A dull game for 117 minutes exploded into glittering life thereafter, with one goal scored and two other notable misses, one from the halfway line, another from six yards! And after it all, Argentina make the quarters ...
Nope. His free kick blooters into the wall, and Argentina are through! Well, well, well, what an appalling game that was for 117 minutes. And then in the final throes, more than enough incident for a whole game! Superlative stuff, and what fun! Poor Switzerland. But well done Argentina, who will play either Belgium or the USA in the quarter finals! What a parable of patience that was. A party atmosphere in Buenos Aires and Vatican City tonight! All round to Pope's!
Happy people in Buenos Aires. Photograph: Enrique Marcarian/Reuters Photograph: ENRIQUE MARCARIAN/REUTERS
Sad people in Bern. Photograph: Alessandro Della Valle/EPA Photograph: ALESSANDRO DELLA VALLE/EPA
ET 30 min +3: The Swiss come forward again, and Shaqiri makes use of Garay's lunge, leaping over his leg and winning a free kick in the middle of the Argentinian D! What a finish we have here!
ET 30 min +2: Switzerland have another free kick. They load the box. Benaglio comes up again. But Argentina break free! Di Maria is free down the left, but from the halfway line misses the open net high and wide left!
ET 30 min +1: WHAT A MISS!!! Switzerland hook the free kick into the box. After a stramash, it's out of play on the left for a corner. Switzerland bung the ball in. The keeper Benaglio, up in desperation, gets a head on it. The ball flies out to the right, and is then whipped back in - where Dzemaili is free by the left-hand post, six yards out! He heads onto the bottom of the post, then knees the rebound wide left, with the goal gaping! What an astonishing miss!
Blerim Dzemaili can't believe the ball didn't end up in the net. Photograph: Eddie Keogh/Reuters Photograph: EDDIE KEOGH/REUTERS
Nor can his team-mates. Photograph: Juan Mabromata/AFP/Getty Images Photograph: JUAN MABROMATA/AFP/Getty Images
This game has been dross, but this goal is pure quality! Palacio wins the ball in the middle of the park. Messi suddenly turns on the burners and dribbles down the inside left channel, drifting inside. Then he rolls a pass out wide right to Di Maria, who meets it and steers a wonderful finish into the bottom left corner! What a stunning finish, and a wonderful run by Messi.
Gooooaaaalllll Photograph: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images Photograph: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images
ET 27 min: Messi runs around in a baroque manner, going absolutely nowhere. "Pope Francis better start saying his prayers for the penalties," suggests Justin Kavanagh. "He is reputed to always take the side of the poor, and Argentina have been that today."
ET 25 min: Rodriguez battles past Biglia down the left and rolls a dreadful cross straight to Romero. Argentina go up the other end, where Mascherano ambitiously attempts to score from 30 yards. Mascherano! "That Jan Molby reference (ET 9 min) reminds me of my favourite ever Kenny Dalglish quote, in the Liverpool Echo back in 2006, I think," recalls Phil Sawyer. "He was involved in preparations for a charity match between the Liverpool and Everton sides of 1986 and said, and I'm quoting from memory here but remember it fairly accurately, 'The Everton midfielders are putting in extra practice right now. They're trying to raise their stamina levels as it's an awful long way around Jan Molby nowadays'."
ET 22 min: Di Maria is beginning to wake up at last. He has another flay at goal after gliding in from the right. His shot is deflected over the bar and wide left by Fernandes. From the corner, Di Maria has an ambitious rake from 30 yards. Three rugby points, but no more.
Angel Di Maria knows he should have done a lot better. Photograph: Paulo Whitaker/Reuters Photograph: PAULO WHITAKER/REUTERS
ET 21 min: Messi goes on a skedaddle down the inside left, and reaches the Swiss area, but his low cross is hacked away. This is all pretty bad. "Surely a player who had run around more than the average is exactly the kind of player who'll be more tired and hence likely to be substituted?" asks Tom Lawrence, adding a rare dash of logic and intelligence to the regular Guardian MBM recipe.
