Sweat My Squad: Sanchez meets Sergio, Gomis meets Costa, Master Meets Apprentice (Gameweek 22)

Jermain’s back, and so are we!

Unfazed by going another week without Alexis Sanchez, Chubby Alonso hopes you’ll sweat it out with him again. Chubby Alonso keeps the faith with his current crop and by doing so has been forced to make a few bold decisions, none more so than starting Gylfi Sigurdsson and Moussa Sissoko ahead of Branislav Ivanovic and Charlie Austin. Andy Carroll and Winston Reid will be certainly shown the door after this week, so here’s to hoping for the perfect adieu from the big pair. Let’s have a look at some of Chubby’s choices, as well as some other players he might have the eyes for…

Brad Guzan (Aston Villa v Liverpool)

I’ve decided to stick with Brad this week primarily because I’m saving up my transfers, and also because I’m expecting goals aplenty everywhere else this weekend. But my bet remains an educated one: Villa have been poor but remain hard to beat at home, conceding just three goals in their last five home games, including 1-1 draws with Southampton and a then-rampant Manchester United. Liverpool should and will dominate possession and will welcome the returning Raheem Sterling, which might spell a reduced role for either Coutinho or Markovic, two players who were excellent last week. Yet in Sterling, Liverpool also has a player with a goal per shot ratio of 8%, a stat that primes Brad Guzan to make a healthy handful of saves, or dare I say, a shut out.

Winston Reid/Andy Carroll (West Ham United v Hull City)

There may be some tired legs after West Ham’s lengthy midweek duelwith Everton, so Big Sam will be happy to know that it’s a rather rudderless Hull side he’ll come up against tomorrow. Hull City have failed to score in 5 of their last 7 matches and will enter this game without Nikica Jelavic and Abel Hernandez, both of them pulling up injured in last weekend’s loss. If their midfield can withhold the tiny threat of Tom Ince, the in-demand Winston Reid should have a rather peaceful time at the back and might instead focus his efforts up front, joining forces with Andy Carroll at set pieces to rack up a morale-boosting win before The Hammers hit the rough road. They play Liverpool, Manchester United, Southampton and Spurs in their next four games, so nothing less than three points will do for Big Sam.

Kieran Trippier (Burnley v Crystal Palace)

At the start of the season, one might have looked at the fixture list and struck this one off as a bore nil-nil. Yet six months down the road and we have a duel between two teams who will go at each other. Burnley are finding their feet and the net, playing like conscientious collective that won them promotion, and can reliably rely on Danny Ings, Ashley Barnes and even Sam Vokes to get in amongst the goals. Crystal Palace are hoping to catch the same wind Burnley has with their atmospheric win over Spurs and have now picked up a Yaya Sanogo to add to their collection of half-decent strikers. While this gives them proper options up front, Palace only kick-started into life against Spurs when the orthodox Glenn Murray was replaced by Wilfried Zaha, effectively operating a strikerless system that created chaos in attack. If Padrew sticks with a conservative Plan A and leaves Zaha on the bench, Burnley – and Kieran Trippier – might just get away with it; otherwise, I’d expect this to be quite a shootout.

Leighton Baines (Everton v West Brom)
With eyes on Kevin Mirallas

The last time Martinez’ Everton faced a Tony Pulis team at Goodison Park, they found themselves muted out of the game by a well-drilled and hard working Palace side. Everton at that point were at their Martinez-best, making the result doubly surprising; this time though they are escaping from a long slump and should emerge with some hard lessons learnt. Everton’s futile FA Cup exertions in midweek – playing nearly 90 minutes with just ten men – means they will have to draw on their reserves to grind out a result here, though the Monday evening fixture fortuitously gives them slightly more time to catch their breaths. Martinez should refrain from making many changes, but I would be surprised though if the eager Kevin Mirallas wasn’t granted a start, and equally surprised if he’s not amongst the goals. If Muhamed Besic operates as efficiently as he did against Manchester City last week and tames the tempermental Sessegnon, Leighton Baines and Co. should be home and dry on what will be a cold, snowy day.

