and enjoy!

Feel free to get in contact with me via Twitter @stoober5 or email me at Savi.Tuber5@gmail.com if you’d like to chat about the tournament in any capacity!

World Cup Groups:

Group A: Russia, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Uruguay
Group B: Spain, Portugal, Iran, Morocco
Group C: France, Denmark, Australia, Peru
Group D: Croatia, Argentina, Iceland, Nigeria
Group E: Serbia, Switzerland, Brazil, Costa Rica
Group F: Sweden, Mexico, South Korea, Germany
Group G: Belgium, England, Tunisia, Panama
Group H: Colombia, Japan, Senegal, Poland

1. Group A

Teams: Saudi Arabia, Russia, Egypt, and Uruguay

Russia:

Player to Watch: Alan Dzagoev. Dzagoev had an impressive Euro 2012, where he was one of the top scorers but has since plateaued somewhat after most people thought he’d transfer to a perennial European powerhouse. He elected to stay at CSKA Moscow and has been one of their most dynamic attackers ever since. Although he’s diminutive in stature, he is quick on the ball and has the ability to pick out a pass in tight spaces. If the Putin’s want to advance out of the group stages, they’ll need him to come through and be the creative, dynamic force that he was 6 years ago.
Alan Dzagoev American Athlete Comparison: Courtney Lee (guard for the New York Knicks). Now here me out: Russia is this year’s Knicks because of the fact that even though both teams aren’t good, they’re going to get some media attention because of who they are and their global importance. As the host nation, Russia will get plenty of fanfare and media attention even though their squad is not that good. The Knicks, are well, the Knicks and always get media attention. Similarly, the Knicks are run by James Dolan, who is arguably the worst owner in professional sports. Russia are run by Putin (really, try making another argument about how Russia got the World Cup in the first place). HUGE DISCLAIMER: Putin is a bad person. While James Dolan has been a terrible owner, he is not nearly the kind of homophobic, racist (insert other similarly-awful descriptor here) monster that Putin seems to be.
Young Player to Watch: Aleksei Miranchuk. Finding a young player to watch on the Russian squad was legitimately difficult; they only have two people under 24 with more than 6 caps. Miranchuk, a striker who plays for Lokomotiv Moscow, has four goals in 16 caps for the host nation. The striker position is relatively open at the moment and Miranchuk could compete for playing time immediately if he impresses in their pre-tournament fixtures.
X Factor: Igor Akinfeev. Akinfeev has seemingly been Russia’s starting goaltender since the Cuban Missile Crisis and he’ll captain the side and start between the pipes again for them this summer. Arguably the most recognizable name in the side, Akinfeev over 100 caps and is the most acclaimed goalkeeper in Russian history. Though he doesn’t have the reflexes or jumping ability that he once had, his leadership and experience will be invaluable if the hosts want to advance out of the group stages.
Key Fixture: vs. Egypt on June 19th. With Uruguay as the overwhelming favorite in the group, a victory over Egypt would do wonders for the host nation’s chances at advancing from group play
American Team Comparison: See Knicks rant above.

Saudi Arabia:

This is what happens when you stretch your hamstrings a lot.

Player to Watch: Mohammad Al-Sahlawi. Al-Sahlawi led the team with 16 goals in qualification and has a formidable scoring record for his home country, scoring 28 goals in 38 career appearances. In their first World Cup appearance since 2006, Al-Sahlawi will need to be on the scoresheet if The Green Falcons (their national team name #funfact) will hope to advance beyond the group stage for the first time since 1994.
Mohammad Al-Sahlawi American Athlete Comparison: Nate Thurmond (basketball), Rob Blake (Hockey), Orel Hersheiser (Baseball). What do these three individuals have in common you might ask. Well, they all went to Bowling Green State University. Why the hell am I mentioning the illustrious BGSU? Well, BGSU’s mascot is the Falcon. So the Bowling Green Falcons are as close to a team in America called the Green Falcons that I could think of so there ya go. Author’s (bluntly honest) note: I have never heard of any of the players on Saudi Arabia though I have watched some internet videos. Sports!
Young Player to Watch: Fahad Al-Muwallad. The 23 year old is one of three players on the team who plays his club football outside of the Arabian Peninsula (Levante, Spain). He’s scored 10 career international goals and will need to support Al-Sahlawi up front if the Falcons want to get on the scoresheet at all in Russia.
X Factor: Osama Hawsawi. The captain and central defender for the Falcons has over 130 caps and was the backbone of a defense that only conceded 14 goals in 18 matches throughout qualification. His experience and leadership will be vital if the Falcons want to reach the knockout phase.
Key Fixture: Opening Match vs Russia. If The Falcons can scrape a point (or even 3?!) against the home-side in the opener then they will have the confidence to go out and battle against Egypt and Uruguay. In the end, however, I don’t think that they have enough talent to advance beyond the group stage.
American Team Comparison: Bowling Green (state) Falcons. Fun fact: BGSU is not green!

Egypt:

Player to Watch: Mohammad Salah. When you type in “Moh” in Google, Mohammad Salah is the third person who comes up behind, oh just the Prince of Saudi Arabia and Mohandas Gandhi...so yeah, he’s kind of having his moment right now. The lightning-quick, elusive winger found his stride this year for Liverpool, leading them to a Champions League Final appearance. Salah had one of the best year’s in Premier League history, setting a new record for goals (32), while also winning the PFA Player of the Year. He led the team in goals and assists during qualification and he will need to continue his red-hot form if the Pharoahs want to make it out of the group stage.
Mo Salah American Athlete Comparison: Steph Curry. Salah has Curry-like swagger right now. They’re both small, quick, and cheeky. Curry is the only player in the world who can do some of the things he does and Salah is one of two (thanks for ruining the comparison, Messi), but Salah still has the excitement because it’s a relatively new phenomenon.
Young Player to Watch: Mahmoud Trezeguet. The 23 year old attacker was a started in his final four qualifying matches and had a great season with his Turkish club, Kasimpasa this year where he had 11 goals and 5 assists. Trezeguet chipped in two goals during qualification and will be crucial in taking some of the pressure and attention off Salah in the attacking third.
X Factor: Mohamed Elneny. Elneny is a rangy, fierce defensive midfielder is a regular contributor for Arsenal. The question, however, is whether or not he’ll be able to recover from his ankle injury he picked up in April. The Pharaohs will need him back at full fitness for the World Cup as he has the athleticism and quality in the middle of the park to dominate any of the other central midfielders in this group. In addition to the ground he can cover, he can turn defense to offense and will provide much-needed service to Salah on the counterattack.
Key Fixture: vs. Russia. This will be a huge game and I think Egypt have the edge due to their talisman, Salah.
American Team Comparison: 2013–2014 Golden State Warriors. Sticking with the Curry theme here. This was the time when everyone who watched basketball absolutely adored Steph Curry. He was doing things that were seemingly unthinkable and having so much god damn fun doing it! The Warriors made the playoffs but got eliminated in the first round after a hardfought series against their rivals, the Los Angeles Clippers. It is hard to find people who are not pure Liverpool-haters who didn’t enjoy watching Salah dance around defenders and calmly chip goalies this year. Similar stature, similar swag, similarly lovable, Salah will carry the Pharaohs on a longer-than-expected run as one of this years darlings of the tournament.

Uruguay:

Player(s) to Watch: Luis Suarez and Edinson Cavani. These two world-class strikers can score with the best of them. The dynamic duo was responsible for scoring or assisting on 23 of their 32 goals in qualifying and will be an incredibly difficult task for any side to defend against. Suarez brings tenacity, creativity, and speed while his striking partner, Cavani, resembles something of a Greek God with his broad shoulders, flowing dark hair, and gravity-defying leaping ability. The pressure and high hopes of their small home nation rest squarely upon their shoulders.
Luis Suarez and Edinson Cavani American Athlete Comparison(s): Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol on the mid 2000s Lakers. Kobe and Suarez are two of the most ruthless scorers in the past twenty years and both played with other all-time greats (Shaq and Messi). In addition, both have questionable pasts (Kobe for some legal/marriage problems to keep it PG) and Suarez for biting opponents. No seriously, this has happened numerous times. Cavani is a beast up front and does the dirty work in a graceful fashion a la Pau Gasol. Similarly, both of these guys are underrated and incredibly important to their team’s success.
Young Player to Watch: Jose Gimenez. At only 23 years old, Gimenez already has over 40 caps and 4 goals for The Sky Blue (p.s. these team names awesomely simple. What color is the jersey? Sky blue? Done.) and is a first choice center-back for perennial champions league contender, Atletico Madrid. That being said, Gimenez is going to be one of the best center-backs in the world in just a couple years so better get used to his name now.
X Factor: The young midfield. The Sky Blue played their final few qualification games with the young trio of Rodrigo Betancur, 21, Matias Vecino, 26, and Giorgian de Arrascaeta, 24, pulling the strings in the middle of the park. While they were successful and played very well, the World Cup is a different stage the the microscope will be honed in on these three lads. With only 39 caps between them(!), they will need to adjust to the spotlight quickly if they want to make the most of this tournament.
Key Fixture: vs Russia. While Egypt is a better side, the home team will undoubtedly be looking to make a statement against the group favorite and I imagine the refereeing will be, um, suspect in this one.
(North) American Team Comparison: Montreal Canadiens. A storied past for a relatively small market/country. This team has an avid following amongst its supporters and was one of the most successful teams in the early days of their respective leagues/tournaments. In fact, Uruguay won two World Cup Finals and two Gold Medals between 1930 (first WC ever) and 1950 but haven’t won since. While the the Canadiens have won more recently, 1993, they also play every year. The Canadiens have had some star power in recent years, like the Sky Blue, and just a few years ago the Canadiens were challenging for the Stanley Cup. Can the Sky Blue defy the odds and challenge for the title this year? It wouldn’t shock me…

Overall Group Prediction:

1st: Uruguay 7 pts (beat S.A. and Russia, tie Egypt)

2nd: Egypt 5 pts (beat S.A., tie Uruguay and Russia)

3rd: Russia 4 pts (beat S.A., tie Uruguay, lose to Uruguay)

4th: Saudi Arabia (lose all three)

2. Group B

Teams: Iran, Morocco, Portugal, Spain

Iran:

Kelvin Sampson (L) and Rob Gray (R) of the Houston Cougars. Just keep reading.

Context: After an undefeated qualifying campaign, the Iranians will have realistic hopes of surviving a tough group to advance to the knockout stage for the first time in their nation’s history. Under experienced manager Carlos Queiroz, Team Melli will need discipline and poise to survive what is sure to be three taxing matches in the group stages. In 2014, the team most notably held Argentina scoreless for 90 minutes until Lionel Messi clinically curved a beauty into the side-netting to crush the dreams of millions of Iranians. Queiroz and company will hope to build on that important experience ahead of difficult matches against two perennial powerhouses in their group: Portugal and Spain.
Player to Watch: Alireza Jahanbakhsh. While striker Sardar Azmoun gets much of the attention as the target man, dynamic winger Jahanbakhsh has the rare combination of striker-like finishing skills coupled with the technical control of a winger. Playing as an attacking midfielder with his club team, AZ Alkmaar in the Dutch Eredivisie, Jahanbakhsh led the league in goals, 21, and was tied for third in assists with 12. While one might argue that previous scoring leaders in the Eredivisie include notable Tottenham failure Vincent Janssen, Jahanbakhsh was also voted Man of the Match in an impressive 42% of his total appearances this season and will undoubtedly provide Team Melli with the dynamism and finishing ability needed to survive the group stages.
American Athlete Comparison: Rob Gray, Houston Cougars (men’s college basketball). Gray, the big-shot-making, swag-dripping, point guard was the face of the Houston Cougars team who featured in two of this year’s most entertaining games in March Madness. Gray led the American Athletic Conference in points per game, was top five in assists, and was seriously under-hyped heading into the tournament. Jahanbakhsh, like Gray, plays in a “mid-major” league and is seriously overshadowed heading into the World Cup finals. Will Jahanbakhsh steal the hearts of the thousands twelve non-Iranian fans rooting for them to advance?! Maybe?
Young Player to Watch: Saeid Ezatolahi. The 21 year-old center midfielder has was nicknamed “The Iranian Pogba” by….some (possibly?) credible Iranian news source. After spending the last thirty minutes scouring his YouTube highlights, you can actually see why. At 6’3, Ezatolahi is a commanding presence in the midfield and already has 21 caps to his name. He plays in a box-to-box role and seemingly glides around the pitch in large part due to his enormous stride. Unfortunately, he will miss their first match against Morocco from a red card suspension picked up in qualification.
X Factor: Carlos Queiroz. Most countries with Iran’s soccer pedigree don’t have an experienced, renowned manager like Queiroz. He has led three different nations to the World Cup (South Africa, Portugal, and Iran), served as manager of Real Madrid, and somewhat famously worked as Sir Alex Ferguson’s top assistant for over four years at Manchester United. Team Melli should be well prepared and organized ahead of each of their clashes, which will be immensely important given their difficult group.
Key Fixture: vs Morocco. While they’ll probably need to get a point from one of their matches versus Portugal/Spain, their opening match against Morocco will be a crucial fixture. If they can get three points against the Moroccans then they’ll be in great shape ahead of their next two matches.
American Team Comparison: Houston Cougars. On top of the Rob Gray comparison, Houston also had an unusually experienced coach, Kelvin Sampson, given their mid-major status. Sampson, who is now most notably remembered for being a bad cheater while head coach at Indiana, does have major game experience, which was undoubtedly important in the Cougars run. Side note: Sampson must have been REALLY, REALLY bad at cheating because nobody else got caught for another 5 years.
Tactics with Tuber (new feature!): Team Melli will sit back and defend against Portugal and Spain, while hoping that they can scrape together a few chances on the counter and on set pieces. Against Morocco, however, I’d attack in the first twenty minutes to put the pressure on the Moroccans. If they can score early then they’ll be able to sit back and defend against a Moroccan side that will struggle to break them down in open play.