ET 19 min: Suddenly a dash of quality from Di Maria, who has been poor today but highly decent at this World Cup otherwise. He drops a shoulder down the right and launches a rising bolt towards the top right. Benaglio tips over for a corner, from which Switzerland try to break upfield, but dither and fail.
ET 18 min: Argentina are dominating possession, pinging it around the back. But can't get it forward to the four men they've thrown up front. It's a stand-off. "How about sending home BOTH teams if a game ends in a 0-0 draw?" wonders Tom Walton. Anyone know anyone with Sepp Blatter's number? Tell them it's an emergency.
And we're off again! Biglia comes on for Gago. "Like Matthew Tempest (ET 9 min), I'm rather late to the party too," writes Ianto Brychan, "but I'd like to support your stance on GSTQ. It's the British anthem, as I understand it, and, as we Welsh and the Scots have gotten away with another song for years now, I'm surprised the English haven't followed suit. The dirge can be kept for British sport such as the Olympics, Andy Murray doing well and the ones where you sit down."
Di Maria is in acres of space down the left, a sudden quick break. There aren't many options for him, though, and his cross is aimless. Messi tries to sort something out on the edge of the area, but can't find room for a shot. And that's that. Don't worry, only 15 more minutes of this to go.
Now it's Rodrigo Palacio's turn to be crowded out by the Swiss defence. Photograph: Juan Mabromata/AFP/Getty Images Photograph: JUAN MABROMATA/AFP/Getty Images
ET 15 min +1: Rojo - who by the way will miss the quarter final should Argentina get through, as a result of that booking on 89 mins - is replaced by Basanta.
ET 14 min: Switzerland go up a gear or two, all of a sudden. Shaqiri is very close to dancing past Gago down the left, and breaking into the box, but he loses control. Nearly. The Swiss ping it around awhile, to a lusty chorus of "olé"s, led by the Brazilian contingent in the crowd I'll be bound. Argentina are not on top of their game today.
ET 12 min: Zabaleta dinks a ball down the right in the hope of freeing Higuain into space, but it's easily blocked out. Argentina are doing nothing. Switzerland sashay upfield, Seferovic having a whack from 30 yards. No, no, no.
ET 9 min: This has slowed right down now. Neither team seems to possess the wit to carve the others open. Defences very much on top, but only because the attacks are proving so inept. "I'm late to the party," writes erstwhile Guardian politico Matthew Tempest, "but if Dan Rookwood can show up unannounced to the Guardian Unlimited Reunion, why not? Question: You know those substitution data captions that come on when a player departs the field? I may have missed a couple of games in this World Cup - but I've yet to see one for a player who's run less than the team average...this can only be, surely - by the law of averages - if the goalkeeper is included in the team algorithms?" It's a fair point, well made. But those stats are pointless anyway. Everyone knows the best players stand for the entire match in the centre circle dictating play, walking no more than five yards hither and yon, with a massive beer belly hanging over the belt of their shorts. Jan Molby: total distance covered, 18m 37cm. That sort of thing.
ET 6 min: Shaqiri is knocked to the ground by Mascherano down the Swiss left. A free kick in a very dangerous position for Switzerland. Inler curls one in, but it's easily headed clear, the ball not beating the first man with six red shirts standing behind screaming in impotent frustration. Picking up the second phase ball, Shaqiri attempts to score from the best part of 30 yards, but come along.
Come on Shaqiri you can do better than that. Photograph: Eddie Keogh/Reuters Photograph: EDDIE KEOGH/REUTERS
ET 4 min: Djourou tussles with Higuain down the Argentinian right. Free kick for Argentina, who load the box. Messi curls the ball into the area. Palacio sends a backwards header towards the top left. Benaglio holds comfortably.
