When he is not being fêted as a footballing superbrain, capable of making substitutions and occasionally changing the formation of his side when things aren’t going well, Louis van Gaal is also busy dismantling the reputation of his Manchester United predecessor David Moyes before he has even parked his club car in his club parking space. Last summer, Moyes spent time convincing Nani to stay at the club then watched on with horror as what unfolded. Van Gaal, however, has told the forward he can do one at his earliest convenience – especially if he does one to Juventus and sends Arturo Vidal in the opposite direction.
After signing the 2011 and 2012 Under-17 European Championship-winning coach Albert Stuivenberg to develop Manchester United’s youth structure, Van Gaal’s next trick will be to attempt to bring Mats Hummels into the Old Trafford back four. He will finish things off by walking on water and turning water into wine.
Liverpool are busy spending with the giddy abandon of a club who suspect they may have cash to burn imminently. They’ve thumped £25m down on Benfica’s table and won’t go home until they’ve got Lazar Markovic tucked under their arm. They’ve also been busy getting inside the head of Southampton defender Dejan Lovren, but their lusty pursuit of the Luis Suárez replacement-shaped Alexis Sánchez has hit a snag since Arsenal – who, with luck, have offered Barcelona just £1 more than Liverpool – want in on the act.
Whether or not they pull of the signing, Arsenal will also fire up a defibrillator, shout “clear!”, then attempt to resurrect their deal for the Bayer Leverkusen midfielder Lars Bender. Joining him could be Newcastle’s Mathieu Debuchy, who has been gadding about Brazil offering reporters subtle hints like “Yes, I will be joining Arsenal”.
Romelu Lukaku has taken one look at the arrival of Diego Costa and – much like last season when he found himself further down the pecking order than a geriatric, a barn door-banjo avoidance engineer and Fernando Torres – reckons he has some thinking to do about his Chelsea future. Everton would welcome him back, but possibly not for the £20m-odd José Mourinho might like. Meanwhile the agent of his former Chelsea team-mate, Ashley Cole, has piped up the defender will be heading “abroad” which, Fleet Street’s finest have decided, means Roma.
Elsewhere, Southampton like the cut of Cardiff goalkeeper David Marshall’s jib, while West Brom are crouching behind a potted plant, poised to pounce on Burnley’s Chris Baird.