Morocco:

Context: The Atlas Lions, yes….that’s their nickname, are back in the World Cup for the first time in twenty years! Yay for them! They’ll hope to advance past the group stage for the second time (’86) but will have their work cut out for them. Crazy stat: The Atlas Lions, allowed zero goals in six matches played in qualifications.
Player to Watch: Medhi Benatia. Benatia is the captain and leader of the Lions historic defense and plays his club football for Juventus. Commanding in the air, sound positionally, and a constant communicator, Benatia is the total package as a center back. He played every minute during the final round of qualifying and was the key cog in their impermeable defense.
American Athlete Comparison: Goran Dragic. Like Benatia, Dragic is the best player (for now #Doncicwatch) from his small nation and is the most successful playing in a major league. Dirk Nowitzki and the Greek Freak were other possible comparisons, but Benatia is more of a fringe-all star level player, like Dragic, rather than a perennial all-star like Dirk and Giannis. Dragic led the Slovenians to the EuroBall championship in 2017, can Benatia lead Morocco to the same glory?! (spoiler: probably not).
Young Player to Watch: Achraf Hakimi. The 19 year old right back featured in 9 games for Real Madrid this year and even scored two goals. Not sure which is more impressive, the fact that he actually played in 9 games for Real Madrid or that he scored two goals; either way, he’s legit. He uses his long stride (he’s 5’11, which is rather tall for a fullback) to cover acres of space down the right flank, but has the technical ability and typical Real Madrid cheekiness to tantalise defenders when he gets forward. This youngster is the real deal and if he can be the two-way threat that he’s capable of being then they’ll have a legitimate chance at reaching the knockout phase.
X Factor: Hakim Ziyech. Prediction: Ziyech gets purchased for over 26 million euros by a bigger club after the World Cup. The 25 year old creative midfielder who plays his club football for Ajax is one of those rare players who can consistently unlock a packed-in defense. He led the Eredivisie in key passes per game (4.2), a stat that measures the number of passes that directly led to a shot on goal, and was over one whole pass higher per game than the second place finisher. Not to mention, he’s a lefty, which means that he has even more swagger and everything he does looks that much cooler. (Author’s note tangent: This is definitely true across sports. Baseball: Lefty swings look absolutely gorgeous regardless of how talented the player is. I grew up with a kid named Greg Pachner, who was not great in little league baseball but he was the only lefty we had and his stroke looked beautiful. In fact, there’s even a YouTube video called “Left-Handed Swings of Beauty.” Basketball: If you remember Morris Peterson then that’s all I need to say. You wouldn’t remember him if he wasn’t a lefty. Golf: Mike Weir. If you know him, it’s because he was a lefty (and Canadian). Soccer: Lefties who can absolutely crush a free kick (John Arne Riise) or can put ridiculous spin (Roberto Carlos) on a shot or cross are always more enjoyable than righties. It’s science).
Key Fixture: See Iran description above but swap the teams
American Team Comparison: Philadelphia 76ers. The 76ers are young and talented and surprised everyone with the success they had this regular season. The Atlas Lions (still awesome) are young and talented and surprised everyone with their stellar qualification results. Benatia, like Embiid, is a beast that everyone knew about and they both anchor an elite level defense. People didn’t know how good Simmons would be this year, which is similar to how impressed people will be when they actually lay eyes on Ziyech doing dirty things in the attacking third. Lastly, the 76ers have a coach who has been great but will undoubtedly be on the hot seat if they don’t succeed next year. Herve Renard, the Moroccan manager, will most likely get the axe if the Atlas Lions don’t advance from the group stage (the life of an international manager, folks).
Tactics with Tuber: The opening match with Iran will be crucial for the squad and their tactics will be incredibly important. If they are disciplined enough to sit back in the opening portion of the match, I think they can get a few chances late on. They have enough talent in the attacking third to get a goal or two, and if they can catch Iran on the break I think they’ll get three points though it will be difficult.

Portugal:

Context: Although they haven’t missed a major tournament since the ’98 World Cup, but they have not much had the best success at the World Cup level since their fourth place finish in 2006. A disappointing 2014 tournament saw them fail to advance beyond the group stage, while 2010 saw them fail to progress beyond the round of 16. That aside, they’re coming off a historic 2016 European Championship victory, where they leaned heavily on a stalwart defense to upset heavily-favored France with an extra time winner in the final. Will this thrilling victory inspire them to go for glory in the World Cup or will they have a bit of a Euro-hangover? I think the latter!
Player to Watch: Cristiano Ronaldo. Boring, I know but the dude is still incredible. As the most capped player (149) and highest goal scorer in Portuguese history, any team’s game plan will start with attempting to contain CR7. He was even just ranked by ESPN as the world’s most famous athlete so I’m just going to stop now.
American Athlete Comparison: Lebron James. The parallels are actually kind of crazy. Both athletes are physical freaks who take immense pride in the longevity of their prime and being legitimate aliens. Both athletes have an absurd amount of ab muscles that I didn’t know were even humanly possible of having. Both have been in the international spotlight since they were 18 AND both have exceeded any realistic expectations. Both had brief stints playing for teams with orange and black jerseys in bigger markets than their hometown teams. Both have managed to have an almost perfect off the court/field record and both are, by all accounts, dedicated fathers.
Young Player to Watch: Goncalo Guedes. The 21 year old attacking midfielder was on loan from Paris St. Germain this season at Valencia and produced six goals and nine assists in all competitions. His tidy dribbling and ability to produce something from nothing in tight spaces could be instrumental if he is given the opportunity. If, however, is the key-word as the starting eleven will be dominated by holdovers from their championship-winning side in 2016.
X Factor: Bernardo Silva. The 23 year old Manchester City attacking midfielder will shoulder the majority of the creative burden for the Navigators (shoutout to colonialism and oppressing lots of other countries all around the world) and his final passes will be critical in order to give CR7 the service he needs. Silva played well in his first year at Manchester City in limited playing time but was often stuck behind Kevin De Bruyne, David Silva, and other world class attacking midfielders. If Portugal are to make a late run into the tournament, he’ll have to be the maestro of their orchestra.
Key Fixture: vs Morocco. While the opening match against Spain will get the attention, I think it’s how they respond to the Spain match that will be the most telling. If they can get a point or three then they’ll need to not let up against a Morocco side that is difficult to break down. If they lose to Spain, which I expect, then they’ll have immense pressure to get three points against the Atlas Lions (had to get it in there one more time).
American Team Comparison: Cleveland Cavaliers. The Lebron comparison continues. I noted all the individual parallels between these two historic players but they also both led their teams to improbable championships in 2016. Portugal will need a 2016-Lebron-NBA Finals-like performance from CR7 in this tournament if they want to repeat as major trophy winners.
Tactics with Tuber: Portugal was successful in the Euros because they largely played on the counter. They used Ronaldo’s pace and set piece ability to get timely goals but this will be difficult in their group. Iran and Morocco will both sit back and make life uncomfortable for them for 90+ minutes. Their team selection will be crucial in their three matches (The Alexei Lalas Obvious Comment of the Piece). Against Spain they’ll need experienced, disciplined defensive midfielders to sit back. Conversely, they’ll need youthful, creative passers against the other two sides if they want to progress.

Spain:

Context: From 2008–2012 La Roja (yay colors!) put together arguably the most impressive run of form in the history of international soccer; winning the two Euro titles (’08 and ’12) and the 2010 World Cup. While there are only a few holdovers from that impressive stretch, the team boasts a plethora of young talent poised to flip the switch on their disappointing 2014 and 2016 campaigns. Manager Julen Lopetegui has not lost a match since he took over following their horrific showing at the 2016 Euros and the soccer-rich nation will be extremely disappointed with anything outside of a final four appearance.
Player to Watch: Isco. While the centerback pairing of Sergio Ramos and Gerard Pique has been the best in football for the past ten years and Andres Iniesta, the magician, is still turning in throwback performances in the middle of the pitch, the key to the ignition lies in the hands of Isco. The 26 year old attacking midfielder will be the decisive factor in the final third that will enable the Spanish to break down the best defenses in the world. His hat trick in a recent 6–1 thrashing of Argentina should give him, and his manager, the confidence to lead La Roja back to international football glory.
American Athlete Comparison: Kawhi Leonard. Spain, like the San Antonio Spurs, are a soccer/basketball purist’s favorite team. They play beautifully, rely on crisp, quick passing, sound defense, and experience to wear down their opponents. Leonard, like Isco, was a fringe player during the Spurs first glory run in the Tim Duncan/Tony Parker/Manu Ginobili era. Spain’s Duncan was soft-spoken, leader-by-example Xavi Hernandez and his sidekicks, Iniesta and Busquets. Both of those guys, like Manu and Parker, are still turning in ageless performances at times but this tournament is all about the youngbloods if they want to succeed. Isco, like Kawhi prior to his Finals MVP, was the oft-forgotten catalyst of the offense but will be relied on heavily if Spain are to progress deep in the tournament.
Young Player to Watch: Marco Asensio. The 22 year old attacking midfielder has become a regular for Real Madrid, appearing in 50 matches and scoring double-digit goals in all competitions. While it will be difficult for him to break into the starting eleven, his athleticism and pace makes him the perfect super-sub. With 10 caps already to his name and the youngest player on the squad, it will be important for Lotengui to get him some minutes throughout the tournament if possible.
X Factor: Diego Costa. The often maligned striker is the perfect villain and will undoubtedly be high on the wanted list of many countries if Spain are able to make a deep run in the tournament. For how obnoxious and annoying he can be, however, he is also quite good at football. The only hole in the Spanish side is at striker and Costa will look to silence his critics and build confidence during the group stage. He scored 7 goals in 23 appearances across all competitions and should be fully healthy as the tournament begins. If he can perform clinically in front of the net then Spain will be one of the favorites to hoist the trophy on July 15th.
Key Fixture: vs Portugal. If Spain can get 3 points against their Iberian rivals then they’ll be in the driver’s seat to win the group. If they’re able to capture the initial 3 points then a victory in their second match against Iran will enable them to rest players before the Knockout phase.
American Team Comparison: San Antonio Spurs. See above.
Tactics with Tuber: Rotate, rotate, rotate. This roster is a manager’s dream as you could form two starting lineups that would compete for a deep run in the tournament. They have depth at every position and if they can win their first game against Portugal they should have the liberty to rotate their eleven throughout the remainder of the group stage. I’d give the young lads a run and wouldn’t risk burning out the weary legs of Iniesta, Busquets, Silva, Ramos, and Pique.

Overall Group Prediction:

Spain: 3–0–0
Portugal: Lose to Spain , Tie Morocco, Beat Iran
Morocco: Lose to Spain, Tie Portugal, Beat Iran
Iran: Lose all three but all three will be one goal games.
Portugal advances to the group stage on goal differential.

3. Group C

Teams: Australia, Denmark, France, Peru

Australia:

Context: The Socceroos (what a name!) unconventionally clinched their fourth consecutive World Cup trip with a playoff final victory over Honduras. Get this: the current Australian manager, Bert van Marwijk was actually the manager for Saudi Arabia and led them to a very successful qualifying campaign. Shortly after qualifying, however, he stepped down from this post due to a contract dispute. Two months later, after finally leading the Socceroos to qualifying, their then coach Ange Postecoglou resigned and van Marwijk stepped in.
Player to Watch: Mile Jedinak. The 33 year old central midfielder is the captain of the Socceroos and has the beard to prove it. This bloke is a workhorse in the middle of the park and is not afraid to throw himself into a bone-crunching tackle. In true Aussie spirit, however, I’m entirely confident that he’d offer to buy the lad a beer within a few minutes of the end of the match. Jedinak plays has played in the premier league though he currently plays for almost-promoted side Aston Villa. He’ll sit in front of the back four and will make life difficult for any of the opposing team’s attacking midfielder. While he’s primarily a defensive-minded midfielder, he’s also dangerous on set pieces and look for him to have a few glorious chances on corner kicks.
American Athlete Comparison: Nick Collison on the Seattle SuperSonics. I’ll explain the Sonics comparison later, but Collison, like Jedinak was a workhorse who always did the little things and was never afraid to put his body on the line. Whether it was taking a charge, getting dunked on, or setting a good screen, Collison was a great guy to have on your team. Jedinak is not the most technical player, nor is he the fastest but he’ll always lead by example and will get stuck in with anyone. I’d bet big money that Jedinak gets a yellow card for an aggressive challenge on Paul Pogba in their opening match against France.
Young Player to Watch: Milos Degenek. The Socceroos do not have a plethora of young talent. In fact Degenek is the only chap under the age of 25 who has more than two caps for the island-nation. Degenek, however, is a solid contributor at centerback and played a huge role in their qualifying campaign. He’ll start alongside veteran defender Trent Sainsbury and will need to demonstrate his quality if the Socceroos have any chance to advance beyond the group stage.
X Factor: Aaron Mooy. Mooy plays his club football for Huddersfield Town in England and was a key contributor in their successful attempt to avoid relegation. Mooy is a gifted passer and can play in an advanced number 10 role or as a deep-lying playmaker. He scored some crucial goals this year, most notably in their upset victory against Manchester United, but it was his tireless work rate in the midfield that kept his side from avoiding the devastating drop to the Championship.
Key Fixture: vs. Peru. If they are going to get a win this tournament, it’s probably going to be against Peru.
American Team Comparison: Seattle SuperSonics. Find me a person who hates the Seattle SuperSonics, I dare you. Like the Sonics, nobody really hates the Socceroos. Australia as a nation is incredibly likeable and they have a generally great appreciation of the outdoors and what’s really important in life. People in the northwest also have a great appreciation for the outdoors and definitely make the most of their surroundings. Their soccer team, unlike their rugby team, is also not very good so it’s even harder to hate them. Also, shoutout to Aron Baynes because he’s the best. Good on ya!
Tactics with Tuber (new feature!): Defend, counter, and set pieces. They’re going to drop a ton of men behind the ball and hope that they can make the most out of Mooy’s quality on the ball to bang in some set pieces.