ET 2 min: A couple of corners for Argentina down the right. Benaglio makes a hash of punching the first, with Garay looking to head home at the near post, then deals with the second easily enough. Paf!
Nope! That's it! And there will be 30 more minutes. Let's hope exhaustion opens this game up a bit in extra time, because that was pretty poor stuff all round.
90 min: There will be three added mintues. Rodriguez is bundled over by Gago down the left. Switzerland will be able to fling a free kick into the Argentinian area from 35 yards out. In it goes, and ...
89 min: Messi goes on a determined skitter down the left. Then cuts into the box. He threads a pass through to Palacio, who has the ball at his feet six yards out, level with the left-hand post. The striker can't get the ball out from under his feet. Corner. The set piece is curled to the far post, where Di Maria's header clanks off the back of Higuain. Switzerland clear. Unnamed Swiss Player looks to break up the left. Rojo takes him out cynically and is booked.
87 min: Messi and Behrami tangle down the left. Messi wins a free kick. He grabs the ball to take, and shoulders Behrami out of the way. Behrami goes down with a view to getting the referee to whip his notebook out. But the referee quite rightly opts to talk to the pair. Messi did little wrong there, to be honest.
84 min: Gago rakes a lovely right-to-left diagonal pass down the left, releasing Rojo, who pulls back for Palacio. The striker attempts a Maxi Rodriguez style flick and volley. Nope! Argentina soon come back at the Swiss, with Rojo taking his turn from distance. Nope! Argentina appear to have run out of ideas; it's all ambitious skelps from distance.
82 min: Garay bundles Drmic over in the centre circle. It's the last action the striker sees. He's subbed off, with Seferovic coming on. "I'm not one to complain, generally speaking," begins Harry the Dog, "but can you not start snippets with phrases like 'Gago scores (76 mins)? You damned near woke me up, man!"
79 min: The corner's whipped to the near post. Benaglio manages to hook the ball clear, in a clumsy fashion, as though he's waving a shovel about. Free kick, for some imagined slight. More diplomacy from the referee, who seems to have decided that nothing whatsoever should come from that little episode.
78 min: Messi dances and diddles into the area down the inside left. He's got a couple of chances to shoot, but wants to get closer and closer. Eventually he takes a low whack towards the bottom left. Benaglio does well to get down and keep the shot out with a strong arm. Cue stramash, as the loose ball bounces around. Palacio goes over the keeper's body. Switzerland claim a foul. Argentina claim a penalty. Nope. And nope. It's a corner. Very diplomatic.
Diego Benaglio gets down quickly to save well from Messi, but Rodrigo Palacio, centre, is ready to pounch on the rebound. Photograph: Juan Mabromata/AFP/Getty Images Photograph: JUAN MABROMATA/AFP/Getty Images
Palacio pounces and Benaglio bravely dives at his feet. That's gotta hurt. Photograph: Kai Pfaffenbach/Reuters Photograph: KAI PFAFFENBACH/REUTERS
It does. Photograph: Paul Hanna/Reuters Photograph: PAUL HANNA/REUTERS
75 min: Palacio's immediately into the action. Messi clips a cross into the Swiss area from the left. Palacio heads wide right from a position six yards out, near the right-hand post. Higuain was just behind Palacio and arguably better placed to batter a header goalwards - the new boy was stretching - and grimaces accordingly.
74 min: Fernandes is baiting the big boys all right, but scything across the back of Di Maria's legs is not the most stylish way to do it. He's quite rightly booked. Meanwhile Argentina hook Lavezzi, and replace him with Palacio.
72 min: Gago tries to flick an insouciant pass down the right to release Messi into space, but it's straight at Inler. Gago flicks his head back, like a Pez dispenser, the international language of inner turmoil. Argentina are beginning to betray their frustration. "People seem to fancy this Argentina side, which is significantly not as good as the one that wilted in the sun in 2006," argues Niall Mullen. "Cambiasso, Ayala, Milito, Riquelme andZanetti are arguably upgrades on their 2014 counterparts. If they couldn't manage it I'm not sure how this lightweight side will."