Moussa Sissoko (Newcastle United v Southampton)

Southampton come into this game as the favourites but Newcastle are an unusual side to play against, as seen in last week’s game of two halves. Remy Cabella also had his own two halves of sorts, looking lively in the first against a Chelsea defence visibly caught off-guard, but tame in the second after some Mourinho-wisening up. He’s on a quest to prove that he’s more than a flash in a pan though, and will have to do so against Southampton’s excellent set of fullbacks. The instrumental Moussa Sissoko hit the post last week and has the slightly easier task in the middle – Victory Wanyama’s hamstring-ing against Ipswich means he partners Morgan Schneiderlin on the injury table. Southampton will surely miss their presence in midfield and could surprisingly struggle against a fired-up Newcastle in front of a raucous St. James Park.

Angel Di Maria (QPR v Manchester United)

Angel Di Maria was played as United’s most forward target against Southampton and was accordingly snuffed out by some intelligent defending. Van Gaal will likely mend that by shifting United’s chief attacking impetus further down to run at QPR, especially with regular left-back Yun Suk-Young out injured. Richard Dunne also came under fire at Burnley last weekend and fights an uphill battle against Falcao, who will want to prove a point in Van Persie’s absence. Falcao has shown great work rate and movement whenever played and should also take advantage of QPR’s lacklustre defence. At the other end, Charlie Austin may be good value for a goal at Loftus Road, but with QPR’s full backs pegged back, he will probably find his supply of crosses cut short. In any case, Chris Smalling and Phil Jones have always looked more comfortable dealing with the classic centre-forward than the speedy striker and should be able to deal with the more rudimentary stuff that QPR have put up of late.

Nacer Chadli (Tottenham Hotspurs v Sunderland)
With eyes on Jermain Defoe

It seems like just yesterday that I was sat in White Hart Lane, watching Jermain Defoe making his last lap around the ground after Spurs’ 1-0 win over Everton, fans in full adulation of the last striker to have made a real mark for the club – until Harry Kane that is. Today’s match should be a straight shootout between the returning master and his flourishing apprentice. While Spurs have the stronger supporting cast (not since the opening day have Spurs won a game in which neither Chadli nor Eriksen have contributed), Sunderland have the more resilient and less dramatic defence. Spurs should prevail, even if just, but see if the Lane faithful will begrudge good ol’ Jermain a goal.

Gylfi Sigurdsson / Eden Hazard / Diego Costa (Swansea v Chelsea)

What can be said about this match up? A traditionally tight affair was taken apart in the return fixture when a Diego Costa hat-trick put him on the map and sent Swansea on a five match winless streak. That day marked Bafetimbi Gomis’ first start of the season; he failed to score with any of his five shots at goal and was duly replaced by Wilfried Bony, who within 10 minutes had set up Jonjo Shelvey. The sceptre still looms over Gomis, who hungers for his first goal in the Post-Bony era having seen last week’s header chalked off as an own goal. He’ll be thankful, then, to have Glyfi Sigurdsson playing just behind him. No team is ever guaranteed a clean sheet when up against Sigurdsson (explaining Ivanovic’s place on my bench), but thankfully for the fans the same can be said for Eden Hazard. There will be goals, and I wouldn’t bet against either Diego Costa or Bafetimbi Gomis being amongst them.

Other Punts of Interest:

Bojan Krkic (Leicester City v Stoke City)

Stoke may have looked terribly flat against Arsenal, but that’s probably because they were visibly on their last legs after an incredibly testing set of fixtures that stretched to the start of December. The squad will look to put that to bed and recover some semblance of joy against Leicester. Bojan Krkic, for one, has sometimes flattered and often deceived, but in the next three matches will come up against three of the league’s five worst defences, and will need to start picking up some momentum at the King Power. On form, Leicester may fancy themselves but Stoke are one of those sides against which your best laid plans can fall to the wayside. The teams face each other without Dean Hammond, Esteban Cambiasso and Steven N’Zonzi, who would have been three of the most prolific passers on the pitch, so I would expect the midfield to be bypassed fairly often, and Bojan to profit from this extra time on the ball.

