Look, I couldn’t tell you which MCU film is closest in story to its comic book counterpart. I couldn’t tell you which Spider-Man is most similar to the original character. And I couldn’t tell you which “real-life” Batman actor follows the outline of the comic book Caped Crusader best.
But I can tell you this: The best on-screen adaptation of Batman is objectively, undoubtedly, certainly “The Lego Batman Movie.”
It doesn’t even matter that I haven’t seen every single other Batman movie or TV show. No matter what, I reign superior.
I’m not going to spend this time comparing BatBale to Batfleck to Battinson. I’m certainly not delving into the ’60s TV show because, honestly, why would I? And sure “Batman: The Animated Series” isn’t terrible, but, I’m not going to talk about that either. I’m just going to be honest and break down what makes my Batman movie an objectively perfect film and the best on-screen Batman in existence.
- It’s for all audiences
Okay, I know it seems like “Lego Batman” is meant for kids, but all you parents in the audience will have fun too. After all, I’m also a parent whose kid drags him to movies, so I get it. I might rap the Batman theme, hate on Iron Man and craft a song about having a nine-pack — moments that are objectively funny and appeal to all audiences in the movie, but there’s more too. Like, remember that reference to shark repellent? It’s a call back to the (not as good as my movie) ’60s Batman TV show. Kids won’t get it, but grown-ups will. Or when my nemesis the Joker meets other iconic villains from The Phantom Zone, we get a little mention of “British robots,” which Joker says to “ask your nerd friends (about).” These are Daleks, from “Doctor Who”; what six year old in the audience is going to get that? I certainly didn’t. It’s not for them — it’s for the parents and older siblings sitting in the theater. It’s a movie that’s perfect for the whole family — parents get to understand references that lie below the surface, and kids get to enjoy a Joker that is palatable for their young minds — in other words, he doesn’t stab a man with a pencil, like Heath Ledger’s (“10 Things I Hate About You”) iconic version of the character. Although, let’s be real — that pencil stabbing scene was pretty hardcore.
- The symbolism
Whether or not you are aware of the details of my character, it’s pretty widely known that, as with most other superheroes, I have an alter ego in handsome, charming, perfect, amazing, billionaire, playboy Bruce Wayne. In The Dark Knight franchise, Bruce Wayne plays up the schmoozing, charming billionaire persona all the time. But when Christian Bale (“American Hustle”) puts on the cowl, he turns into someone else — a terrifying vigilante. “Lego Batman,” though, handles the whole alter ego thing differently. In almost every single scene of my movie, I wear the Batman cowl. Whether I’m on the streets in full Batman getup or heating up leftover dinner in my robe, I am still Batman. The juxtaposition of this is not only funny (again, you see me in a robe, microwaving lobster thermidor) but it’s actually also a commentary on how I see myself. I see myself as Batman first and Bruce Wayne second. Or, at least I did. I guess now I see that with my kid, Robin, I have to be Batman and Bruce Wayne.
- The found family dynamic is perfect
You don’t have to be a Batman stan to know that my parents died; it’s my iconic origin story (a much better story than all the other dumb superheroes). And while other Batman stories have Bruce Wayne grow and move on (think the end of “The Dark Knight Rises”), few renditions of the Batman story have Bruce Wayne accept his past in a healthy way and continue to be a Batman that does good for his community. I do that, though. And yeah, I’ve had to learn from other people (which can be annoying because no one’s smarter than I am), but I guess it works out okay sometimes. Alfred (Ralph Fiennes, “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”), my father figure can be pretty helpful — when he isn’t child-locking the Batcave computers. Barbara (Rosario Dawson, “Rent”), the girl who’s definitely so in love with me fights by my side as Batgirl (although she’d probably say that I fight by her side). Robin (Michael Cera, “Juno”), my adopted son, makes me want to be a better padre everyday. Even the Joker (Zach Galifianakis, “The Hangover”), my greatest enemy, can be a good guy to hang around sometimes. In fact, at the end of the movie we use our heads (yes, our Lego heads) to keep the city from literally falling apart, and while I probably could have done it myself, the Joker helped a little.
Needless to say, “The Lego Batman Movie” is perfection in every single way.
Which shouldn’t be surprising, considering it’s all about me. If you still have doubts after reading this, go watch “The Lego Batman Movie” — then you’ll believe me.
Daily Arts Writer Sabriya Imami can be reached at simami@umich.edu.