Denmark:

Context: This Scandinavian peninsula-nation qualified for its first major international competition since the 2012 European Championships after a 5–1 aggregate finish against Ireland in the qualifying playoffs. Interestingly enough, they have advanced beyond the group stages in three of their four other World Cup berths and they should advance beyond the group stages again in Russia.
Player to Watch: Christian Eriksen. Eriksen is my favorite player in the world so this will be unapologetically biased. He’s not the fastest, certainly not the biggest, and not the flashiest but anyone who appreciates football understands how capable this lad is. His passing ability is world-class but what separates him from other attacking midfielders is his intelligence. He reads the game incredibly well and uses his technical ability and stamina to influence the game on both ends. He works tirelessly on defense and is the cog that makes Denmark go. He delivers inch-perfect set pieces and has been known to smash in a glorious free kick. Denmark will ride his shoulders this tournament and in case you forgot, he’s better than Ozil.
American Athlete Comparison: Jose Altuve. Like Altuve, Eriksen is small and seemingly ordinary at first glance. Altuve made his first all-star game in 2012 when the Astros were AWFUL. Five years later, the Astros are the defending World Series champs and Altuve was MVP. Now I’m not going to say that Denmark is going to win the World Cup and Barcelona will buy him for 200 million (because that would break my heart), but I do see Eriksen leading the Danes to a nice run in Russia and it leading to the Danish dynamo finally getting the world recognition that he deserves. Very selfishly, I hope they stink and everyone thinks he’s overrated so he can continue to pick apart Premier league defenses for Tottenham for years and years to come.
Young Player to Watch: Young player is mixed in with X Factor (Yussuf Poulsen)
X Factor: The rest of the attack. The Danes have a solid defense but scoring goals and getting productive attacking play from anyone outside of Eriksen will be critical for their success. Yussuf Poulsen, the 23 year old attacker plays anywhere along the front line for his club team, RB Leipzig and uses his pace to regularly get in behind opposing defenses. Opposing teams will game plan to stop Eriksen so Poulsen and fellow 23-year-old winger Pione Sisto will be crucial if the Danes are to progress. The biggest question, however, is up top. Long-time talented but generally hated striker Niklas Bendtner (classic former Arsenal player) should be healthy following a minor injury but his general lack of productivity might make Danish fans demand the inclusion of 20-year old talent, Kasper Dolberg to take the reins from the former Arsenal frontman.
Key Fixture: vs Peru. Three points would be massive if the Danes are able to get them from the South American side who struggle mightily when playing outside of the Andes.
American Team Comparison: Milwaukee Bucks. The Bucks, like the Danes, have one world-class superstar (The Greek Freak) and a bunch of other solid pieces. Regardless of how “solid” those other guys are, they are absolutely hopeless without their star-player. Milwaukee (and Wisconsin in general), like Denmark, is sometimes forgotten as a state (cue in hate mail by the imaginary friends I have from Wisconsin), especially when compared to its other northern-midwest states. It is also quite cold in both places but also quite lovely in the summer! I’ve never been to either place in the summer but everyone I know who has been to Milwaukee raves about how nice it is there for like 2.5 months of the year. I’ve been to Copenhagen in the spring and it was quite nice so I’m not entirely full of shit (just mostly).
Tactics with Tuber: The real question for the Danes is what to do with Andreas Christensen. The 22 year old defender starts for Chelsea and played a key role in their disappointing campaign this year (lol sucks to suck). The Danes, however, have a trusted centerback pairing in captain Simon Kjaer and Andreas Bjelland. Manager Age Hareide has flirted with putting Christensen in defensive midfield but it will be interesting to see how he can use them. I’d experiment with three defenders and use some of their pacy wingers as wingbacks to get width and thus open up the middle of the pitch for Eriksen to work his magic.

France:

Antoine Griezmann, looking a bit Arrested Development chicken.

Context: Les Blues, a perennial powerhouse in world football, are coming off a 2016 Euro Finals loss in which they were upset by Portugal in overtime. The French have been trophy-less since the turn of the century and if this generation of talented footballers goes without a trophy then it will undoubtedly be seen as a disappointment. Losing centerback and leader Laurent Koscielny to injury before the tournament will be challenging but they have the talent to make up for it.
Player to Watch: Antoine Griezmann. Griezmann is a dynamic attacking player who can play anywhere across the front line. Although he is small in stature, this lad gives defenders nightmares with his constant movement and finishing ability. He’ll probably play in a free role as a second striker to maximize his uncanny ability to find space in dangerous areas. He’s a rare forward player who doesn’t need service to create opportunities because of his own quickness, technical ability, and creativity.
American Athlete Comparison: Dwyane Wade circa 2011 Miami Heat. D-Wade was a legendary player before he teamed up with Lebron. In fact, with the help of Shaquille O’Neal, he led the Miami Heat to an improbable NBA championship in 2006. Griezmann has won youth international trophies, the Europa league, and more but is now often overshadowed by his fellow countrymen, Paul Pogba. Pogba is an international star with the flair and branding of Lebron. Pogba features in commercials, on billboards, and is one of the most easily recognizable players in the world. If France do not win a trophy with this generation of talent it will be undoubtedly disappointing but they are going to need Griezmann, not Pogba, to be the one to lead them to the promised land.
Young Player to Watch: Kylian Mbappe. The 19 year old striker was playing “on loan” (some shady stuff going on here) at Paris St. Germain this season where he scored 13 goals in 27 appearances for the French giants. He’ll probably split time with veteran striker Olivier Giroud but France will need his electric pace to balance out the molasses-like pace of Giroud.
X Factors: Raphael Varane and Samuel Umtiti. With Koscielny out, much of the defensive burden will fall on the young shoulders of Varane, 25, and Umtiti, 24. While both consistently featured for Spanish juggernauts Real Madrid and Barcelona respectively, they’ll need to overcome their club rivalries to find the chemistry if Les Blues are going to hoist the trophy in July. They both have the physical tools to thrive at the tournament and have captain and veteran goalkeeper Hugo Lloris behind them to help their transition.
Key Fixture: Opener vs Australia. Shouldn’t be a problem but setting the tone with a commanding victory will be important.
American Team Comparison: 2011 Miami Heat (see above). The big question is will France be the 2011 Miami Heat who famously got upset by the Dallas Mavericks or the 2012 Miami Heat who were finally able to hoist the Larry O’Brien Trophy??
Tactics with Tuber: Play the youth up top. Start Mbappe and have Ousmane Dembele and Griezmann on the flanks! They’re all pacey, creative, and can finish in front of net. This will also allow them to bring in super-sub Giroud off the bench for set piece purposes.

Peru:

Context: Los Incas, as commonly referred to by people outside the country of Peru, qualified for their first World Cup since 1982 after beating New Zealand in the final playoff match. The mountainous-nation came in fifth in the South American qualifying, narrowly edging out perennial power Chile on goal differential. Unfortunately they’ll be missing striker Paolo Guerrero due to a cocaine ban (the entire story is pretty bizarre and uses centuries-old Incan lore to help plead his case of innocence).
Player to Watch: Jefferson Farfan. The 33 year old attacker will carry the heavy goal-scoring burden for the Peruvians and will be called upon to deliver in Russia, where he plays his club football. The Peruvians have a well-known home-field advantage in the high altitude of Lima but they’ll need more than that if they are to progress from the group in Russia. They certainly won’t back down from a challenge, as they are used to playing against some of the best international teams in the world in qualifying. Farfan will need to use his pace and technical savvy to pick apart the three sound defenses he’ll face off against in his group.
American Athlete Comparison: Floyd Landis. Landis was the highest-profile teammate of cycling star Lance Armstrong, who was famously suspended for drug use. Tangent: In googling famous drug suspensions in sports I came across some bizarre shit. For example, an East German woman had a sex change due to steroids (though unclear if she wanted to have the sex change? Seems like a questionable move to go from a woman to a man if you want to succeed in the Olympics). Similarly, her teammate, Roland Schmidt grew 36 Triple D breasts and flat out stopped producing testosterone. Imagine being Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt when your son comes home for Christmas to find out that he now has INSANELY HUGE breasts! Would love to have seen the reactions at the Schmidt household.
Young Player to Watch: Renato Tapia. The 22 year old central midfielder plays for Feyernoord in the Dutch league during the year but is already a regular starter for his home country. The feisty, tireless runner is not afraid of a challenge and will need to set the tone against Denmark and Australia if Los Incas want to advance beyond the group stage.
X Factor: Christian Ramos. The 29 year old centerback is the heart and soul of the Peruvian defense. In addition to his standout positioning and tackling ability, he is dangerous on set pieces and even pitched in one of the goals that sent Los Incas passed New Zealand in the playoff match. If he can keep the defense organized and compact then they have a legitimate chance to advance to the knockout stage.
Key Fixture: vs Denmark. This should be the all-important fixture if France take care of business and if Australia are as underwhelming as anticipated.
American Team Comparison: The Colorado Rockies. Peru, like the Rockies, have a legitimate home field advantage due to the altitude. Peru did well at home in qualifying but struggled on the road against the higher-quality opponents in South America. Russia will be very different than Peru and while Farfan plays his club soccer in the motherland, it will be be undoubtedly different and challenging for them to acquire points against two European nations sure to have massive followings.
Tactics with Tuber: Get a little dirty with the Europeans! South American football is always a bit…cheeky. If Peru can mess up the match a little and get into the heads of the Danes and French then they might be able to steal a few points.

Overall Group Prediction:

France: 7 pts → Beat Peru, Australia, Tie Denmark
Peru: 4 pts → Beat Australia, Lose to France, Tie Denmark
Denmark: 5 pts → Beat Australia, Tie Peru and Denmark
Australia: 0 pts → womp womp.

Group D

Teams: Argentina, Croatia, Iceland, Nigeria

Argentina:

Here are a lot of Real Madrid players trying to stop Messi

Context: After squeaking into the World Cup thanks to some late heroics from national legend Lionel Messi, the Albiceleste (means Sky Blue and White #creativity) will look to bounce back from three successive heartbreaking defeats in international competition. They have lost two Copa America finals and one World Cup final in the past four years and the core of this gifted generation of footballers has hit the wrong side of thirty and this may be their last chance. Just in case you forgot, Argentina lost to Germany in 2016 in extra time on a brilliant goal from Mario Gotze.
Player to Watch: Lionel Messi. Boring I know, but this team wouldn’t be in Russia without it’s talisman. First off, let’s take a look at some of his accomplishments. Top three accomplishments on the team side: he’s won La Liga 9 times, a gold medal, and the Champions league 4 times. Individually, he’s won 5 Ballon D’Or’s (aka the best player in all competitions that calendar year and tied for most all time with CR7), he’s won the European Golden Shoe award for the player with the most goals across competitions, and (my favorite stat) is that he has scored 374 goals in 410 La Liga appearances. So basically he’s scored in 91% of every club match he’s ever played as a professional. That is insane. AND he’s 5’7…on a good day. Tangent: He’s got to be on the Mount Rushmore of really-fuckin-short guys. Other notable additions could be: Napoleon (dude literally has his own complex…. and it exists in OTHER PEOPLE’S MINDS); Gandhi (he’s one of those international people that even the dumbest of Americans knows his name even if they have no idea what he did); and the fourth spot is still up for grabs (could be an article by itself).
American Athlete Comparison: Michael Jordan. Jordan and Lebron, like Messi and Ronaldo, are arguably the greatest footballers of all time and are the easiest to compare because they play at the same time. As I documented in the Portugal preview, Ronaldo and Lebron are both similarly freakish athletes. Messi is….different. At 5’7 he’s not the powerful, speedy, titan of a man that his Portuguese nemesis is. What he is, however, is the most technically gifted players of all time. Whether it’s making arguably the best centerback fall on his ass and them chipping the best goalie in the world or dribbling through the entire team at 19, this lad is simply amazing. Similarly to Jordan, Messi has had to endure the physical pounding that comes with not being an alien (CR7 and Lebron) but was still able to be one of, if not the, best player of all time.
Young Player to Watch: Giovani Lo Celso. Lo Celso is a 22 year old center midfielder from Paris St. Germain. He’s only one of two players under 24 on this aging Argentine roster but he’ll have a shot to get some minutes at defensive midfield for manager Jorge Sampaoli if he plays well in their pre-tournament friendlies. With their attacking third surplus, Lo Celso and others will need to be efficient and responsible in their positioning and tackling so that they can regain possession quickly.
X Factor: Goalkeepers. 2014 holdover and penalty specialist Sergio Romero was recently ruled out for the tournament with injury so the keeping duties will come down to either Willy Caballero or Franco Armani. Caballero is undoubtedly more experienced, having played for massive clubs like Chelsea and Manchester City, but as those fans will attest, he is known for a calamitous mistake every few games. Armani on the other hand, has zero caps and but is no stranger to Argentine pressure as he plays for Argentine powerhouse River Plate. Whoever Sapaoli chooses will have massive pressure and if they are able to play at an average level and avoid major mistakes then they’ll be in great shape to hoist the trophy in July.
Key Fixture: Opener vs Iceland. They will need to set the tone as one of the favorites in the tournament and Iceland will be well-drilled and will defend for nearly the entire match. They also have a free kick expert on their team (stay tuned) who could test their weak keepers. That plus there will be 30k Vikings with beards the size of Patagonia yelling nice things (Icelandic people are supposedly very nice) to keep the Argentines on their toes.
American Team Comparison: I’ve written too much. 2018 Houston Rockets. Two hall of fame players with individual accolades but no titles.
Tactics with Tuber (new feature!): Play three centerbacks (Fazio, Otamendi, and Mascherano) to allow wingbacks to provide width. This will give Messi, Di Maria, and others room to create in the middle. Also, start Aguero…not Higuain.

Croatia:

Checkers, euphoria, side shaves, the whole thing

Context: This generation of Croatian footballers is arguably their best in the country’s history. They have talent all over the place and have one of the best pair of central midfielders in the world in Luka Modric and Ivan Rakitic. In 2016, hey were knocked out of the euros in extra time by eventual champion Portugal after a disappointing campaign in the 2014 World Cup. The national team is often infected by sketchy politicians, rabid fans, and a sports-crazy nation that has high expectations for their checkered-jersey-wearing athletes. At 33/1, they’re my longshot bet to win it all.
Player to Watch: Luka Modric. Modric, like several other players listed here before, is a diminutive figure but dominates the middle of the park with his deft passing ability and tireless workrate. With his flowing blonde hair and witch-like nose, this maestro can control a match with his passing and unparalleled ability to read the game. Whether it’s smashing 65-yard crossfield passes on a dime or ripping ferocious volleys in the back of the net, there isn’t much on the field that Modric can’t do.
American Athlete Comparison: Steve Nash. Nash, like Modric, was a small, long-haired, pure passer who could make just about every pass on a basketball court. Nash’s signature pass was his uncanny ability to throw behind-the-back passes that would hit his teammates in the perfect position to score. While Modric doesn’t make many behind the back passes, he can use the outside of his right foot better than anyone in the world and can pick apart any defense with the wave of his wand (aka outside of his foot). Sidenote: anyone who says that he should just use his left foot is silly and ridiculous because these passes are insanely awesome.
Young Player to Watch: Mateo Kovacic. Kovacic, a box-to-box midfielder who plays for Real Madrid, just turned 24 and will have a difficult time cracking the Croatian starting lineup. As an attack-minded central midfielder, he’ll have a tough time supplanting Rakitic and does not have the defensive nature of defensive midfielder Marcelo Brozovic. That aside, Kovacic will undoubtedly have a chance to impact matches off the bench with his quality and tenacity.
X Factor: Dejan Lovren. Lovren had the best season of his career this year, as he started at centerback and helped lead Liverpool to a surprising berth in the Champions League final. If he can build off his form and shepard the Croatian back four with poise then I see them making a deep run in the tournament.
Key Fixture: Opener vs Nigeria. This is a difficult group and all three matches will be legitimate tests. If they can get three points against Nigeria in their opener then they’ll be in great shape to advance to the knockout round.
American Team Comparison: The 2006–2010 San Diego Chargers. For this five year period the Chargers had some of the most talented players in the league (Ladanian Tomlinson, Philip Rivers, to name a couple) and were a hipster-favorite to make a deep run in the playoffs. They had record-breaking offenses but the farthest they got was the AFC championship. Croatia also has incredibly talented players and has also been a hipster pick to make deep runs in recent tournaments, but they too have underwhelmed. What really makes these teams similar is that both of them have the best jerseys in their respective sports. Croatia has amazing checkered jerseys while the Chargers donned their legendary powder-blue uniforms with insane swag. Even fans of other teams would buy and sport these jerseys, that’s how cool they were.
Tactics with Tuber: Play Mario Mandzukic up top, not on the wing. Mandzukic, a tall, formidable force, has recently played as a winger for his club team, Juventus, but they should let Ivan Perisic and other wingers play out wide to keep Mandzukic in the box to maximize his aerial prowess.