Oliver Giroud (Manchester City v Arsenal)
With eyes on David Silva

Arsenal badly need a win today to prove that their destructive victory over stoke was more than a mere mismatch of talents. Wenger might be secretly confident of a result, and why wouldn’t he? In Alexis Sanchez he has arguably the Premier League’s most feared player, and with Walcott and Ozil waiting in the wings they have quality in depth too. Yet it could be Olivier Giroud to make all the difference at the Etihad. The stylish French forward has been much maligned but remains a terrifically difficult player to mark. With some clever runs and touches he is the closest thing Arsenal have to Dennis Bergkamp and probably their best chance of unlocking a well organised defence. He might not get in amongst the goals all the time, but his mere presence up front releases Sanchez and Chamberlain to run at the defence; it is telling that Sanchez’ mini-drought against West Ham and Southampton coincided with Giroud’s absence altogether.

But of course to have a chance of winning, Arsenal must first stop Manchester City’s mechanically powerful attack – a job that falls on the shoulders of a young Francis Coquelin. He will know that he can spare Mertesacker’s blushes by cutting off the supply to Aguero; the better he does this and the more David Silva is marked out of the game, the greater Arsenal’s chance of snatching their first victory at the Etihad since a certain Samir Nasri scored and set up another back in 2010.

The Friday Burrito: Goals, Balls and Golden Balls

The Friday Burrito

If you enjoyed Chubby Alonso’s Friday Burrito mix last week, you might appreciate this week’s too. This week’s wrap may be a little less spicy, but it more than makes up for it with an unhealthy amount of stardust.

Here’s Chubby Alonso’s recipe for the week:

1. FA Cup Replays

Calls for the abolition of the FA Cup replay may mean that this rather archaic practice will soon be no more, but until then let us indulge in them. The six mid-week cup replays have served up a host of goals: 25 goals (8 more than last weekend’s premier league fixtures) and 29 penalty kicks. Wolves and Fulham may have put up a 3-3 thriller on a snowcapped evening that made for some beautiful photo-memories, but the game on the night was undoubtedly at Upton Park. A match that had everything – an early red card (for Aiden McGeady), a fight back, even a Carlton Cole goal – ended with a goalkeeper scoring the winning penalty. The Premier League moneybags may scoff at replays, but nights like these show what a joy they can be for the fans – and surely that’s all that matters?

2. A Meaty Bony

The Wilfried Bony deal was quick, painless and good for all parties. No duplicity, no fuss; Garry Monk may have been openly resigned to losing one of his best players but showed the strength to resist a lower fee, and the optimism to push forward regardless. This means that Bony is now the most expensive African player, and has suddenly found himself in a club where he stands a realistic chance of ending the season with his first trophy in a big European league. For City they’ve got themselves a hefty (literally) Plan B in the Premier League’s top scorer in 2014 (20 goals) to go along with Aguero and Toure – second and third top scorers respectively – but also a bunch of other problems. Question marks remain over where he’ll fit in when Aguero is healthy, especially when both Bony and City have recently thrived in a lone striker system. The same question marks loom even more precariously over some players in the squad who have found themselves increasingly pushed to the fringes. Due to UEFA restrictions, Pellegrini will have to drop a foreign player from his European squad, making the next few weeks a pretty uneasy one for Jovetic, Dzeko or perhaps even both.

