Dear Tourists in Times Square:
There are a whopping 350,000 of you every day this summer. I want to thank you for coming and supporting our theaters, restaurants, and stores—and commend you for braving the chaotic epicenter of New York City tourism. As someone who was born and raised mere blocks from Times Square, and who has worked in an office building there for the past decade, and who wades through a sea of you every day—in fact, we probably bumped shoulders this morning—I would also like to explain a little something about Times Square: Half the people have no place to go and all day to get there. The other half know exactly where we're going and are late.
So I have a teeny tiny favor to ask: Get out of our way. Please.
We’re not xenophobes. We’re just trying to get to work. Which isn’t easy when so many of you walking in front of us suddenly stop dead in your tracks to stare at the tall buildings, causing the line of pedestrians behind you to slam into one another like dominos. It’s not easy when you stand around in groups smack in the center of the sidewalk—each group’s size doubled by the shopping bags hanging off it—chatting with your companions about where to go next. Face it: When tourists do this to you in the city where you live, you get frustrated too. In fact, back home in Paris or Rome you mock ugly American tourists. In Florence you curse them (often with very good reason).
In the interest of everyone’s safety and well-being, I thought I'd offer up a few friendly pointers for what not to do in Times Square—tips that probably translate to any busy neighborhood worldwide where wall-to-wall tourists and determined locals collide, from the Champs-Elysees in Paris to Nathan Road in Hong Kong to the Ginza in Tokyo.
My Times Square Tips:
• When you're walking down a jam-packed sidewalk and something catches your eye, don't come to a sudden halt, especially when holding an umbrella (which some of you do even in the bright sun, as dictated by your culture or your dermatologist). Want to stop and stare? Pull over to the building-frontage side of the sidewalk. Don’t move to the curb: That's where those of us who are forced to walk in the street need to jump to, should a taxi nearly kill us.
• Don’t saunter hand-in-hand-in-hand. Remember that the three feet of personal space you have in Milwaukee is reduced to 14 inches here. Families with kids: Think single file, with one parent leading, the other in the rear; you'll find that everyone is so smushed together and moves so slowly that you can still hold hands this way.
• Don't start gesticulating wildly with a lit cigarette between your fingers. You can avoid burning other people's shoulders, hair, and clothes by keeping your cigarette in your mouth at all times.
• Don't choose the curb zone of a crosswalk for a lengthy group conversation. Just because the light is red does not make it okay. (We locals don't wait for green.) Move to a side street.
• Don't block pedestrian traffic further by attempting to hail a cab outside a theater where hundreds of exiting theatergoers are trying to do the same thing. To find an empty cab, walk a block east or a block west. Even better, take the subway. The Times Square subway station is the fastest conduit to just about anywhere in the city.
• Don't study your map on the sidewalk—especially at night—thus signaling to every pickpocket and con artist that you're from out of town. To consult your map, go inside a big store like Toys R Us or Sephora. Same if you must spend more than 15 seconds exploring all the settings on your new camera.
• Don't exit an ATM with bills in your hand and start counting them on the street for everyone to see.
• When a six-foot Elmo in a scrungy suit walks up to you, you don't have to have your photo taken with him. Or with Micky or Minnie or Spongebob. You might opt for a photo with the Naked Cowboy, though—just so the folks back home will believe he really exists.
More travel secrets:
The 12 Biggest Travel Mistakes You Think You’re Too Smart to Make
The Famous Boston Attraction You Can Skip—and the Five You Shouldn't