Iceland:

TFW your 350,000 person country qualifies for the World Cup

Context: By now you probably know that Iceland is the smallest nation (population wise) to reach the World Cup. With a measly 350,000 people, it is rather amazing that the side reached the quarterfinals of the 2016 Euros after an improbably awesome upset over England.
Player to Watch: Gylfi Sigurdsson. Sigurdsson is an attacking midfielder who currently plays for Everton in the Premier League. Sigurdsson is basically a poor-man’s Christian Eriksen. He’s not the fastest or strongest but he is a clinical striker of the ball. He can hit sublime free kicks and delivers world-class corner kicks. He works tirelessly in defense and his skill on the ball will be crucial to alleviate some pressure off their defense.
American Athlete Comparison: Donte Ingram, Loyola Chicago. Like Iceland, Loyola rode its elite-level defense to the final four in this year’s NCAA tournament. Ingram, a standout defender, was generally tasked with guarding the opposing team’s best player. His length, strength, and quickness has garnered NBA attention and he has a legitimate chance to be drafted in the upcoming draft. Sigurdsson, while not the team’s best defender, is undoubtedly the most talented member of the squad and is one of the only ones who plays consistently for a top-flight club in Europe.
Young Player to Watch: Albert Gudmondsson. The 20 year old attacking midfielder plays for Dutch side PSV Eindhoven, but has spent some of his tenure in Holland loaned out to second division Jong PSV. In eight appearances for Eindhoven he has managed two assists and should be a rotation player next season. While he probably won’t start for Iceland, he could provide some talent and technical ability as a substitute if they find themselves trailing late in a match.
X Factor: Ragnar Sigurdsson. Another Sigurdsson, but this one has an even more badass name. Ragnar spends the rest of his year fishing bare-handed in the Arctic waters, fighting with the Dothraki as a guest lecturer, and playing centerback for Russian side Rostov. With 75 caps and a familiarity playing in Russia, Sigurdsson will need to have his backline perfectly organized if they have any shot to advance to the knockout phase. He’s also a beast (unsurprisingly, his name is Ragnar) in the air and will be one of the primary targets that fellow Sigurdsson, Gylfi, will be looking for on set pieces.
Key Fixture: vs Nigeria. They open their campaign against Argentina and assuming they are unable to get a miracle point then their next match against Nigeria will be of critical importance.
American Team Comparison: Loyola University Chicago. The Ramblers, like the Icelandic squad in 2016, made a historic run in the tournament and surprised everyone, including their own chaplain, by reaching the Final Four. Iceland reached the final eight at the 2016 Euros, and while I don’t think they’ll be able to advance past the group stage in Russia, this string of results will undoubtedly the next generation of Icelandic footballers.
Tactics with Tuber: Defend, defend, defend. Eight of their eleven consistent starters in 2016 were over 6 feet tall. If they have any chance to advance from this nightmare of a group they’ll need to capitalize on set pieces and force teams to attack with patience for 90 minutes.

Iceland fans and team doing the now famous “Viking Clap” after a Euro 2016 match

Nigeria:

Context: The most populous country in Africa will have its work cut out for it in a difficult group, but they’ll hope to build off their strong qualifying campaign in Russia. In 2014, the Super Eagles advanced from the group stages and were eliminated by France in the Round of 16. This campaign they will be heavily leaning on a pacey, young attack to outscore their opponents as their back line is undoubtedly the biggest question mark in the side.
Player to Watch: John Obi Mikel. Mikel, a 31 year old veteran center midfielder is the maestro of the Super Eagles attack. He has the passing ability and range to play delightful through balls to the blistering pace up front. In his prime, Mikel was a rangy defensive midfielder with the tackling ability of a centerback and the passing ability of a true center midfielder. The captain will need to return back to his Chelsea form if the Super Eagles are to make a deep run in this year’s tournament.
American Athlete Comparison: Andre Iguodala. Iguodala was an all-star in Philadelphia before arriving in Golden State and being the ultimate glue-guy and member of the “Hampton 5.” At Chelsea, Mikel was N’Golo Kante before N’Golo Kante even played in the Premier League. Mike is thick as an ox and while he doesn’t have Iguodala’s shoulders (sidenote: Iggy has the most perfect shoulders I’ve ever seen and I’m insanely jealous). On Chelsea, Mikel fit the Iguodala on the Warriors comparison as he did the little things that allowed Frank Lampard, Deco, and company to win both the Premier League and the FA Cup titles. On Nigeria, however, Mikel has more of a creative role and his offensive ability is more heavily relied upon. In Philadelphia, Iguodala was the chief creator in the post-Iverson era and had largely similar responsibilities.
Young Player to Watch and X Factor: Alex Iwobi and Kelechi Iheanacho. I combined these two titles for Nigeria to fit two guys are both young and “x factors” if they are to make a run in tournament. Iwobi, a 22 year old winger/attacking midfielder is versatile and clinical. He is a regular for Arsenal and already has six goals in only 18 caps for his home country. Playing just ahead of Iwobi will most likely be 21 year old striker Kelechi Iheanacho. Iheanacho currently plays for Leicester City but broke onto the scene as Sergio Aguero’s uber-efficient sub at Manchester City. Iheanacho is lightning-quick and has an absolute laser of a left foot. If he can get service in and around the box he’ll be able to get the Super Eagles on the goalsheet.
Key Fixture: Opening match vs Croatia. The opener against Croatia will be critical if they want to progress from the group stages. A victory against Argentina will be difficult to come by so getting at least four points against Iceland and Croatia is a must (Lalas comment of the article).
American Team Comparison: Arizona Cardinals/Phoenix Suns/Diamonbacks/Coyotes don’t count #sorryhockey. I know that you’ve probably never heard or seen Nigeria and Kansas City in the same sentence in your life ever before but here me out. Nigeria is a low key big market for ignorant Americans who don’t really give a shit about the continent of Africa (which is probably at least the millions of people who voted for Trump). Similarly, did you know that Phoenix is the fifth largest city in the U.S. by population? Neither of these Arizona teams has won a major title but they have been competitive and have loyal fan bases.
Tactics with Tuber: Rather than playing him as an attacking midfielder, I would actually play Mikel as a defensive midfielder and get Iheanacho in the number 10 role behind Odion Ighalo. Ighalo is a capable striker a counter attack featuring Iheanacho, Iwobi, Ighalo, and Victor Moses is terrifying.

Overall Group Prediction:

Argentina: 7 points

Croatia: 7 points

Nigeria: 1points

Iceland: 1points

Group E

Teams: Brazil, Costa Rica, Serbia, Switzerland

Brazil:

Context: Brazil, the team with the most World Cup trophies in history, heads into the 2018 tournament with arguably the highest expectations since their title-winning team in 2002. Unlike previous Brazil squads, this team is balanced with world-class footballers all over the pitch. Veterans Thiago Silva and Miranda anchor a back line that has allowed nine goals since November 2015 (21 matches). If you’re wondering if this is a Gonzaga-esque situation where their strength of schedule is awful just know that they’ve beaten every single South American side in the World Cup in that stretch. So sorry, not even Jay Bilas can knock their recent streak. He might even welcome them into the ACC so he can drool over their beautiful play.
Player to Watch: Neymar. As deep and talented as this roster is there is still one man that opposing defenses will focus on and that Neymar, the dynamic attacker from Paris St. Germain. Unlike in previous years where Neymar has been the focal point of the attack, this year’s squad will have world-class talent around him, which should help to relieve the pressure. While he’s absolutely devastating with both feet, Neymar generally starts as a left-forward but has a relatively free role. In his first year at Paris St. Germain he had 28 goals and 16 assists in just 30 matches. The French league isn’t exactly top tier competition but his 6 goals and 3 assists in 7 Champions League matches ain’t exactly chop liver. He has just returned from injury but should be at full match fitness for their opener against Switzerland.
American Athlete Comparison: Kyrie Irving. A little over a year after hitting arguably the biggest shot in NBA history over the past 20 years, Irving grew tired of standing in the shadows of Lebron. After losing in the finals to the Golden State Warriors, he allegedly asked for a trade and was eventually shipped to Eastern Conference rival, and contender, the Boston Celtics. Neymar, after a Champions League and multiple La Liga titles, decided that he too wanted to be out of the shadows of superstar Lionel Messi and signed for a record-breaking fee with European juggernaut Paris St. Germain. Both were riddled by injury this past season but Neymar will firmly cement his status as the third best player in the world if he can lead the Selecao to a 6th World Cup title. Irving and the Celtics will also be one of the top favorites to challenge the Warriors next year for the NBA crown.
Young Player to Watch: Gabriel Jesus. The 21 year old striker plays his football for English giants Manchester City. Although he splits time with Sergio Aguero, he was still able to chip in 17 goals in 42 appearances across all competitions. Jesus is lightning quick and his creative runs in behind the defenses provide the Selecao with a much needed option behind the opposing back line. While most Brazilians are known for their on-ball footwork, Jesus’s runs and willingness to get in dangerous positions in the box will be critical if they are to make a trophy-winning run in the tournament.
X Factor: Casemiro. Casemiro is the enforcer of the otherwise ballerina-like talent on Brazil. In no way is this meant to be shade towards ballerina’s (shoutout to Anne!) as they are incredible athletes. Brazilian attackers such as Willian, Coutinho, Neymar, Douglas Costa, and others are so delicate and graceful with the ball at their feet that it sometimes seems as though they are just prancing around the field. Casemiro on the other hand, is the friend who you couldn’t sneak home late because he’d make too much noise on the stairs. He is a big, rugged defensive midfielder who, while a very capable passer, will make opposing attacking midfielders lives hell as he’s the perfect shield in front of their solid, but aging backline.
Underrated Player Who You Should Know About (new feature!!): Fred. While not your typical Brazilian name, Fred does in fact just go by Fred. He is close to signing with Manchester United and will be a rotational center midfielder. Veteran Paulinho will start for the Selecao but expect Fred to get some time as well. He is an agile, athletic player who’s passing ability, while somewhat limited, is still progressive enough to provide adequate service to the talented attacking band.
Key Fixture: Opener vs Switzerland. Set the tone.
American Team Comparison: The New York Yankees. The Yankees are undoubtedly the most famous baseball team in the world and have the most World Series titles in MLB history. As a Yankee-hater from New York, I know both how passionate Yankees fans are and how much Mets and Red Sox hate them. While Brazil doesn’t have the “evil empire” nickname, they are hated by their South American rivals for their wealth of talent. After a downspell the past 10 or so years, both the Yanks and the Selecao are itching (and primed) for another title.
Tactics with Tuber: Their manager, Tite, has done an unbelievable job since he took over in 2016. He rotates his captain for every match and has a defined system that has been nearly perfect. He will most likely start Casemiro at the “6” and will allow Paulinho and Coutinho to be “free 8’s,” basically creative box-to-box midfielders with a license to roam. That leaves his adventurous wingbacks with his dynamic attackers tons of space to exhibit their creativity.

Costa Rica:

Context: Los Ticos are coming off the best finish in their nation’s history in the 2014 World Cup. Drawn into a “group of death” featuring European powerhouses Italy, England and South American giant Uruguay, nobody thought that they would advance, let alone win their group! After a 3–1 win in their opener against Uruguay, they rode that confidence and a lock down defense all the way to the quarterfinals where they lost on penalties to the Netherlands.
Player to Watch: Keylor Navas. Navas is one of the top goalkeepers in the world and is the starting keeper for Real Madrid. He has made significant improvements in his technical skill and is one of the most acrobatic shot-stoppers in the world. His heroics for Real Madrid in the Champions League and for Costa Rica in 2014 have been well-documented but Los Ticos will be heavily reliant on his insane reflexes and experience if they are to make another improbable run in Russia.
American Athlete Comparison: Rudy Gobert. Rudy Gobert is one of the most dominant defensive players in the NBA and anchors the consistently over-achieving defense for the Utah Jazz. Like Navas for Costa Rica, Gobert is the safety net for the rest of the squad as they know it will take something special to get it past their last defender. The Jazz play in a relatively “small market” but have an extremely passionate fanbase and routinely are a team whose sum is greater than its individual pieces. Los Ticos are also often overshadowed by larger rivals such as Mexico and the United States, but have performed incredibly well throughout CONCACAF qualification in recent years.
Young Player to Watch: Joel Campbell…I guess? Los Ticos only have one player under 25 and he is a defender in the MLS #MLSshade. Campbell is a 25 year old attacker who, after a brief stint with Arsenal, now plays for La Liga side Real Betis. Campbell is a pacey forward with the dynamism to play as a winger and the size and speed to play as a central striker up front. With 75 caps and 15 goals already to his name, Los Ticos will need him to provide the spark up front.
X Factor: Bryan Ruiz. The captain has been a mainstay for Los Ticos since 2006. The 32 year old has played professionally throughout Europe and can play anywhere in the midfield. His set piece quality and leadership were vital in their historic run in 2014 and they’ll need every last ounce of energy in his well-traveled legs to progress out of the group stage.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Celso Borges. Borges plays center midfield for Los Ticos and with 111 caps and 21 goals, he is an experienced but vastly underrated fixture in their starting eleven. He plays for Deportivo La Coruna in Spain and has been one of the unsung heroes in their strong play in recent years.
Key Fixture: Opener vs Serbia. In 2014, their storied run was sparked by an opening upset of Uruguay. If they are to make it to the knockout phase then they’ll need at least a point, but ideally three, against the Serbs in the opener.
American Team Comparison: See Utah Jazz above
Tactics with Tuber: Go for the win in the opener! If they can get a win in that opening match then they’ll have the confidence to go on and challenge Switzerland and Brazil for a right to play in the next phase.