69 min: Switzerland show up down the other end for the first time in a while. Fernandes is this close to threading a pass straight down the middle to release Drmic, but the striker can't quite bust clear and he ends up using too much force on Fernandez. Free kick. Argentina breathe again, because for a split second that looked like becoming a one-on-one with the keeper.
67 min: Higuain misses a header from six yards, Zabaleta having dinked a lovely cross in from the right. He didn't connect properly at all, the ball flying off to the left wing. It's pumped back into the area. Cleared, but only to Messi who, taking a step down the inside right, lashes his laces across the front of the ball and sends a screaming, dipping volley inches over the crossbar. The best moment from Messi, and Argentina, so far. Preceded by one of the worst, but you can't have everything.
66 min: Xhaka is replaced by Gelson Fernandes. Another big-boy baiting performance from the Swiss midfielder, who scored the winner against Spain four years ago?
64 min: Corner for Argentina down the left. Lavezzi takes. Inler eyebrows to the right wing. A little magic from Messi, who sparkles along the byline and stands one up into the centre. Cleared by the determined Inler. It's attack versus defence right now.
62 min: Rojo is Argentina's best player today by some distance. He curls a delicious ball into the Swiss box from the left, onto the head of Higuain, 12 yards out. The header is blootered straight at Benaglio, who arcs his back and tips over spectacularly. The corner is no good. A sense that Argentina are beginning to dominate, to impose themselves on the Swiss. But the final touch is lacking so far.
Diego Benaglio leaps like a salmon. Photograph: Juan Mabromata/AFP/Getty Images Photograph: JUAN MABROMATA/AFP/Getty Images
60 min: Di Maria needs a good talking to. He's in acres of space down the right. He reaches the byline, with options in the centre. Argentina desperately need something, so what does he attempt? A rabona. A time and a place, Angel, a time and a place. The ball is shanked straight out of play. Dearie me. Not quite up there with David Dunn's slapstick masterpiece, but still.
Messi, like most of the watching public, doesn't seem to be enjoying the match so far. Photograph: Matthias Hangst/Getty Images Photograph: Matthias Hangst/Getty Images
59 min: Rojo is trying his level best. A cross - or is it a shot? - from a tight angle down the left. It forces Benaglio to parry clear at the near post, a desperate last-ditch save.
57 min: A little bit better by Argentina, with the impressive Rojo in space down the left. He lifts a cross into the area which Benaglio punches clear. Cutting in from the right, Di Maria picks up the loose ball and flicks a dismal effort goalwards. It's easily blocked. But it's an effort nonetheless. More is expected of Argentina than this. They're currently making Brazil 2014 look like Brazil 1970.
56 min: A bit of possession up the field for Argentina, but they're shockingly ineffective. Switzerland very comfortable. "I take it by 'our' national anthem (20 mins) you mean God Save The Queen," begins Simon McMahon. "That is the mother of all dirges, but I'm not too keen on Flower of Scotland either. We really need to get our act together on the anthem front. 'Hermless' by the legendary and much missed Dundee singer-songwriter Michael Marra has often been touted as an alternative Scottish national anthem. And with good reason. 'Hermless, hermless, there's never nae bather fae me, I go to the library, I tak oot a book, and then I go hame for meh tea.'"
53 min: Rodriguez attempts to score from a position nearly 40 yards up the left wing. Romero might have had the clown shoes on back there, but even so, a little respect, please! The, eh, ambitious effort bounds out of play, miles to the right of the goal. A waste, too, as other red shirts were in close proximity and offering attacking options. Switzerland look the more confident side right now.
51 min: Buoyed by that display of Argentinian nerves, Shaqiri makes off down the inside left and pulls a ball back for Drmic, who welts a shot from the edge of the area over the bar. He didn't have much time to play with there.