3. Mr. World

In football’s very own version of the famous popularity contest, Cristiano Ronaldo is Mr. World 2014. Cristiano himself, of course, affectionately thinks of himself as the world, and few had any doubts he was going to win the Ballon d’Or. Real Madrid won La Decima, Messi endured a trophyless season, Ronaldo scored lots and lots of goals. Of course he’s worked hard for that, and few will ever begrudge every honour given to the man. I, for one, think that Ronaldo is the better player. Messi may be the more aesthetically pleasing footballer, but Ronaldo is a manager’s dream – no matter how poorly set up the team is, no matter the formation or the supporting cast, he’s got the capacity and the grit to do what you’d want him to do for you, and more. In celebration, Nike gifted him a pair of diamond-encrusted ‘Mercurial CR7 Rare Gold’ boots, because there’s no better time to be a sponsor of the world’s most popular footballer.

4. Empty Hands

Perhaps the more deserved (and less mundane) story of Monday night’s event is that of those who didn’t win. Stephanie Roche will have enjoyed a special night out but she must still feel disappointed to return to her£650-a-month job at newly-promoted ASPTT Albi without the Puskas award. The trophy will instead find its place as one of surely many more on the mantlepiece of Real Madrid’s James Rodriguez, whose goal was fantastic, but hardly better. This was a terrific chance to divorce celebrity from the choice but it was star-power that won the day again, just as Zlatan’s did last time round.

Star-power was also the rule in FIFPro’s World XI, which featured two members of Brazil’s disappointing World Cup campaign and a key member of a Barcelona and Spanish team, two sides that in 2014 defined the word ‘defeated’. The inclusion of David Luiz, participant in that 7-1 defeat was particularly surprising, given that he only occasionally featured for Chelsea that season, and has had a rather vanilla start with a PSG side currently 4th in a weak Ligue Un. Diego Godin, on the other hand, may have scored in the Champions League final, scored the goal that took Uruguay out of the group stages in the World Cup, and won La Liga with Atletico Madrid, but he couldn’t even make the ‘Reserve XI’. I don’t think anyone will be taking these lists too seriously

5. Return of The Kid

Real Madrid may have the best squad in the world but the treble is officially beyond them this season. Before kick off they flaunted Cristiano Ronaldo (in abovementioned diamond boots), James Rodriguez, Toni Kroos and Sergio Ramos with their shiny new trophies from Monday night, but it was a Fernando Torres, once breaker of Barca hearts, who would send not one, but two pins flying towards Real’s brimming bubble. These were El Nino’s first goals in a Madrid derby, having failed to score in 10 attempts during his first spell, and they had come quick and fast: 49 seconds within the start of the first half and then 35 seconds within the second. Indeed, but for his goals Real may have cruised to an unlikely comeback victory over a stubborn Simeone side that sat far too deep for their own good. Real Madrid was hardly at their worst, but Sergio Ramos was certainly at his calamitous best; he may have scored, but goals don’t make games. Torres will do well to bear that in mind – he has come away as the day’s official hero but apart from his two smart finishes he had little else to show for his efforts and was later taken off for Arda Turan, who looked much more clever and assured with the ball. The prodigal son may be home, but there’s a long road yet to redemption.

And because I’ve been good this week, a bonus dessert:
6. A Bag of Crisps

David Moyes was sent to the stands as Real Sociedad went out of the Copa Del Rey but he preserved his dignity with some expert technique to scale the barriers, and then by enjoying a crisp and a laugh with the fans in the stands. Oh and the nuts he turned down? A bag of Mister Crisps, which sources say can get pretty nasty….making David Moyes a man with some pretty fine taste.

I Spy: The Next Ronaldo (And He’s Looking A Bit Brazilian)

I Spy

On the morning of the 13th January, Sebastião Tomé Gomes sent his white Fiat crashing through the streets of Santa Maria in Brazil, killing his ‘love rival’ on a runaway motorcycle, as well as a woman who was sound asleep when the two vehicles came crashing through her walls. The headlines were soon quick to point out that this man was none other than the father of a certain Felipe Anderson, a footballer, no less – the new darling of Lazio.

It was slightly fortuitous timing then that it was merely hours before that a more famous footballer had walked up some steps, nabbed a golden ball, and walked off with it. Cristiano Ronaldo would have been glad to take the spotlight away from Felipe Anderson: the Ballon d’Or winner must have his day; Anderson must be relieved to have this little bit of respite, at least.

