6 Tips To Resolve A Fight With Your Husband
When we envision the perfect married couple, we might conjure up images of a couple that’s always on the same page, perfectly in love, always utterly delighted by the other’s presence — we think of a couple that never fights.
But the reality is that every married couple in history has had their fair share of disagreements, their times of conflict, their seasons of strife. Experts have actually found that the healthiest couples do fight — they just learn how to do it well.
To be in relationship with another imperfect human being means we’ll be faced with challenges, difficult personalities, or misunderstandings. This also means that it’s imperative, if we hope to cultivate a healthy, respectful, stable marriage, that we learn how to resolve these inevitable arguments and move forward.
And yet, many of us never really learned how to patch things up after a dispute; sweeping things under the rug is a common occurrence, making for a marriage that breeds resentment and insecurity as we try to ignore the remnants of a fight unsettled.
So how do we go about resolving an argument with our spouse?
01 | Respect each other’s needs in the midst of it.
Some of us desperately need a cooling-off period to gather our thoughts and understand our feelings; others long to talk it out right then and there without taking a moment to breathe.
If we need some space, we have a right to take it — but we also need to let our spouse know we’re being cognizant of their needs: “I need to take 10 minutes to myself to cool down. Can we talk about this after?” or conversely, if we’re the ones that want to keep communicating, “I can understand why you need some space, but it would mean a lot to me to continue working this out. Can we reconvene in 15 minutes?”
02 | Use the cooling-off period well.
It’s tempting to use our breathing period to sit and stew, replaying all the ways we feel wronged and hurt by our spouse. But this just makes us even angrier and allows us to justify our own hurtful behavior, and far less likely to desire to resolve anything.
If we take a cooling-off period, we have to choose to use it thoughtfully, in the direction of restoration. We need to take this time to consider how we contributed to the fight, what we could’ve done differently, and what our spouse is hoping to hear from us when we come together, posturing ourselves to make peace.
Along with this, we can explore what exactly made us upset; did we feel disrespected by something they said? Did we feel like they were misinterpreting our intentions? Did we feel like they were trying to hurt our feelings? Knowing exactly what we’re hurt by will help us express to our spouse what we need from them.
03 | Validate his side of things.
Our knee-jerk reaction, when faced with conflict, is to explain our side of things and convince the other person we aren’t the bad guy in this situation. We desire to be heard and validated before owning up to anything or hearing anyone else out.
What would be really meaningful to our spouse, the person on the other side of this argument, is to feel validated by us before we try to explain anything: “When I criticized your driving, it must’ve made you feel incompetent. That wasn’t fair of me.” Make a point of helping him feel understood.
We can also invite him to share what was upsetting him, and actively listen as he voices his grievances without jumping in and trying to defend anything.
04 | Let him know what you feel.
We’ll only be able to move past an argument if we feel heard and free to communicate what bothered us — otherwise, our spouse is bound to make the same mistake and our bitterness will only grow.
And yet, we can’t expect him to read our mind; we can let him know what set us off without getting accusatory and choosing to assume the best intentions: “I felt hurt when you said that. I know this probably wasn’t your intention, but it made me feel stupid.”
05 | Say sorry when you mean it.
When we’ve wronged someone, offering them an apology is one of the most constructive things we can do when we’re hoping to repair things — but we also have to truly mean it when we say we’re sorry. There are few things worse for a relationship than a disingenuous, sarcastic apology.
If there’s something we need to apologize for, be clear about exactly what it is before saying sorry: “I really sorry I made you feel insecure by putting down your favorite movie. That was unkind of me.”
06 | Choose to forgive.
The other side of offering someone an apology is forgiving them — something that often feels unnatural to us, and even unfair. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily something we’ll feel, but more often something we’ll choose to do, which makes it all the more difficult.
Ultimately, the well-being of our relationship has to become more important to us than holding a grudge. Without forgiveness, an argument will never really be settled, though — whatever ill feelings this particular tiff focused on will arise once again and multiply, like a pile of dirty dishes that just continues to get bigger and more unsightly.
If our husband is the one apologizing, let him know we’ve heard his apology: “I appreciate you saying that. It really means a lot. I love you and forgive you.”