50 min: Mascherano takes down Drmic as he makes off down the right wing. Free kick to the Swiss, 30 yards out. Shaqiri takes, and goes for the top right. Romero plucks the ball out of the sky, then performs a little tribute to Hollywood's silent comedians, dropping the ball at his feet and then chasing after it along the byline. The PA system should blast out a bit of jaunty piano, but doesn't. The ball clanks off his shin. It's like a farmer chasing a pig. He eventually smothers the ball just before it fizzes out of the area. What haplessness.
48 min: Switzerland should be down to ten men, Xhaka clanking into the back of Messi down the right in an extremely clumsy fashion. He's already been booked. But the referee is generous, and the resulting free kick comes to nothing. Lucky Switzerland.
A free-kick which came to nothing. Photograph: Mike Hewitt/FIFA via Getty Images Photograph: Mike Hewitt - FIFA/FIFA via Getty Images
46 min: This is better from Argentina already. Messi picks up a long Mascherano rake from the centre of the park, just near the Swiss D. He turns a pass down the left for Lavezzi, who wins a corner. That set piece leads to another corner, this time on the right, earned by a Mascherano shot. But Messi's delicate cross is easily headed clear by Schaer.
No changes for the start of the second half. And we're off again! Switzerland restart the game. Meanwhile it appears even the Pope has succumbed to banter. Look at the state of this. Banter. The Pope. For the love of Diego H Maradona, is nothing sacred?
Half-time advertisement filmed in glamorous Switzerland: A classic, from one of the 1954 World Cup's main sponsors (if that picture of Josef Hugi in the preamble is anything to go by, which in fairness it might not be).
Drmic busies himself down the left and wins a corner off Fernandez. Switzerland have been lively in attack. Schaer looks to win a header at the near post from the corner, but the ball's clanked clear. And that's that for a fairly poor half of football. Switzerland will be happier than Argentina, but only just. Where's our classic? Improvements in the second half, please!
The Swiss tactic of crowding out Lionel Messi is working well. Photograph: Matthias Hangst/Getty Images Photograph: Matthias Hangst/Getty Images
43 min: Argentina with more passing. They've not been particularly impressive. Lavezzi plays what looks like an overly strong reverse pass down the left to release Rojo. The left back, one of Argentina's few hits at this World Cup, somehow gets to the ball, and pulls it into the centre. There's a little bit of pinball, and a strangled claim for a handball, but they're not getting that. "The cultural vandal responsible for Argentina's white shorts should have their contract torn up by Diego himself," suggests Jim Lines. "Is nothing sacred in modern football? This is a nation defined by its delicious meddling in football's dark arts and those shorts were the perfect symbol."
41 min: Argentina play some over-intricate stuff back and forth along the front of the Swiss box. Everyone's too close to each other to function properly. The ball somehow breaks to Di Maria on the right. He wafts a weak effort straight at Benaglio.
39 min: Switzerland really should be leading. A long diagonal ball from the right towards Drmic down the inside-left channel, and the striker's free, making good for the box! Romero doesn't know whether to come and smother or stay tall. He does neither. All Drmic has to do is lift a gentle pitching wedge of a shot over the stranded keeper from the edge of the box. But he whiffs his shot, and the ball gently falls into a grateful Romero's arms. What a waste. Argentina are a woeful shambles at the back, but Iran have already proved this point.
Josip Drmic bears down on the dithering Sergio Romero before unleashing his underwhelming shot. Photograph: Frank Augstein/AP Photograph: Frank Augstein/AP
36 min: "I'm a bit concerned that Stewart Todd (13 min) thinks his son will grow up to believe everything he sees on the internet," worries Lizz Poulter. "I think now is a very good time to educate him. It's all lies. All of it. Every single bit." Xhaka comes straight through the back of Lavezzi and is shown a giant yellow £500,000 cheque by the referee, who is riding a pink unicorn.