Yet the forcefulness with which these headlines had hit the media – more so than the death itself of another young talent Junior Malanda – has shown how Anderson’s celebrity stock is on the rise. This is a man who had started 2015 better than anyone else: on his first game of the new year he put in an astonishing performance against Sampdoria, literally plating up goals for Marco Parolo and Filip Djordjevic while himself scoring from the finest and firmest of strikes (see from 0:44 of the video). Still, the highlight of the match came after that when Sampdoria’s manager Sinisa Mihajlovic proclaimed that he “looked like Cristiano Ronaldo”, magic words that would send every decent journalist flurrying after their pen. This was high praise of course coming from Mihajlovic, himself a Lazio legend and a key cog in The Eagles’ last great title winning side 15 years ago.

The Next Ronaldo

What struck me about Mihajlovic’s words were not merely the truth in the statement, but also the rarity of it, especially at the highest level. Titles such as the ‘Next Pele‘ or the ‘Next Maradona’ or the ‘Next Messi’ are bandied about rather flagrantly, but the ‘Next Ronaldo’ appears to be something else altogether. Because Ronaldo is not so much that elegant, graceful dribbler who attacks with a real finesse – the sort you’ll see bullying poor kids in a hopeful demo-tape. Nor is he that cheeky, extravagant – almost obnoxious – player that for a short while gave Nani the mantle of being Ronaldo’s replacement at Old Trafford.

Because Ronaldo is football’s alpha male, the sort that exists only at the highest professional level: a complete player who is both fast and powerful, technically perfect, direct and confident. For a while Gareth Bale came close, but now that the two are put side-by-side, few have since dared openly suggested this parallel. It remains that Ronaldo himself is a freak mismatch of gift and guile, dedication and desire, and that the ‘Next Ronaldo’ is better found not in a particular type of player, but in a phenomenon – yes the very word used to describe the original Brazilian prototype.

Enter Felipe Anderson, football’s latest sensation. It may be pre-mature to be making a call at this juncture, but where is the fun in dealing with a known entity? Anderson is my firm candidate to follow in the Ballon d’Or winner’s footsteps as a phenom ready to take the football world by storm.

It may be early days yet, but the now infamous stat line of 5 goals and 5 assists in his past 5 games may seem too good to continue until you actually watch this kid. Among his best attributes are his speed (rated as the fastest in Serie A), skill and ball control – just imagine the velocity of Bale that springs him past defenders, coupled with Hazard’s turn of pace that can send him on mazy measured runs that are near impossible to halt. Add in a touch of Iniesta’s inventiveness and we might be dealing with something really special here:

More than anything I appreciate the little things: his youthful approach to attack – more direct, less patient, yet also his maturity to constantly look out for his teammates’ runs, even while on the fly. Indeed he appears poised, composed, and fairly grown up for a 21 year old. Then again he has had his fair share of growing: this is Anderson’s second season in Serie A – meaning he’s already been through worst bit – and if he can avoid the sophomore slump, he’s just got clear skies ahead.

But there is also a lot of growing in him left: this season is also his first under Stefano Pioli, who appears to have created a system that gives Felipe Anderson real freedom going forward, perhaps the same sort of mandate Ferguson gave to Ronaldo when he set him loose against Bolton that autumn day in 2003. The 35 year old captain Stefano Mauri also appears to have taken the kid under his wise wings, maybe in the same way that Ryan Giggs might have done to CR7. Lazio might not be able to hold on to him for long, but it does seems like he’s found himself a good place to call home for now.

Or the Next Neymar?

Along with Cristiano Ronaldo, Felipe Anderson recognises Neymar as a player who inspires him (of all things for his “spectacular movement without the ball”). These are strange yet humbling words coming from someone merely a year Neymar’s junior, someone who while at Santos must have at some point fancied himself to be no less than Neymar. Still, Felipe Anderson looks up and recognises how far he has come, yet also how far he has left to go. The boy who was from his kindergarten class invited by businessman Rafael Felix to train with Coritiba covets playing for Barcelona one day, perhaps lining up alongside Neymar once again.