Serbia:

Context: Mladen Krstajić, their manager, has literally never managed a professional or international match that counts. Slavoljub Muslin, their manager who guided them to the top of their qualifying group, was fired after qualifying for not seeing eye-to-eye with the Serbian Football Association. The main reasons, according to most sources, is due to his failure to include young talent in qualifying. Most notably was the exclusion of star-to-be Sergej Milinkovic-Savic. After not qualifying for any major tournament since 2010, Muslin was the first manager to get the Balkan side to a tournament but will not be manning the reins in Russia. As seems to be the case with the majority of the Balkan countries, there is chaos and sketchy politics that govern the sides but this roster is filled to the brim with talent and could make a splash in the tournament. Author’s side note: I absolutely love this squad. They are insanely talented and while Serbia is hard to root for due to their history of racism and anti-semitism, this team will be fun to watch.
Player to Watch: Nemanja Matic. Matic will play at the base of a world-class midfield that could rival any central midfield trio in the world. I’m serious. Matic is a rangy defensive midfielder who covers a ton of ground. He regained his form as an elite midfield destroyer this past season back at Manchester United and will be the perfect partner to midfield starlet, Sergej Milinkovic-Savic (more to come on him). The third midfielder, Luka Milivojevic, quietly scored 10 goals in 37 appearances while starting at central midfield for Crystal Palace this season. While he is not as strong defensively as Matic or creatively like Milinkovic-Savic, he could be the perfect compliment to the aforementioned duo.
American Athlete Comparison: Bobby Wagner, Seattle Seahawks. The Seattle Seahawks have been one of the best defenses in the NFL for the past 6–8 years. Their defense has featured big names like Richard Sherman, Michael Bennett, and Earl Thomas but the one person on their who is not as flashy but is the critical cog in their success is Bobby Wagner. The middle linebacker is always in on the play and helps their defense click. Matic has been that piece for Chelsea and Manchester United the past few seasons. While he has been overshadowed by more famous defenders and midfielders from more well known countries, Matic has been at the crux of both teams elite defensive records. He, like Wagner, has a nose for the ball and always there to break up an oppositions counter attack.
Young Player to Watch: Sergej Milinkovic-Savic. First off, shoutout to my homie Tim Baker who put me onto this midfield dynamo. As I did a few groups earlier with Hakim Ziyech of Morocco, I GUARANTEE that this tall, cheeky center midfielder will be bought for at least 60 million euros after the world cup. Unfortunately he will probably be playing for Manchester United next season but regardless, this guy is fun to watch. He has a youthful swagger and confidence that is unseen in the premier league. He routinely flicks the ball over and around defenders as if he’s playing with my middle school students. You can see why the Serbian FA fired Muslin, as he allegedly refused to play this budding star.
X Factor: Mladen Krstajić. As previously mentioned, Krstajić has never managed a meaningful match in his life so yeah, I’d say he’s an X factor. Imagine someone was put in a role with tremendous responsibility without ever having done anything of that nature before #moreTrumpshade. The big question is whether or not he’ll over-manage the squad. The starting eleven should pick itself but that is always dangerous. If he can instill confidence and poise to this side then they could make a sneaky deep run in the tournament.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Dusan Tadic. Tadic is a creative midfielder who plays for Southampton in the Premier League. He’s a progressive passer and has the technical ability and vision to pick out a final ball in the opposing third. With a stable central midfield behind him, he should have the freedom to roam and his incisiveness in the final third will be critical if they are to progress.
Key Fixture: Opener vs Costa Rica. If they can set the tone with a victory over Costa Rica and Brazil beats Switzerland then they can go into their Switzerland match with confidence that 3 points will get them through.
American Team Comparison: Louisville Cardinals. How I came to this comparison was that I needed a team that fit the following categories: bizarre coaching scandal with an impressively talented team and diehard (and racist) fans. Ding ding, Louisville is correct! For those that don’t know, Louisville basketball is huge in that region (and in general) and were coached by Rick Pitino; a famous coach that had revived that program and led them to a national championship. This all came undone amidst a recruiting scandal sprinkled with a side note of strippers on campus. While Louisville is certainly not the only program to do either of these things, they got caught and Pitino was fired. Louisville’s fans are rabid and basketball in Louisville is basically religion. Let’s not also forget that Kentucky arguably has the darkest history of ignoring slave laws and was incredibly vocal in their opposition against the Emancipation Proclamation for numerous years after its creation. Now times have changed….kind of, but there are certainly some, not all, Louisville fans out there with warped views.
Tactics with Tuber: Don’t mess around and try anything outlandish. Just get your stars out there and let the midfield dominate.

Switzerland:

Context: The Swiss have been an upstart in international football since their surprise Round of 16 run in the 2006 World Cup. Boasting a diverse squad with many players having roots from all over the globe, the Swiss are a quietly productive side. They’ve reached the Round of 16 in three of the past four international tournaments they’ve played in and much of their core has remained the same throughout this run. This experienced squad will be favored to advance, yet again, to the knockout phase but they’ll need to score enough goals to balance out their sturdy, reliable defense.
Player to Watch: Granit Xhaka. Xhaka is Switzerland’s Nemanja Matic. He, like Matic, plays for a huge English club (Arsenal), where he takes up the important role of defensive midfield. Besides from his crunching, and sometimes rash, challenges, Xhaka is a slightly more progressive passer than your average defensive midfielder and is capable of an absolute screamer on the right day. His height and athleticism are helpful on set pieces and his left foot can challenge the keeper from anywhere within 35 yards.
American Comparison: Ndamukong Suh. In addition to his defensive prowess, Xhaka also has a knack for red cards. Between 2015–2017 he amassed 9 red cards across all competitions and is known for partaking in some dirty, high challenges. Suh, an all-pro caliber defensive lineman also has a knack for getting into the headlines for the wrong reasons. Some notable hits from Suh’s tenure include the multiple times he has absolutely destroyed Jay Cutler (taking one for the team there because f*** Jay Cutler), stomping on multiple Packers players, and body slamming Jake Delhomme because as Chris Berman says, “daylight come and ya gotta Delhomme.” Both players are indisputably talented and are key cogs to their respective defenses but both have spent too much time on the sideline due to suspension. Author’s sidenote: For the record, Suh seems like a smart, well-spoken guy who, while definitely dirty, is also targeted by the refs. Xhaka plays for Arsenal, and is thus, scum.
Young Player to Watch: Denis Zakaria. While fellow 21 year old Breel Embolo burst onto the Swiss international scene with more buzz, Zakaria has quietly become a mainstay in the starting lineup. The central midfielder will partner with Xhaka to form a formidable and athletic pairing that can cover the every last blade of grass on the pitch. While he still needs to improve his progressive passing, his tackling and athleticism will be crucial if the Swiss are going to maintain their strong defensive form. If Zakaria can contribute going forward then the Swiss will be in business as they regularly struggle to put the ball in the back of the net.
X Factor: Ricardo Rodriguez. Rodriguez is arguably the best player on this team. He is a left back who plays his club football for AC Milan and it was he who buried the decisive penalty that sent them through the UEFA playoffs and into the tournament. Known for his steady defensive play, ability to whip in a deadly cross, and his beautiful man-bun (he’s had it way before anyone in Brooklyn did), Rodriguez is one of the best players at his position on the planet. The Swiss defend compactly and responsibly and he’s a large reason for that, but he’s their X factor because they’ll need his attacking skills if they want to get out of the group. The Swiss have seemingly mastered the 1–0 victory lately and his regular contributions going forward and delivery on set pieces will be vital.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Fabian Schar. As previously mentioned, the Swiss are one of the better defenses in the world and only conceded 5 goals in their last 11 qualifying matches. While Rodriguez and Stephen Liechsteiner (their right back) get the hype, it is Schar who effectively marshals and organizes their back line.
Key Fixture: vs Serbia. They have the daunting task of opening their tournament against Brazil. In 2010, they opened against Spain and defeated the eventual champions so anything is possible…but I wouldn’t count on it. Assuming they lose that match then the Serbia game will be immensely important.
American Team Comparison: NC State. Like Switzerland, NC State is always overshadowed by their geographic neighbors and league rivals: UNC Chapel Hill and Duke. The two basketball powerhouses are more popular and the Switzerland generally serves the role as their third wheel. Switzerland, though they have been ranked in the top 10 in the world football rankings for the majority of the decade, are, and always will be, overshadowed by their local rivals Germany and France. The two others are larger and more accomplished in their primary sport, football, as UNC and Duke are in basketball. That being said, NC State always shows up in the tournament as a seven or eight seed and they’re always the talented team from the dominant conference that….underachieve. Switzerland has probably achieved as expected and they even don the same jersey colors as the Wolfpack, but this year I predict that they underachieve and don’t make it out of the group.
Tactics with Tuber: Start Breel Embolo on the wing. While he has been in and out of the starting lineup throughout qualifying, the young, dynamic winger provides them with much-needed pace and can serve as a necessary outlet when they are defending deep in their half for a majority of the match.

Group F

Teams: Germany, Mexico, South Korea, Sweden

Germany:

Context: The defending World Cup champions are somehow flying below the radar. Even though they haven’t lost a competitive match since Euro 2016, the Germans have quietly managed to slide into the tournament with less hype than the likes of Brazil, Spain, and France. They have arguably the deepest talent pool in the world, which meant that World Cup winning goal scorer Mario Gotze didn’t even make the final roster. Other notables like Andre Schurrle and young sensation Leroy Sane were also omitted from the roster. My theory for why they have flown somewhat under the radar is that they don’t have the flashy, top-end talent that the other favorites have. What the other top contenders don’t have, however, is a world cup winning manager whose system has been in place for over ten years (seemingly unheard of in the international managerial world). Expect the Germans to breeze through their group, as usual, and to make a deep run in the tournament.
Player to Watch: Toni Kroos. Kroos is a deep-lying central midfielder who combines diligent defending with world class passing. Kroos plays for Real Madrid during the year and his partnership with Luka Modric is probably the most well-rounded central midfield pairing in the world. Kroos can play any pass on the field but it’s his calm technical ability under pressure that allows his team to effortlessly transition from defense to offense in the blink of an eye.
American Comparison: See team comparison below
Young Player to Watch: Timo Werner. Werner, a 22 year old striker who plays for RB Leipzig, will be the lead man for the Germans this tournament. While veteran striker Mario Gomez will undoubtedly get significant playing time, all eyes are on Werner to see if he can provide them with enough quality in front of goal to make a deep run. Germany hasn’t had a world-class striker since Miroslav Klose was in his prime, and even then Klose fit their system perfectly but didn’t dominate on the club stage as he did for his home country. Werner will get good service from the likes of Kroos, Muller, and creative midfielders Mesut Ozil and Marco Reus. If Werner doesn’t play well in the group stages, look for Muller to get moved to a traditional “9” role with more advanced attacking midfielders roaming freely behind him.
X Factor: Mesut Ozil and Marco Reus. Both of these talented attackers had mediocre seasons (for their standards) but will need to get back to their world-class capabilities if Germany are to hoist the trophy once again. As previously mentioned, my only question of this roster is does it have the top-notch talent compared to their rivals. While the system and experience will carry them to the quarterfinals, will their star players play up to their abilities to beat the other teams at their talent level. Ozil, one of the most creative and technically gifted passers in the world, has a young, inexperienced striker in Werner ahead of him and he’ll need to put him in easy goal-scoring positions. Reus, one of the quickest and most electrifying wingers in the world, will need to use his pace and dynamism to open up space and cause havoc for opposing defenses.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Joshua Kimmich. At 23, Kimmich has already established him as one of the best and most versatile defenders in the world. He can play anywhere along the back line and can even hold his own in the midfield when needed, making him the perfect piece on a World Cup roster. Kimmich will start at right fullback and will use his well-rounded ability to defend responsibly while simultaneously offering width and quality in the final third. Kimmich scored six goals this year and don’t be surprised if he scores an important goal this tournament.
Key Fixture: No game in this group stage will be tough for the Germans, but getting through injury-free and with confidence would be helpful. It’s basically like the Patriots before they get to the Super Bowl….
American Team Comparison: New England Patriots. Where to begin. The Germans, like the Patriots, are robots who only know how to win. They prefer guys who fit their system rather than flashy players who might cause turbulence (see Sane) and have the longest tenured manager at the tournament. The defending champs have arguably the best goalie in the world (when healthy) in Manuel Neuer and have numerous players who fit perfectly into their system. Ruthless poacher Thomas Muller up top, who is Gronk-esque in the red zone. While he’s not the biggest striker, his athleticism and positional awareness make him one of the favorites to win the golden boot at this year’s tournament. Similarly, both teams have a “do your job” type attitude where the collective culture is far more important that individual accomplishment. The Patriots, like the Germans, are the most accomplished team in their sport this century and both teams will be disappointed with anything other than a championship.
Tactics with Tuber: Pretty straight forward. They’ll play Kroos and Khedira in the double-pivot and will allow Ozil the free role in the attacking third. Reus will provide width and pace while Muller and Werner will score oodles of goals.