35 min: Free kick for the Swiss down the right, deep in Argentinian territory. Shaqiri lumps a ball into the mixer. Romero punches clear, though not in a particularly convincing fashion. This is not a high-quality game.
Some balloons in the colours of Argentina lay on the pitch as a free-kick is whipped in. Photograph: Nelson Almeida/AFP/Getty Images Photograph: NELSON ALMEIDA/AFP/Getty Images
32 min: Argentina, perhaps shocked into action by the chance they gave up from that Swiss corner, are applying a bit of territorial pressure. They've enjoyed 57% of possession so far. The final ball's been lacking, though.
29 min: A couple of chances for Lavezzi in the Swiss area on the right. The first leads to a weak shot, straight at Benaglio. The second is a mazy dribble that brings a corner. Di Maria whips an astonishingly good ball straight through the six-yard box and out of play to the left of goal. Garay was an inch away from getting a decent header on that, but it only brushed his eyebrow. It's not been a good game, but a couple of proper connections and we could be at 1-1 here.
27 min: Shaqiri with a free kick down the right. To prove witless free kicks aren't the sole preserve of Argentina, he whips in a ball that's cleared without fuss by Garay. But the Swiss come back at Argentina, Shaquiri again with a decent dribble. Corner down the right. Another corner's the result. And from that, a short corner, Shaqiri zips along the byline and pulls the ball back to Xhaka on the penalty spot. He really should score, but batters his shot straight at Romero, who parries, then gathers a fairly timid follow-up from the edge of the area from Drmic. Great play by Switzerland to carve Argentina open, mind.
25 min: Di Maria is bundled over by Mehmedi, 30 yards from goal down the inside-right channel. The free kick is rather obviously curled into the Swiss box, towards the head of Higuain. Over the bar, by quite some distance. This match is poor.
Seeing as nothing is happening on the pitch, lets check out some look-a-likes in the stands. Photograph: Jorge Martinez/Fotoarena/Corbis Photograph: Jorge Martinez/ Jorge Martinez/Fotoarena/Corbis
20 min: Shouldn't he be practising, or getting an ice bath, or something? Anyway, speaking of Swiss institutions fast running out of time, here's Luke Williams on the Swiss Psalm. "This is potentially the last time that the Swiss Psalm heard today will feature at a World Cup," he reports. "And not because of the state of Swiss football, either. A competition is under way (since 1 Jan 2014) to write a new one that is less 'like a cross between a weather report and a church hymn'. The idea is to present a new text to the Government by end 2015, which would then be put to a good old Swiss referendum." Can we not have one of these too, please? Anything to dump our dirge. The only worry is they'd get Gary Barlow to write it.
17 min: Messi scampering down the left like a wild animal, chasing after a long hoick. He can't quite keep the ball in play. The Swiss have done very little since that Inler shot. One couch potato will not be happy:
14 min: A little more space for Messi down the left. He whips a cross into the centre for Higuain again, this time a high ball. A wee bit too high for the striker, but Argentina are beginning to impose themselves.
13 min: Space for Messi down the left wing. He smoothly glides infield, and on the edge of the box slides a diagonal ball along the turf for Higuain, racing in from the penalty spot. The striker can't quite connect. A little danger there. "If there is one thing that has been wrong with this World Cup it is Fifa’s ridiculous insistence that teams wear predominantly light or dark strips," begins Stewart Todd, before taking a deep breath and resuming his diatribe, utilising both the 'relentless' and 'trenchant' styles. "And adidas, Nike, Puma etc slavishly going along with it. All white Germany? Argentina’s white shorts? And the fact Holland and Italy didn’t have any white shorts? Come off it, I don’t want my son growing up in a world where he thinks YouTube footage of strips in Espana 82 must be wrong."