The last time that happened, Santos were Copa Libertadores champions, their first since 1963 when a certain Pele led them to cup glory. Now that Neymar has achieved what many other ‘Next Pele’s before couldn’t for Santos, could Felipe Anderson perhaps achieve what no other ‘Next Ronaldos can? One will hope that the kid has the hunger to do so, just as Cristiano himself did, and still does to this day.

Kicking The Blues: Everything You Need To Know From The Weekend (Starring: European Capital Cities)

Kicking The Blues

Legend has it that it is football, not laughter, that is the best medicine. So what batter way to kill the monday blues than with a dose of it? Having woken up rather heavily after last night’s manic bout of football, Chubby Alonso rounds up all that is worth knowing about the weekend’s action.

Is this the real life, or is this just a Fantasy Review?

For all those who sweat my squad or took my tips, thank you, apologies, and you are welcome, depending on which way you flew. Things didn’t go too badly this week, with the Premiership delivering few surprises, but that’s barely good enough…here’s some learning points:

My Rights

Leighton Baines, and Everton, look a good bet. They ended the game well and will look to bring that over to the next game. Baines and Coleman both looked busy, and the team played to Lukaku’s strength and pace by releasing him quickly time and again. Martinez appears to have taken his players’ constructive feedback well and it showed against City where they looked good playing direct football on the counter. Silva was predictably influential and the pairing of Fernando and Fernandinho was tidy, but neither were able to be a real ‘Toure’ de Force going forward. Sergio Aguero will have to shake off that rust, and quick.

For big parts of the game, Swansea looked incapable of handling Andy Carroll, summed up in the sight of the five Swans surrounding him, blurry as he coaxed a quite wonderful shot into the net. Similarly, his opposite number Bafetimbi Gomis looked like a raging bull at times and dispatched his header with much aplomb. No surprises then that the goal came as a direct result of another set piece from Gylfi Sigurdsson– he lives to deliver.

Charlie Austin proved that the bigger risk was indeed leaving him out of the fantasy side. This game told the typical story of QPR’s offensive prowess: Adel Taarabt started and finished the 90 mins forgettably; Charlie Austin scores his 13th league goal – 57% of QPR’s total haul. Kieran Trippier also continued to impress, him and Ben Mee putting in good shifts on the flanks in support of Scott Arfield and Georgie Boyd – both were awarded a bonus point for their efforts. Coming from under the radar, Burnley are slowly but surely picking up rhythm, and the team’s growing confidence was evident in Arfield’s superb solo goal, fuelling Sean Dyche’s mild jibe that the same goal scored by Alexis Sanchez would have been showed a hundred times over the weekend. Sanchez would then score an identical goal a day later to really put that theory to the test (validated!).

Gareth McAuley put in the sort of performance Tony Pulis would ask of his centrebacks and was duly recognised with a bonus point. Both teams were otherwise poor going forward and West Brom were lucky to score. They may not always look good value for a win, but under Pulis they should look increasingly hard to beat.

Newcastle may have ruffled some real feathers in the first half against Chelsea but at the final whistle it was Mourinho’s men emerging with the win – 2-0 becoming an annoyingly familiar scoreline. At the very highest level it’s about the chances you take, not the ones you make: Cabella was enterprising with little end product and unless he develops a deadly dimension to his game, will surely be found out soon enough. Diego Costa on the other hand has proved to be merciless on a day that Eden Hazard spared himself of taking any shots. Branislav Ivanovic was brave at the back and instrumental in stealing the impetus from Newcastle – his combination with Willian from the corner set up Oscar’s opener while Tim Krul had his back turned and Newcastle, for one fatal moment, had their lights off.