Mexico:

Chicharito probably moments after missing a golden opportunity

Context: El Tri have never won a knockout phase game outside of Mexico in their history. With a favorable group and an incredibly balanced side, however, outlandish manager Juan Carlos Osorio has the talent and the experience to lead his side to the quarterfinals. The CONCACAF giants have talented players playing at top teams throughout Europe and will look to win their group so they can avoid having to most likely play Brazil in the Round of 16.
Player to Watch: Hector Herrera. While his fellow midfielder and team captain Andres Guardado is generally cited as the team’s most important player, Herrera is an outstanding box-to-box midfielder who does it all. Though he’s not world-class in any particular area, his overall defensive solidity coupled with his ability as a progressive passer makes him the key cog for this side. The one-time FC Porto player of the year has been a fixture in their side through numerous Champions League runs and scored the go-ahead goal in their title-clinching victory over archrival Benfica.
American Comparison: Kyle Lowry. Mexico, like the Toronto Raptors, is the biggest rival for the United States in international football. Like Toronto, they have an outstanding homecourt/field advantage and play significantly better at home than they do on the road. Like Canada in general, Mexico border the U.S. and is readily featured in the news as one of the many countries that our previously strong relationship with his now floundering. Sorry, I’ll stick to sports here. Herrera, like Lowry, is often overshadowed by a flashier teammate (Chicharito, Guardado, Ochoa) but is the true soul of the team. It is his effort, tenacity, and experience that enable them to play the high quality football that they are capable of. Unfortunately, both Toronto and Mexico have struggled when it counts and have had their season/World Cups end in disappointing fashion in each of their recent campaigns. Osorio, who was once one of the most popular men in Mexico, is suddenly on the hot seat and was recently booed off the field in their last home tune-up. Raptors coach Dwayne Casey, though he’s a finalist for coach of the year, was recently let go as their coach and will surely take the blame for a flawed roster.
Young Player to Watch: Hirving Lozano. Chucky, as he’s known, scored as many goals (22) as year’s he’s lived. This is generally a flawless way to measure a striker’s effectiveness and overall ability. He’s poised for a move to a bigger club and if he’s able to build off this breakthrough season then he’ll definitely be playing his football in a better league next year. His emergence means that El Tri veterans such as Chicharito and Carlos Vela might have more limited roles in Russia. Having substitutes of this quality is not a bad problem to have but it will be interesting to see how Osorio manages the side.
X Factor: Lozano is clearly the biggest x factor on the roster but I think the often-scrutinized Osorio is an X factor. This is arguably the deepest team that Mexico has had in several tournaments, but the lack of true world-class talent makes it difficult to find the right blend. With the emergence of Lozano, Osorio will be tasked with either sitting talented players such as Jesus Corona and Raul Jimenez or facing the tough task of benching iconic players like Chicharito and Carlos Vela. Osorio is sure to face backlash regardless, but a strong opening performance against Germany would do wonders to silence his critics.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Carlos Salcedo. The 24 year old defender plays his club football for Eintracht Frankfurt in the Bundesliga and his versatility and quality will be crucial in Mexico’s run in the tournament. Salcedo can play anywhere across the backline and should be a mainstay in Mexico’s defense for years to come.
Key Fixture: Second match vs South Korea. Whatever happens in the Germany match will have its consequences. An upstart performance where they lose admirably or draw will give fans confidence but will put tremendous pressure on their ability to respond in their next match against South Korea. A miraculous win against the Germans will give them the rare opportunity to clinch a spot in the knockout phase with a win against South Korea. A disheartening loss against the Germans and the pressure will be on, so any way you look at it there’s a lot of pressure on this match.
American Team Comparison: See Raptors rant above.
Tactics with Tuber: Don’t start Chicharito. The dude is not that good. Lozano is faster, more creative and he needs these reps for his development. Chicharito is washed up and will provide more benefit as a Giroud-esque substitute than he will playing 65 mediocre minutes.

South Korea:

Context: Having qualified for nine straight tournaments, South Korea surprisingly has the fifth longest such streak in the world. Although they’ve managed to escape group play just once in those nine tournaments, it is still quite the feat. A weird subplot is that all Koreans have a mandatory two year military service requirement before they turn 35. The only way this service is avoided is if individuals get an exemption from the government and the last time that happened was when the team made a semifinal run in the 2002 World Cup. If they are unable to make a run in the tournament, it seems that the majority of this roster will have to forego two years of their professional soccer careers to serve in their military.
Player to Watch: Son Hueng-min. Son, a versatile attacker who plays his club football for my beloved Tottenham Hotspur is a genuine star player on this otherwise talent-barren roster. He’ll probably line up as a true striker for the Red Devils but has played better in the past two seasons as a wide forward. He’s pacey, creative, and has the ability to finish well with either foot. They will most likely sit back and defend and hope to spring Son on the counterattack where he can cause problems for any defense in this group.
American Comparison: CJ McCollum. McCollum is a borderline all-star guard for the Portland Trailblazers. McCollum, like Son, is a gifted scorer who can score from anywhere but plays second-fiddle on his team that has a more acclaimed striker (Harry Kane). Son played his club football in Germany before his big move to Tottenham and represents the small, mid-major-esque South Korea in the tournament. McCollum played his college ball at Lehigh, but soared his way up NBA draft boards because of his scoring prowess at the mid-major level.
Young Player to Watch: Lee Seung-woo. The 20 year old attacker dons the number 10 shirt for the Red Devils and has the technical ability to play in tight spaces in the final third. After a stint in the Barcelona academy, the youngster transferred to Hellas Verona in Serie A where he finally began to see playing time towards the end of the season. He’s consistently featured in the Red Devils World Cup tune-up matches and should get playing time during their group stage matches.
X Factor: Ki sung-yeung. Ki is the other legitimately talented player on this roster. A disciplined, smart central midfielder, Ki plays for Swansea City in the Premier League where he is a regular at defensive midfield. If South Korea has any chance of progressing from the group stage, they’ll need Ki to do yeoman’s work in the middle of the pitch.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: I don’t even know many of the dudes on this team…
Key Fixture: Opener vs Sweden. Sweden, though they’re getting some buzz as a hipster pick to advance from this group, is still a mid-level side that Korea could get a result against. If they have any chance to progress from the group then they’ll need three points here.
American Team Comparison: Penn/Princeton. Penn and Princeton are far and away the two winningest basketball programs in the Ivy League (shoutout to colleague/friend and huge Princeton bball fan Scott Corkran). Like these two programs, South Korea faces a obstacle in their ability to compete at the highest level. While South Korea has to deal with its players serving their mandatory military requirements, Penn/Princeton face the daunting task of recruiting good college basketball players who are actually required to go to class! While the requirements are slightly different, both teams are at a distinct disadvantage compared to other countries around the world. In addition, both teams play in a weak conference. South Korea had quite possibly the easiest road to qualifying that I’ve ever seen and Penn and Princeton generally have to beat each other and sometimes a combination of Harvard, Cornell, and Yale. Like their Ivy League counterparts, I don’t see South Korea making it out of the group stage (aka first round).
Tactics with Tuber: Ummmmm, defend as best as you can! South Korea are generally one of the fittest teams in the tournament so they should just hope that it’s miraculously really hot and that they can simply run longer than everyone else. Oh, and win some free kicks so Sonny can score a blinder and do a cheeky little celebration.

Sweden:

Context: After disappointingly failing to qualify for the past two tournaments, the Swedes are back and playing more cohesive football than ever. Their qualifying group, featuring France, Holland, and Bulgaria, was undoubtedly one of the most challenging in Europe and they managed to finish in second. After upsetting Italy in the playoff, they’ll head to the World Cup with confidence and belief that they can advance beyond the group stage for the first time since 2006. This is the ultimate Bill Simmons Ewing candidate as the team is noticeably better since international man of mystery/world class striker, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, retired from international football.
Player to Watch: Emil Forsberg. Forsberg, a 26 year old creative midfielder takes up a wide position in Sweden’s rather rudimentary 4–4–2 set up. He doesn’t have blistering pace, however, so he spends most of his time pushing into the middle and finding spaces in between the lines. After a relatively disappointing and injury-ridden season, Forsberg will hope to pick-up where he left off after his 2016/17 campaign where had had the most assists, 19, in league play across any of the five major leagues. He’s by far and away the most dynamic and unpredictable player on this squad and has the most technical ability to produce a match-winning moment that could be all they need to progress from the group stages.
American Comparison: Allan Houston. Houston is a Knicks legend whose smooth shooting stroke helped carry the team when their beloved Patrick Ewing went down in the 1999 Eastern Conference Finals. This series finalized Bill Simmons now famous theory called The Ewing Theory. Ewing Theory is a theory whereupon a team plays better without their star player. In the 1999 Eastern Conference finals, the eighth seeded Knicks lost their star player and were seemingly doomed against a Reggie Miller-led Indiana Pacers squad. When Ewing went down in game 3, Houston put the team on his back, averaging 19 points a game. Forsberg needs to be Sweden’s Allan Houston this tournament and they’ll ride his attacking quality until they meet a side with too much talent.
Young Player to Watch: Victor Lindelof. Lindelof, a 23 year old centerback was purchased for some exorbitant amount of money by Manchester United only to appear in half their matches. That aside, he is a talented, ball-playing centerback who has the pace and technical ability to play at the highest level. The former Benfica star has played against top strikers for several years and will be instrumental in keeping the quality strikers in this group at bay.
X Factor: Ola Toivonen and Marcus Berg. These two tall, rather slow strikers are remarkably similar in their style but will nevertheless play up top together for the Swedes. Sweden’s defense was amongst the best in European qualifying but they’ll need at least one of these two strikers to find their form if they are to do some damage in the tournament. They’ll get quality service from Forsberg on set pieces and will need to be able to convert some of their chances if they want to advance.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Albin Ekdal. Ekdal plays central midfield for Hamburg in the Bundesliga, where he has become a regular contributor. He’s an athletic center midfielder who covers lots of ground and isn’t afraid of a strong challenge.
Key Fixture: Opener vs South Korea. They’ll need three points here to advance beyond the group and would do themselves a huge favor by putting immense pressure on Mexico with an opening win.
American Team Comparison: Los Angeles Clippers. As an east coast person, the allure of the west coast, in particular Los Angeles, is simultaneously annoying yet real. When I hear friends talk about Los Angeles and California as a whole, they all glow about the pace, priorities, access to nature, amazing food, beautiful people, and chronically perfect weather and ya know what I have to say in response? You’re right but fuck you anyway. Sweden, and Scandinavia as a whole, has somewhat of a similar mystique. Tangent: As an educator you frequently hear about how flawless the education system is in Scandinavia and I always get pissed off. While there are systems in place in Scandinavia that enable the education system to be more successful (ie. higher wages for educators), it also is annoying because if 98% of students in every school in America were ethnically similar and came from smart, progressive parents then yeah, our test scores would be higher too. That aside, the Clippers, like Sweden, traded their best player mid season and instantly became a better, more cohesive team. Everyone is somewhat jealous of the beautiful, smart people in Sweden, just as they are in Los Angeles but, like the Clippers, nobody actually really wants to go there. Copenhagen is much cooler (basing this purely on my naive opinion) than Stockholm and the Fjords in Norway are supposedly better than those in Sweden, thus making Sweden the less attractive “free agent” destination….just like the Clips
Tactics with Tuber: Keep the train rolling. Sweden have played well since Euro 2016 and they’ve played largely the same starting lineup in every match. This familiarity and comfort has surely helped, but will it be enough to squeak by Mexico and into the knockout phase? We shall see.

Predictions:

Germany → 9 pts
Mexico → 5 pts
Sweden → 4 pts
South Korea → 0 pts

Group G

Teams: Belgium, England, Panama, Tunisia

Belgium:

Context: The Red Devils are arguably the most talented team in the tournament. They’re one of the only teams to have a top five talent at four or five positions. Captain Eden Hazard is a lightning-quick attacker who will play out wide. Leave him one on one with a defender and just start praying for their ankles. When healthy, centerback duo Jan Vertonghen and Toby Alderweireld were the premier league’s best pair. Up top is Romelo Lukaku, who has a rare combination of size, strength, pace, and a blistering left foot. Oh yeah, and don’t forget Kevin De Bruyne. The midfielder, and Belgian comic book hero Spirou doppelganger, lit the Premier League on fire with his nonstop running, goal scoring, and jaw-dropping assists. Belgium, however, has its doubters and much of that doubt falls on manager Roberto Martinez’s shoulders. His tactics have been questioned, mainly for trying to use a formation that includes all of his best players. This criticism feels distinctly un-American, “well duh, we’re going to play everyone at the same time” or “I won’t come off the bench, even if it makes our team better (sup Melo)” but it’s true. By setting up in a 3–4–3 with two wing backs, Martinez has incorporated a lineup that plays all of their attackers at once. The problem, however, is that Belgium doesn’t really have any good wing backs…. Winger-turned-wing back Yannick Ferreira Carrasco adds quality in the attacking third but will leave Jan Vertonghen isolated at centerback. Fullback-turned-wing back Thomas Meunier is a fullback who is solid defensively but lacks the pace and attacking quality going forward. In conclusion, the world is skeptical but the talent is there, we shall have to wait and see.
Player to Watch: Kevin De Bruyne. De Bruyne is quite simply a magician. His reads the game incredibly well and uses his elite stamina to influence the match for the entire 90 minutes. At Manchester City, his club team, manager Pep Guardiola unlocked a new De Bruyne the past two seasons by playing him in a rare role: a “free 8.” A recent interview with De Bruyne illuminated the role that Pep had him deployed in, a role where De Bruyne had the freedom of a number 10 (the number 10 is thought of as the most creative attacking midfielder who generally can do whatever the fuck he wants), but in a more centrally located position and with more defensive responsibility. This role gave De Bruyne the freedom to track back and help defensively, where he could then win the ball and start the attack from a deeper position. Martinez is going to deputize De Bruyne in a similar role this tournament but with one major difference: Pep partnered De Bruyne with Fernandinho, one of the most disciplined and athletic defensive midfielders who can responsibly cover KDB when he freely roamed the pitch like a herd of Buffalo. Martinez does not have a Fernandinho. Instead he’ll probably start Axel Witsel, who is capable and talented but cannot cover the ground that KDB’s Manchester City teammate can.
American Comparison: Jason Kidd. Kidd, like KDB, was incredibly versatile. In college, he was a scoring machine and used his athleticism to light the Pac-12 on fire. In the pros, however, he adapted and became somewhat of a free-role point guard. While he did all the traditional things a point guard did (bring the ball up, call the offense, etc), he also redefined the role by his rebounding, ability to defend multiple positions, and his lack of shooting (he later became a great shooter). De Bruyne has similarly changed the role of the center midfielder. He is one of the rare players in the world who has the passing ability and creativity of an attacking midfielder, while simultaneously being a deep-lying playmaker capable of making a crucial tackle in the box.
Young Player to Watch: Youri Tielemans. Tielemans probably won’t play a minute this tournament, that’s how good Belgium’s roster is but that shouldn’t stop you from YouTubeing this young lad’s highlights. He currently plays for Monaco after tearing through the Belgian league for Anderlecht. He’s a shifty, creative midfielder who is capable of breaking down the defense but also capable of smashing a goal from forty yards.
X Factor: Vincent Kompany. Kompany has been the locker room leader for the Belgian team for years. At a deeper level, the country of Belgium is divided into two main groups who each speak French and Dutch. Kompany is apparently fluent in both and has been an invaluable bridge in bringing the team together. His intangibles are unquestionable, but his pace is. He’ll probably be slotted into the right back in their back three alongside Alderweireld but his pace and quickness will undoubtedly be targeted by high quality sides. If he can miraculously regain his form from a few years ago then they’ll be in great shape. If they have to call on Dedryck Boyata or Leander Dendoncker (what a name!!!) then they’ll be in trouble.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Dries Mertens. While my Spurs loving side says that everyone should watch Mousa Dembele dance around defenders and attack Sergio Ramos like every other player in Europe would want to, I have to pick Dries Mertens. For the record, Mousa Dembele is a Catan-loving gem of a human and is the most unique player in world football. Mertens will play in the attacking three alongside Hazard and has been in great form for the national team. He plays his club football for Napoli, one of the most entertaining teams in the world, and his creativity and finishing ability will be vital for their success. He can take some of the goal scoring pressure off Hazard and Lukaku, while also adding versatile depth to the front line.
Key Fixture: Third match vs England. The winner of this group will face the second place finisher in Group H, who will be much weaker than the first place finisher (most likely Colombia) so this match will have importance in the scheduling for the knockout phase.
American Team Comparison: Dallas Cowboys. Now Belgium is not “the world’s team,” like the Cowboys are to America but there are some similarities. Starting about five years ago, when the world realized how talented Belgium was, they almost immediately became a hipster favorite. FIFA players all around the world and other football fans realized the plethora of attacking options coupled with defensive stability; thus becoming the hipster international team. The Cowboys had quietly created a dominant offense, mainly through the draft and internal development and the question became, if not now, when? With star players like Zeke Elliot, Dez Bryant, and the best offensive line in football, it became clear that the Cowboys were a legitimate threat to the upper tier of the NFL. Their kryptonite, however, was their coach. The clapper aka Jason Garrett was heavily scrutinized and many felt that he wasn’t the right man for the job. Sure enough the Cowboys underachieved and, while still relevant, have seen their bitter rivals win the Super Bowl right in front of their eyes. Sound familiar?
Tactics with Tuber: I talked enough tactics in this one already.