Xherdan Shaqiri gets stuck in, much to the chagrin of Ezequiel Lavezzi. Photograph: Matthias Hangst/Getty Images Photograph: Matthias Hangst/Getty Images
10 min: Di Maria is in busy mood down the left wing. Xhaka pulls his shirt and this will be another free kick down the left. This is only 30 yards from goal, and Argentina should be able to whip a dangerous ball into the Swiss area. But they don't, Lavezzi's ball easily headed clear by Djourou.
8 min: Mehmedi goes on a little wander down the left, nipping the ball past Garay and nearly beating Zabaleta by the byline. Shaqiri gets involved to win a corner, from which Inler takes a whack from 20 yards down the inside-left channel. It's miles over the bar, but Argentina gave the Swiss a lot of time and space there, and didn't look particularly solid at the back either. Promising stuff from Switzerland.
6 min: Di Maria is stopped while in full flight down the left. The challenge is not in full accordance with the game's laws. The free kick's lifted rather witlessly into the Swiss box, and easily mopped up. We're six minute in, but this game is yet to begin. "You should really post a picture of a Swiss legend to balance out the snap of Batigol," writes Hugh Collins. "Maybe Ramon Vega?" Bah. Too late. Refresh the page and there's a non-technicolour snap of 1954 hat-trick hero Josef Hugi down there now. Of course, if you'd emailed with your suggestion a bit earlier*, I'd have been only too happy to help.
3 min: A throw to Argentina deep down the left wing, near the Swiss corner flag. Higuain picks up possession near the byline and loops a cross into the middle, but there are no blue-and-white shirts WITH UNACCEPTABLE WHITE SHORTS around. Switzerland hoick clear. A quiet start to this game, all told.
And we're off! Argentina get the ball rolling. One hell of an atmosphere. The favourites stroke it around the back awhile. Zabaleta looks to free Lavezzi down the left, but Mehmedi isn't having it. Throw to Argentina. Then more passing around at the back. Nearly two minutes gone, and Switzerland not given a sniff of the ball yet.
The teams are out! Argentina in their lovely blue-and-white shirts, and tradition-jiggering white shorts which are NOT OK. Look at the picture of Batistuta in this preamable, and think on, Adidas, Fifa, the AFA, or whoever's at fault for this sartorial disgrace. Perhaps all of them. Clowns! Cultural vandals! The Swiss meanwhile are in their red garb. All very nice. Then to the national anthems! First up, the Swiss Psalm. People like to say it. People like to say salsa Swiss Psalm.
Argentina's meanwhile is as grand as ever, apart from the bit which threatens to break into the theme from Van der Valk.
Meantime, seeing we're having a nice interesting chat I'm tediously banging on about sartorial elegance, here's a welcome email from Dan Rookwood. Readers over the age of 88 who aren't now in the home may remember the days of Guardian Unlimited, when Dan was of this parish. He's since swanned off to New York - will you look at this - to do something in fashion I don't understand on account of my being a scruffy, simple fool. "I’d just like to subtly point out that, were this World Cup to be decided on style as opposed to football, Argentina would have crashed out in the group stages and today would mark the end of the road for Switzerland,” clangs our erstwhile minute-by-minute pal turned Mr Porter gadabout. "And England, Spain and Italy would still be in it. Now if Gabriel Batistuta was still playing in the most beautiful kit in the history of All Football, he’d win the World Cup of Style on his own." I'm miles out of my comfort zone here. Where's Hadley Freeman when you need her?
