Healthy Expression of Anger

In last week's column, I wrote of the many disguises we show, in an attempt to hide our expression of anger. Today, I offer some suggestions about how to express our anger in ways which are useful, harmless, powerful and psychologically healthy.

The foundation for building habits of healthy anger expression is to change your beliefs about the emotion of anger itself. As children, we usually conclude that feeling angry was not OK. Update that belief. Anger is not itself harmful, or "bad." It is the body's way of generating energy quickly and intensely. Feeling anger is OK. How we express it, or act it out, may or may not be appropriate or healthy.

When first learning healthy anger expression, you may want to try announcing it. Like a radio announcer does not expect immediate or direct replies to what he says into the microphone, you can announce that you are feeling angry without any expectations about responses. Merely state, "Right now I'm feeling very angry," and do or expect nothing more.

Follow the announcement with clarification of what your anger is all about. State as clearly as you can, what you are angry about, so the other person can understand it.

Own your own anger. Take responsibility for it. Never say, "You make me mad," or "it makes me angry." Neither nothing nor anyone can make you angry. Only you can become angry. No one else does it to you. Your emotions are yours, caused by you, experienced by you, and owned by you. By themselves, they are always non-dangerous.

Always send "I" messages. We never know what others are experiencing, so to speak as if we did is always inaccurate at best and inappropriate at worst. When a statement begins with "you," the listener always feels accused or diminished in some way.

Write out your anger. Write a letter or an essay. Keep writing until all your anger is out on paper. After you have written everything you wanted to express about your anger, tear it up and throw it away.

Rehearse out loud everything you want to say in anger. Do this when you are absolutely alone. Listen to yourself. Say everything you have bottled up or kept inside all this time. Shout, swear or yell. Like airing out your clothes, airing out your anger refreshes the way you feel.

Do some aggressive physical activity. Stomp your feet, swing the pillows, strike the mattress. Throw rocks into a lake or pond. Swim as if you were smashing the water. Swing that golf club as if you were killing snakes. Make sure you protect yourself from any damage caused by impact. Hurting yourself by expressing your anger is as harmful as hurting yourself by keeping it in.

Use your imagination to conjure up the desired consequences of your angry activity. Angry fantasies are always safe and harmless. Imagery while engaging in some strenuous physical activity can be a rapid release of anger.

When you are angry or expressing your anger in effective, harmless ways, generate internal self-talk which is reassuring and affirming. This can replace those messages received when you were a child and feeling angry.

Use your angry energy to powerfully pursue your need fulfillment. Learn self-assertiveness. Stand up for yourself...not against another. Become powerful in revealing to others what you need, what you feel, and who you are.

Anger is a powerful, human emotion. Learn skillful ways of using it, and you harness your own natural power. When you release yourself from pent up anger, you re-balance yourself physically and psychologically. When you use your power to pursue any goal, you increase the probability of attaining it. Make genuine happiness your goal, and your anger might just help you create it.

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Dr. Thomas is a licensed psychologist, author, speaker, and life coach. He serves on the faculty of the International University of Professional Studies. He recently co-authored (with Patrick Williams) the book: "Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques for Enhancing Your Practice...and Your Life!" (W.W. Norton 2005) It is available at your local bookstore or on Amazon.com.

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