Angel Di Maria would have been disappointed to be taken off against Southampton. He was lively going forward when United were at their direct best, and looked desperate to make something happen. If he keeps getting behind defences like he endeavoured to yesterday he will surely explode into life against less organised sides. Southampton were as tidy and efficient as they come; they may not have threatened too much but the point was that neither did United – their midfield largely nullified the Red Devils and put in the ‘perfect away performance’ that will leave Gary Neville purring.

Philippe Coutinho was a buzzing presence for Liverpool, taking on players, having a go at goal. Still, his star was overshadowed by the bright Lazar Markovic, who sorely needs a good run of games to keep producing. It will be interesting to see who survives the return of Sterling and Sturridge, but until then, Brendan Rodgers will find it hard to drop the confident Coutinho.

My Revelations

Leicester City look foxy again, but so did they when they beat Manchester United, before going without a win in their next 13 games. At least David Nugent seems motivated this time. Last season’s top scorer was unlucky to strike the crossbar with another magnificent effort and his energy could be infectious as Leicester seek to go on another run. Villa, on the other hand, look like a team short of ideas, and Paul Lambert like a man out of time.

In a post-match interview Alan Pardew proclaimed that he didn’t remember Selhurst Park being this loud when he last played. His appointment is paying dividends faster than expected: with the fans in full voice, Palace turned defeat into victory and the team now look like they believe. The temperamental Jason Puncheon – ever the man for the big occasion – scored the emphatic winner after some lovely skill from the substitute Zaha, his first since August, and his increasingly important role for the team means there is surely more in store.

Nacer Chadli again popped up in good positions and set up Kane’s goal, but without the right balls finding him, had a muted game. Spurs ought not worry too much though: this day was one of those that was always going to be Pardew’s.

Theo Walcott should have scored but looks far from a real come back. Alexis’ Sanchez’s predictably persistent brilliance means he should not be rushed back. Yet it is hard to make any real inferences about the Arsenal team from this game. They were always going to win, never looked troubled, and Mark Hughes is a man running out of ideas. Sparky needs a spark, and the frustrating Arnautovic is not it.

Elsewhere in Europe

Paris come together, but also fall apart. On a day when the world had their eyes on Paris, PSG took theirs off the ball. Having raced into a two-goal lead against struggling Bastia they left the island on the losing side, the first time Blanc’s PSG side had conceded four goals. The decisive third by Julian Palmieri was a sumptuous Scholes-esque first time volley, that – echoing Sean Dyche’s sentiments – if scored by the master himself would have be talked about for a while to come.

Just as they did with Jesus’ garments, the Romans shared the spoils on a weekend possibly symbolic of Serie A’s second coming. Traditionally renown for dull defensive performances, the Italian league is enjoying a sort of Indian summer. This weekend’s glut of goals is the latest harvest from some supreme finishing and atypically bad defending: Serie A’s 34 goals scored doubling the Premier League’s miserly provision of 17.

Florence may have served up 7 goals but the game of the weekend comes from none other than the capital city itself, and finally for all the right reasons. In a game of two halves, Lazio were electrifying in the first. Spearheaded by the inspirational Felipe Anderson, who now has 5 goals and 5 assists in his last 5 games, their attacks were too pacey and too plentiful for Roma to handle. But Roma roared back in the second, the 38 year old Totti scoring his record 10th league Derby goal and celebrated the occasion by taking a #selfie. Still, the big winners on Super Sunday were in Turin as Juventus opened up a three point lead after an ambling win in Naples; Pogba and Vidal again each with a sensational strike to put some undeserved gloss on an otherwise uninspired performance.

Madrid was less chipper. Real Madrid won comfortably but the fans once again found something to be disgruntled about. For the second time this year they have picked on Gareth Bale for not realising that a Real rout isn’t a rout ’til Ronaldo scores. Such was the vociferousness of the blame levelled at the Welshman for shooting rather than passing to Ronaldo (Cristiano himself would have done no differently) that Carlo Ancelotti thought it appropriate to publicly fend off accusations of selfish play.