Lionel Messi, then. With his goals against Bosnia-Herzegovina, Iran and Nigeria, the wee man is three-sevenths of the way to joining an elite band of players to have scored in every game of the World Cup finals. Only four players have pulled off this trick so far: György Sárosi of Hungary in 1938, Alcides Ghiggia of Uruguay in 1950, Just Fontaine of France in 1958, and Jairzinho in 1970. You can rank them according to preference, with the free and bold use of caveats and asterisks. Only Ghiggia and Jairzinho won the trophy as a result, but the former only played in four games while the latter ploughed through six. Sárosi was a losing finalist. Fontaine didn't even play in the final, but you can't play in both the final and the third/fourth final, so he did what he could. Messi will top them all if he keeps up his scoring habit and leads Argentina to the trophy, for there are seven games to play nowadays. Can he make it four from four (equalling the feat of Colombian winger James Rodriguez, who is on a similar mission right now)? Let's see!
Thanks to everyone who noticed that this game doesn't kick off at 5pm Buenos Aires time, as originally stated. "Is that Buenos Aires, Swindon?" asks OM. "They do a great asado, chimichurri and chips there." Yep. Take the 13th exit off the Magic Roundabout for the Río de la Plata.
Argentina haven't won a major trophy since they lifted the Copa America in 1993. Supporters of the England football team, starved of success for 48 years, may be inclined to instruct Argentinian fans to cry them a river as long and wide and deep as the Paraná. But fair's fair: Argentina are a serious football nation, and actually should be winning stuff. That 21-year wait is way too long for la Albiceleste; it's about that time. But you sense they've been waiting for a reason: the unearthing of a new hero to fill El Diego's boots. Well, it's beginning to look like they've found one. Lionel Messi's achieved just about everything in football bar making a serious impression on the biggest tournament of all. Now it appears he's ready to make that mark. He glides in from the right against Bosnia and Herzegovina and BOOM! He drops a shoulder in the last-minute of a struggle with Iran, looks for the top corner, then BOOM! He wanders onto the field in that insouciant way of his and sees off a spirited Nigeria with a DOUBLE BOOM! Three matches down, four to go, and he'll be safe and snug in the pantheon alongside Maradona, Mario Kempes and Antonio Rattin (who admittedly wasn't the star of an Argentinian World Cup winning team, but he made his mark, you have to say he made his mark).
Gabriel Batistuta at the 1993 Copa America, wearing the most beautiful kit in the history of All Football. Black shorts, you see. Photograph: Shaun Botterill/Getty Images
Argentina 2014 certainly need Messi. They've not been particularly impressive otherwise, Angel Di Maria and Marcos Rojo apart. Three slightly stuttering performances will give Switzerland succour, though having said that, the Swiss haven't been particularly brilliant themselves. They could quite easily have lost a game they snatched at the death against Ecuador. They were obliterated by France. And while they did run out comfortable winners against Honduras, the Hondurans were a disgraceful rabble, and in any case it was one man doing all the work, hat-trick hero Xherdan Shaqiri their own crack-papering Messi. BOOM BOOM BOOM!
Josef Hugi, the only Swiss player other than Xherdan Shaqiri to score a hat-trick at the World Cup finals. He did this in 1954, in Switzerland's 7-5 quarter-final defeat to Austria Photograph: STAFF/AFP/Getty Images
Pull back to look at the bigger picture, though, and the Swiss can claim to be form horses. That capitulation to France - which can in part be explained away by Steve von Bergen getting his nose hoofed clean off his face, forcing Ottmar Hitzfeld to fling the hapless Philippe Senderos into the fray - was their first competitive defeat since losing a Euro 2012 qualifier in Wales nearly three years ago. And they've won four of their last five matches, a record not to be sniffed at. Goals are sometimes a problem if Shaqiri isn't on form, but Josip Drmić is a prospect and Granit Xhaka looks busy and troublesome. Argentina will not have this all their own way.
Two teams threatening to click into gear, then, having not quite managed it yet. It's probably a good time to manage it. We could have quite a match on our hands if they both find their groove this afternoon. And even if they don't, Lionel Messi versus Xherdan Shaqiri is not a bad consolation battle. It's on!
Kick off: 1pm at Arena Corinthians in São Paulo, 5pm in London, 1pm in Buenos Aires, 6pm in Bern.