England:

Context: Oh England. I’d encourage people to read Nick Hornby’s piece on being an England fan if you want better insight. The psyche of this fanbase is quite interesting/depressing/hilarious/fucked up. England famously won their only World Cup on home soil in 1966. Since then, their history has been simultaneously filled with disappointment and a somewhat silly arrogance that they deserve to win another title. Their “golden generation” featuring the world class talents of David Beckham, Rio Ferdinand, Steven Gerrard, and more failed to win at the highest level and they haven’t advanced beyond the Round of 16 at a World Cup since 1990. With the depth of talent in their country, their record is rather shocking and disappointing. That being said, the mindset of the English fan has become one of disinterest and apathy. England fans are well-known to prioritize their club team over their country and reports have already been released about low ticket sales in Russia. That aside, this team is rather different. They have a young, ego-less core and the last of the old guard has been dropped from the side (bye, bye Rooney). Their captain is 24 year old striker Harry Kane who looks (and talks) as British as possible. They have young, pacy, creative talent, and a seemingly fantastic locker room. The main question lies in defense where they lack a dominant center back and have young keepers in between the pipes.
Player to Watch: Harry Kane. Yes, the Tottenham bias continues, but Kane is a world-class striker and is one of the best finishers on the planet. He can finish in any way and is also probably the best passer on the England squad. His link and hold up play is elite and his partnership with Dele Alli, their swaggy attacking midfielder, cannot be overlooked. The two of them seem to always know where the other is on the pitch and have chemistry that is rarely found at the international level. Since the 2014–15 season when he came on the scene as a regular for Tottenham, Kane has scored 135 goals in 187 appearances. That’s insane. He chipped in 41 goals in 48 appearances this season including a dry spell at the end of the season where an ankle injury gave critics reason to question his fitness and talent. Classic England.
American Comparison: James Harden. Like Kane, Harden’s scoring and playmaking can no longer be denied. For several years critics and fans labeled Kane a one-season wonder but that can no longer be argued (by any rational human, which the world has seemingly few of these days) but the winning pedigree is starting to come into question. Tottenham have yet to win a trophy with Kane and have some heartbreaking losses in big competitions along the way (see Juventus and Manchester United this year). Harden, similarly has put up insane numbers but has yet to make an NBA finals. Some of this is the system and his style, but some of the blame, even if unfairly, will naturally fall on his shoulders.
Young Player to Watch: Marcus Rashford. The England squad is incredibly young. Their most capped player is mediocre fullback Gary Cahill, with a measly 60, and who is also one of the slowest players in the tournament (yet he’ll probably start). Rashford, is low-key 20 years old. Sidenote: I say low-key not to sound like one of my students who will say stuff like, “yo this is low-key interesting, Mr. Tuber! Yeah, you right!” but because Rashford has already been in the mainstream media’s mind as a starlet on Manchester United that it’s easy to forget that he’s only 20. The speedster can play anywhere along the attacking line and has the pace and 1 on 1 ability to either add balance alongside Raheem Sterling or as a game-changing substitute.
X Factor: John Stones. Stones will most likely play centerback in their back three and will be the last defender when they inevitably get exposed. Stones is good with his feet and is often praised as an uncharacteristically English defender because of his confidence and ability with the ball. That being said, sometimes he gets a little carried away and can make costly mistakes in the defensive third. England simply can’t afford these mistakes. In addition, he’s sometimes praised more for his ability to play as an offensive defender rather than actually as a defender. He will need to be outstanding tin his tournament if England wants to get past the quarterfinals.
England 101: Rather than compare them to a team, which is too difficult, and talk about underrated players (all are well known), I’ll give you some quick points on a few of their other starters.
Raheem Sterling: Sterling has been one of the most dynamic attackers in the Premier League the past two seasons. It’s easier to do that when teams focus on Kevin De Bruyne, David Silva, Sergio Aguero and others. Can he deliver as one of the focal points of a squad?
Dele Alli: Possibly the most un-English player in recent memory. Dele clearly played lots of FIFA street growing up because he does whatever he wants, wherever he wants. Simply put, he’s cheeky as fuck. His first game for Tottenham was a friendly against Real Madrid where he nutmegged Luka Modric twice. Also this goal. Top three things about this goal (excluding the goal): 1. The call is amazing. Out of League 1 and into the record books! 2. Danny Rose’s reaction. He’s number 3, just watch at about 58 seconds 3. I literally fell out of my chair and still get goosebumps. COYS!
Eric Dier: Dele Alli’s bffer and defensive midfielder. He’s pretty solid.
Kyle Walker: By far England’s best defender is playing out of position as a right centerback. He’s one of the fastest players in the world but will be relied on more heavily for his defensive prowess and positioning to hold down a young, inexperienced defense.
Jordan Henderson: Liverpool captain will play some centermid for England. He’s tremendously fit and will put in a shift, that’s about it.
Jordan Pickford: Pickford plays his club football for Everton and is a short, but extremely athletic shot stopper. Hopefully he won’t take after Robert Green.
Harry McGuire: The young central defender will probably start in defense for England and his aerial presence will be instrumental on set pieces. If he can limit his mistakes and not try to do too much with the ball at his feet then he’ll be solid.
Tactics with Tuber: Where to begin. Manager Gareth Southgate has determined that he’s playing some kind of 3–4–3/3–5–2 hybrid. I’d start Danny Rose on the left over Ashley Young, though I’d probably start him over Kieran Tripper on the right. The key, however, will be starting Dele at center midfield with his best mate Eric Dier. This will allow them to play Sterling, Kane, and Lingard or Rashford up top, offering them pace, explosiveness, and creativity that they haven’t had in their starting eleven in years.

Panama:

Context: Panama (in)famously qualified for its first(!!!) World Cup ever when it historically scored the “phantom” goal against Costa Rica in stoppage time, thus eliminating the United States from qualification. I haven’t talked much about the U.S. soccer team but I’ll say this, it’s karma. Look what’s happening in the world. That’s all. The Canal Men, quite fitting, will feature the oldest squad in the tournament and will simply try to physically bully their opponents into submission. They have a very slim chance of advancing out of the group stage.
Player to Watch: Roman Torres. Torres is their center defender who organizes and motivates the squad. He’s not particularly technical but he’s strong as an ox and is a beast in the air. He’ll probably foul the crap out of Harry Kane and have me petrified that Kane’s going to get hurt. Should be a fun one,
American Comparison: Jairus Lyles. Lyles hit the game winning 3 pointer for UMBC against Vermont to send them into the 2018 NCAA Men’s basketball tournament. Not going to say that Panama is going to upset a 1 seed (ya never know) but if they beat Belgium, it would also be a seismic upset.
Young Player to Watch: Ismael Diaz. Diaz is a 21 year old attacker who dons the number 10 jersey for the Canal Men. While he won’t start for the side, he has 11 caps and 2 goals for his home nation and offers some quality and youth in an otherwise elderly attack. Their top two goal scorers are 36 and 37 respectively.
X Factor: Refereeing. How strict will the refereeing be when the Canal Men take the field against their vastly superior European opponents? If the refs let them play, which I expect them to do against England because well, you know, Putin, then I could see them frustrating the English. They have the experienced, tactical cheekiness, and physical strength to frustrate a more talented team. And the later a game goes, the more trouble either Belgium or England will be in.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Blas Perez and Luis Tejada. These elder statesmen have over 200 caps and 80 goals combined and are the leaders of the Canal Men. Do they have any more magic left up their sleeves?
Key Fixture: I think Belgium will destroy them, but this screams classic England trap game. Watch the England match.
American Team Comparison: UMBC. See above but I would NOT pick them to advance beyond the group stage. There’s no real equivalent to hot 3 point shooting in soccer. Set pieces? Free kicks? Maybe but not likely to get them far.
Tactics with Tuber: FRAAB. As English gentleman and legendary manager Harry Redknapp once said, “Fuckin Run Around A Bit”

Tunisia:

Context: The Carthage Eagles (dope name alert) qualified rather easily from the African qualifying campaign but enter the tournament as one of the lowest rated teams. In their four career trips to the tournament, they’ve only won one game #morethanPanama and will look to double that against fellow two-word-named Panama. The Canal Men vs the Carthage Eagles sounds like some combination of Game of Thrones meets gay porn with the slight advantage going to the Canal Men for obvious linguistic reasons.
Player to Watch: Wahbi Khazri. Truthfully Khazri is the only person on this team I’ve heard of. He’s an attacking midfielder who will seemingly play up front. Leading scorer in qualifying, Youssef Msakni, was injured a few months prior to the tournament so Khazri will have even more to do by himself.
American Comparison: Zaza Pachulia. Because none of you have ever heard of any other athlete from the country of Georgia.
Young Player to Watch: Dylan Bronn. I know nothing about young Dylan Bronn but I find it pretty interesting that a guy on the Tunisian national team’s name is Dylan Bronn.
X Factor: Team spirit. The Carthage Eagles, like most upstarts who miraculously qualify for the World Cup, have great team spirit. Or so everyone says. Team spirit is the codeword for not great talent but somehow overachieve which is basically the opposite of England so ya never know! If they can keep England at bay for over a half then the young England squad will start to feel the pressure and at that point, team spirit can kick in and anything is possible!
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Saber Khalifa. Cool name.
Key Fixture: Panama on the last day. Most likely both of these teams will be eliminated but they’ll play for country morale and I think the fans of the Carthage Eagles will rally around their soaring athletes to lead them to a second victory in their nations history.
American Team Comparison: Any NCAA tournament team who prided themselves on defense, white guys who can shoot 3s and inexplicably got hot for a game, with great team chemistry.
Tactics with Tuber: Just going to have to go into these games with a fuck it, we’ll do it live attitude. If they get destroyed then so be it, if they get a result or two then wow, the Carthage Eagles will go down as legends in their country, which would be awesome.

Group Prediction:

Belgium- 7 pts (Belgium wins the group on goal differential because they’re going to beat Panama 4 or 5–0)
England 7 pts
Tunisia- 3 pts
Panama- 0 pts

Group H

Teams: Colombia, Japan, Poland, Senegal

Brief group context: While I’d expect Colombia to come out on top, this is probably the most open of any of the groups. It wouldn’t totally shock me to see any of these four teams progress (though Japan is the least likely).

Colombia:

Context: Los Cafeteros, translated as The Coffee Growers, have been growing far more than coffee in the hills and cities of Colombia in recent years…. They’ve grown talent, not cocaine, talent! The roster is a nice blend of youth and experience, though nobody has over 100 caps for the South American power. Coming off a quarterfinal exit to Brazil and their best World Cup finish in their nation’s history, all eyes will be on their dynamic talisman, James Rodriguez, to see if he lead his squad even further in this year’s tournament. At 45/1, they are one of the better longshots to win the cup because of their talent and experience in big matches. Funny story: qualifying in South America came down to the very last day of fixtures when only two of five tickets had been punched for Russia (Brazil and Uruguay). Perennial powers Argentina, Colombia, Chile, and Peru were all competing for three spots. As the games drew nearer to their conclusion, Colombia striker, and captain, Radamel Falcao was caught on camera whispering sweet nothings into the ears of many Peruvian defenders. While we’ll never be sure what he was whispering, what we do know is some context clues. Peru and Colombia were tied 1–1 and Brazil had just beaten Chile 3–0, effectively knocking Chile out of contention if the Peru/Colombia fixture remained as is. Unsurprisingly, the final few minutes of the Peru/Colombia match were rather dull and Chile will be watching the tournament from their homes.
Player to Watch: James Rodriguez. Rodriguez crashed into the forefront of the collective world’s consciousness with the goal of the tournament in 2014. The thundering volley was everything you dream about. His technique, precision, and execution were all flawless and the goal propelled Los Cafeteros into the quarterfinal and cemented his legacy in Colombian folklore; all at the age of 22. Now, four years later, at 26, Rodriguez has firmly become one of the best players in the world. His past season at Bayern Munich was quietly one of the most interesting (and best) in the world. While he had previously played strictly in the number 10 role, he actually dropped deeper and played more as a De Bruyne-esque “free 8” role for the German champions. Per whoscored.com, he was one of the most progressive passing central midfielders in the world (meaning that he played balls from a deeper position forward most consistently). Colombia will need him to drop deeper too, as their two primary central midfielders are solid ball-winners but very average passers.
American Comparison: Mike Trout. Trout is commonly considered the best player in baseball and has had numerous seasons of historical greatness. While Rodriguez is not quite at that level, he too has flown somewhat under the radar. Outside of Los Angeles and baseball minds, most casual baseball fans probably wouldn’t think of Trout as the best player in the world. His team has not made the playoffs, nor does he garner the same publicity as some of his rivals such as Bryce Harper, Jose Altuve or Clayton Kershaw.. Similarly, Trout, like Rodriguez, does it all for his team. As Trout goes, the Angels go and Colombia will have a similar strategy this summer in Russia.
Young Player to Watch: Davinson Sanchez and Yerry Mina. Sanchez and Mina, at 22 and 23 respectively, are two of the most promising young defenders in the world. Sanchez plays regularly for my beloved Tottenham Hotspur and has world class speed and athleticism that support his deft touch and ball playing ability. Mina, who currently plays his club football for Barcelona though is rumored to be on his way to Borussia Dortmund in search of more consistent playing time, is an absolute beast. He wards off defenders with Shaq-esque ease and is one of the best weapons on set pieces in the world. These two marshall the Colombian defense and will have to build on their outstanding performance in qualifying if they want to progress deep in the tournament.
X Factor: Radamel Falcao. The captain and striker is going to need to do more than whispering if Colombia are to make a deep run in the tournament. Between 2011–2013, Falcao was one of the hottest commodities in the world. He scored over 100 goals in those three years playing for Atletico Madrid and Monaco, earning him a big money move to England. Unsurprisingly, he went to Manchester United and then to Chelsea, only to score a measly 5 goals in two years. The English media and fans, like it’s done to many over the years, seemed to destroy his soul with dementor-like fashion and the once jovial striker seemed more miserable than Michelle Obama at the 2016 presidential inauguration. If Falcao can return to his old form then Colombia will make a deep run in the tournament, but if they need to rely on James for goals and playmaking then they’ll be in trouble.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Juan Cuadrado. The pacey winger plays his football for Juventus and is one of the most world-renowned players on the team. That being said, I’ve barely mentioned him this piece and he’s one of the most important players in their lineup. He’ll play wide on the right, is nearly unstoppable going 1 on 1, and will provide a much needed outlet of quality for James.
Key Fixture: Starting their group play off with a victory over Japan will set the tone in the group. Poland and Senegal is an interesting matchup and if they hold each other to a draw then Colombia will be in a great place going forward.
American Team Comparison: 2017 Boston Celtics. The 2017 Celtics rode the back of a lefty into undreamt of territory. Isaiah Thomas, the electric 5’7 guard stole the hearts of basketball fans in New England with his heroic regular season and playoff performance. Rodriguez in 2014 was Isaiah Thomas. People knew that he was talented but nobody knew that he was that talented. After anticipating a truck full of money dropped off at his front door by general manager Danny Ainge, Thomas was traded for a better Isaiah Thomas in Kyrie Irving and then was sent packing again to Los Angeles. Rodriguez, after his other-wordly performance in 2014 was bought by Real Madrid only to find playing time hard to come by and was thus loaned to Bayern Munich. Hopefully, like Rodriguez, Thomas finds his Bayern Munich soon and they can both continue to do awesome, lefty things.
Tactics with Tuber: I’d line up more in a 4–3–3 rather than a 4–3–2–1, giving James the opportunity to drop deeper as a passer and to utilize the other two central midfielders (probably Abel Aguilar and Carlos Sanchez) as ball-winners rather than ball-providers.

Japan:

Context: Fun fact: just above a quarter of the 127 million people who call Japan home are above the age of 65. Japan’s World Cup roster, like its population, is on the older side, with 12 of its 23 players over the age of 29 (old for soccer). Nonetheless, Japan has the most talent of any team from the Asian qualifying group and have a core of experienced, quality players who have played in big matches all around the globe. They have yet to miss a World Cup since they qualified for their first one in 1998, but have yet to reach the quarterfinals. While their group is very open, I don’t foresee this being the year that Japan snaps their streak.
Players to Watch: Shinji Okazaki and Shinji Kagawa. The Shinji’s are Japan’s most talented duo combining for 80 goals in over 200 appearances. Okazaki will most likely play up front, and although he’s rather small, he’s feisty in the air and a good finisher from inside the box. He was an integral part in Leicester City’s memorable title-winning season. He played off Jamie Vardy as a second striker, but he’ll have to slightly adjust his role for Kagawa is the maestro. His first touch is outstanding and he excels at getting into tight spaces in between the midfield and the defense and unlocking the back line with a deft flick or one touch pass. Kagawa, after a mildly successful stint with Manchester United returned to his former club, Borussia Dortmund, where he has regained his fine form and is one of their many attacking midfielders.
American Comparison: I was relatively surprised to find that there haven’t been many teammates with the same first name, thus I will compare each of them separately. Okazaki’s comparison is none other than Butler Bulldog legend, Shelvin Mack. While Gordon Hayward and Brad Stevens fittingly got all the credit in Butler’s miraculous runs to the Final Four, Mack was a key contributor who often delivered timely baskets when they were most necessary. Okazaki, though he was largely in the deserving shadow of teammates Jamie Vardy, Riyad Mahrez, and N’Golo Kante, was instrumental in Leicester City’s historic and unprecedented title run. He worked tirelessly on defense and often chipped in with a vital goal at the right moment. Kagawa, for some bizarre reason, reminds me of Omar Vizquel. There is no fielding in soccer but I find both of them to be very graceful and fluid at their craft. Vizquel, one of the best fielders in baseball history, often seemed to have the smoothest footwork, while Kagawa floats around the pitch and passes with delicate ease.
Young Player to Watch: Nobody under 25 on Japan’s roster has more than 4 caps.
X Factor: Keisuke Honda. Honda is one of the most iconic players in Japanese footballing history. His creativity and technical ability is outstanding and he also can threaten the opposing goal from set pieces. He was the 2011 Asian Cup’s most outstanding player and has been one of their best players in history. If he can still produce at a high level then they’ll contend with the other three sides in this group.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Hiroki Sakai. Sakai is a versatile defender who currently plays his club football for Marseille. His strong performances for the French club have triggered interest from bigger sides and he could be in line for a transfer this summer. Experienced defenders Maya Yoshida and Makoto Hasebe will help marshall a veteran defense, but Sakai can offer more going forward than either of the aforementioned defenders.
Key Fixture: Second fixture vs Senegal. It’d be a tremendous upset if the Japanese were able to defeat the Colombians in their opener so all eyes will be on their second fixture against Senegal if they want to advance out of group H.
American Team Comparison: Toronto Blue Jays. The Blue Jays are the oldest team in the MLB and have some universally respected talent. That being said, nobody is ever REALLY scared of the Blue Jays. Is it because they’re from Canada? Probably. We don’t really know how or why that is but when was the last time a competitive Yankees or Red Sox team was really scared of the Blue Jays. Japan are talented and have the most quality of any of the teams from Asia but is anyone really scared of them? No.
Tactics with Tuber: Use their usual high level of fitness to press some of these teams in their group. While all have solid defenders, few have strong enough central midfielders that then can progressively pass through opposing teams.

Poland:

Context: After two spells of poor qualifying campaigns, Poland is back at the World Cup for the first time since 2006. They won their qualifying group behind the goal scoring prowess of world-class striker Robert Lewandowski. Their offense has been clicking since qualifying started in 2016, but their aging defense will be in the spotlight in a competitive group in Russia.
Player to Watch: Robert Lewandowski. In his past three seasons, Lewandowski has cemented himself as one of the world’s premier strikers by scoring 103 goals in 146 total appearances. The Bayern Munich star is arguably the most complete pure striker in the world and he shoulders the bulk of the scoring burden for his homeland. Lewandowski has the pace to get in behind the opposing defense and the finishing ability to hurt them from anywhere, but it is his aerial ability that sets him apart from other strikers in the world.
American Comparison: Giancarlo Stanton on the Florida Marlins. Stanton has been one of the most dominant power hitters in the MLB in the past five years. His ability to crush a baseball into oblivion while simultaneously inject himself with PED’s is truly remarkable (just kidding he’s clean…we think). While on the Marlins, Stanton was the best player on his team by a wide margin even though he was somewhat of a one-trick pony. Defensively, Stanton is an average player and he does not hit for average very well. That being said, his one-trick is power hitting, and this trick is elite, which makes him incredibly valuable. Lewandowski does not have holes in his game like Stanton, but he he’s a striker so there’s only so much impact he can have on a match. Not to devalue strikers, even though I kind of am, but they can have less of an impact on a match for 90 minutes then other positions.
Young Player to Watch: Piotr Zielinski. The 24 year old is an attacking midfielder that can play behind Lewandwoski as a number 10 or in a wider role. His versatility will be key for the Polish lineup as they will need to be flexible to allow him and Arkadiusz Milik a spot in the side as well. Zielinski plays his club football for Napoli where he chipped in 4 goals and 2 assists this season. While those numbers will not grab your attention, he was playing behind the likes of Dries Mertens, Marek Hamsik, and other top offensive talents in the world. With two goals in his previous three games for Poland, he will play an important role in supporting Lewandowski.
X Factor: Arkadiusz Milik. The 24 year old has been widely considered the second best player for Poland in the past four years. In 2015/16, he scored 21 goals and had 7 assists for Ajax, which earned him a big move to Napoli. In the two ensuing seasons, he was unable to appear more than 15 times for his club with a terrible stretch of injuries. Milik is allegedly fit and will add sting and quality to this potent attack if he is able to cook up his old form.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Kamil Glik. Ain’t nobody messing with my Glik! Seriously though, Glik is a beast in the air and when healthy, is one of the most underrated central defenders in the world. He plays his club football for Monaco and helped them in their champions league runs in the past few years.
Key Fixture: Opener versus Senegal. The Senegal match will be huge for them. Senegal are a quality team and if they’re able to get three points from that match then they’ll be in great shape.
American Team Comparison: St. Louis Rams. Fun fact, the Rams no longer play in St. Louis. When they did, just a few short years ago, they were pretty mediocre and didn’t have much talent. They did, however, have one man named Aaron Donald. Donald is a defensive tackle who causes more havoc for backs (both quarter and running) then moving. Sidenote: moving sucks, thankfully I’m not this year. While the rest of his team struggled to play football at a high level, Donald was routinely in the discussion for defensive player of the year. It’s very difficult to be in contention for that award while your team sucks, and Poland has not been that great but do have a one-man wrecking crew in Lewandowski. In addition, Poland has historically been in the shadow of their neighbors to the west, Germany, and have never been able to match their quality and football fervor. While in St. Louis, the Rams were in the shadow of the Cardinals (the baseball team) and their cross state football rival, the Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs have a rabid fanbase, whilst the Rams were bought and moved to Los Angeles… awkward.
Tactics with Tuber: They should line up in a basic 4–2–3–1, with Gregorz Krychowiak sitting deep in front of the back four. Ideally if Milik is fit then he’ll play right behind Lewandowski with Zielinski and veteran Jakub Blaszczykowski on the wings. This attack should get them numerous chances but it will be up to Glik’s clique in the back to keep things stable.

Senegal:

Context: The Lions of Teranga are the most talented African side on paper. They have quality all over the pitch and seemingly have a very strong spine (the idea of strength from back to front in the middle of the field). They qualified very easily from a rather weak African group but have recently struggled in friendlies against low to mid-tier sides. They lack a consistent system and their manager, Aliou Cisse, has rotated heavily throughout qualifying. In the country’s only other World Cup appearance, 2002, they made a historic run to the quarterfinals. This team certainly has the talent to make a similar run, but they could also be a group stage flop; it’s difficult to predict.
Player to Watch: Sadio Mane. Mane plays his club football for Liverpool and has had two incredibly impressive seasons for the Merseyside club. Though he’s often in the shadow of Mo Salah and Roberto Firmino, Mane’s pace and finishing ability make him the ideal complement to those two stars. Since his arrival in England, he has 23 goals in 56 appearances and has helped make Liverpool one of the most potent attacks in all of Europe. He also has a knack for scoring big goals as he scored 10 goals in the Champions League this year, including their equalizer in the final. His role for Senegal, however hasn’t been as straightforward as his wide-forward role for Liverpool. At times he’s been deputized as a winger, a pure striker, and given a free role. I think they should try to utilize him the same way Liverpool does, as a wide forward, giving him the chance to take fullbacks one on one, while simultaneously being an outlet on the counterattack.
American Comparison: John Wall. Wall is undoubtedly one of the most talented point guards in the NBA. Regardless of his engagement level, he is one of the fastest players with and without the ball in the league and can often be a one person fastbreak. Mane is also ridiculously fast and can often be a one-man counterattack. While Mane is not the selfish, polarizing player that Wall is, he can float in and out of games if he does not get consistent opportunities. The talent is there, but will Mane be able to carry this talented roster to the knockout phase? I’m really not sure #Lalastakes.
Young Player to Watch: Ismaila Sarr. The 20 year old attacker from Rennes is one of the quickest players in the tournament. His three goals in 16 caps for the Lions of Teranga are quite impressive and he’s been starting up top with Mane in their recent friendlies. The plethora of attacking talent will make it hard for him to lock down a consistent spot, but if recent friendlies tell us anything then we should be seeing a lot of the youngster in Russia.
X Factor: Kalidou Koulibaly. Koulibaly is one of the most highly rated centerbacks in Europe at the moment and will most likely have a big money move from Lazio to a top ten club in the imminent future. When playing for his club, however, Koulibaly is playing alongside other quality defenders. The test for him this tournament will be whether or not he can keep his backline in tact and organized even though he’ll be surrounded by young, inexperienced players on both sides.
Underrated Player You Should Know About: Cheikhou Kouyate. Kouyate, the captain of the side, is a jack of all trades who plays his football for West Ham (yuck). Kouyate most commonly lines up as a central midfielder, but he has played centerback and striker for the Hammers at time. With their depth up top, Kouyate will most likely slot in as a central midfielder for his homeland but could see sometime at centerback if they can get quality performances from Idrissa Gueye and others in the center of the park.
Key Fixture: Opener versus Poland. The exact same reasons are as important for Senegal as they are for Poland (see above). I do believe, however, that this match is critical for Senegal’s morale. Poland has played in more competitive international matches recently than Senegal and I think Senegal’s youth and inexperience will be affected more with an early loss than Poland.
American Team Comparison: The Denver Nuggets. They utilize their distinct home court advantage (high altitude) most effectively by playing fast and furious. The Lions of Teranga (so fun) don’t have as distinct a home field advantage but their pace is second to none in the tournament. They will use their blazing speed (another Denver comparison) to their advantage and will likely rely on it heavily to get in behind their opponents.
Tactics with Tuber: This is a tough one. They have so many attacking threats that it’s going to be literally impossible to play all of them. I’d probably play a 3–4–3 with Koulibaly at centerback and Kouyate and Gueye in the center midfield. They could then utilize attacking wing backs to get forward in addition to the three strikers up top.

Predictions:

Colombia- 7 pts
Senegal- 6 pts
Poland- 3 pts
Japan- 0 pts

Why Cristiano Ronaldo is like Lebron James, Or How to Enjoy the World Cup

When Iran scored a last gasp winner, the eleven of us erupted and the woman immediately started sobbing with joy. That is what the World Cup is all about.

World Cup Groups:

1. Group A

Russia:

Saudi Arabia:

Egypt:

Uruguay:

Overall Group Prediction:

2. Group B

Iran:

Morocco:

Portugal:

Spain:

Overall Group Prediction:

3. Group C

Australia:

Denmark:

France:

Peru:

Overall Group Prediction:

Group D

Argentina:

Croatia:

Iceland:

Nigeria:

Overall Group Prediction:

Group E

Brazil:

Costa Rica:

Serbia:

Switzerland:

Group F

Germany:

Mexico:

South Korea:

Sweden:

Predictions:

Group G

Belgium:

England:

Panama:

Tunisia:

Group Prediction:

Group H

Colombia:

Japan:

Poland:

Senegal:

Predictions:

Written by Savi Tuber