A day later their cross-town neighbours were taken apart by a team they might have to face twice more this month. Where Ronaldo failed, all of Barcelona’s front three succeeded, each scoring in a picture perfect win; to throw salt at wounds, Messi even did what Bale didn’t – feeding the pass to Suarez to register his 100th La Liga assist. Unlike his midweek gambles, Simeone’s one rotation backfired – Jesus Gamez was time and again schooled by Messi, who started on the right of a front three, often dropped deep, and suckered defenders out with great glee.

RIP Junior Malanda

The German winter break has seen teams jetting off in search of warmer climes, so the sheer silence on the football front has amplified the loud thud of Wolfsburg’s fallen young midfielder. Junior Malanda is a Belgian under-21 international who has been a regular fixture in Wolfsburg’s prospering midfield, even if he has been better known for his two blinding misses this season. On Saturday he was a passenger in a car crash, a Volkswagen of all cars – Volkswagen of course being the primary sponsor of VfL Wolfsburg, who play at Volkswagen Arena. Perhaps it is this commentator’s curse gone horribly wrong; regardless, this is a sobering reality that footballers, even the brightest of them, are mere mortals.

Sweat My Squad: The New Preview of the Weekend Wars (Gameweek 21)

Sweat My Squad

Some say that meddling in Fantasy Football is the highest form of making predictions. If done thoroughly, a Fantasy manager is literally putting his money where his mouth is, except without the money, and without the mouth.

Chubby Alonso certainly takes pride in his team selections. He doesn’t just make predictions for the weekend’s fixtures, he lives them through his choices. In Sweat My Squad, Chubby Alonso previews the weekend’s actions by explaining his Fantasy picks. He invites you join him in joy and in agony, and to see how close he comes every week to being a real crystal baller.

Brad Guzan (Leicester City v Aston Villa)

The Aston Villa goalkeeper will walk into the King Power stadium hoping to clock his third clean sheet in a row. While Villa have been notoriously goal-shy this season – having memorably cancelled their Goal of the Month competition in October – Paul Lambert’s ambling side have conceded just 6 goals in their last 10 and come up against a Leicester side without Riyad Mahrez and Jeffrey Schlupp, two players who have been hugely influential in their recent run of form. It remains to be seen if the imminent signing of Andrej Kramaric for a club record fee can spur the inconsistent Leonardo Ulloa on. Otherwise, the Foxes appear to be short of inspiration going forward and ought not trouble an organised Villa defence, unless David Nugent would like to have a say again.

Kieran Trippier/ Charlie Austin (Burnley v QPR)

Paul Dyche’s persistence with the same XI throughout the Christmas period may have backfired, with Jason Shackell and Kevin Long leaving Burnley slightly thin at the back. Yet his side’s successes this season have come less from individual excellence than from a gutsy team effort. Kieran Trippier is a combination of both – his adventurous forays down the right are matched by his discipline at the back – and joins my Fantasy team this week in lieu of a kind set of fixtures over the next four games. There’s a decent chance he’ll come through with a clean sheet today, and you can just tell he’s bursting to match up to last season’s tally of 12 assists. With Ings and Barnes in good form, he just might.

On the flip side, I don’t harbour too high hopes for Charlie Austin, especially with QPR’s curiously miserable away form. But the rot must stop at some point, and in a match that might turn out to be a a bit of a dogfight, the bigger risk would be to rest the battle-born Charlie Austin.

Leighton Baines (Everton v Manchester City)

Despite Everton’s incredible run of bad form, I can’t shake off the expectation that a turn of fortune lurks around the next the corner. With Martinez-esque optimism, we await the return of last year’s Everton – the metronomic version that we all know and love – in the way that the world expects Dortmund to bounce back next week, or the next, or the next. That is also the way I relate to Leighton Baines, a man who Martinez sees as Everton’s Philip Lahm, “or better”. Everton’s best football over the past few seasons has come from them overloading the wings, a play that pivots on the wit of Baines (and Coleman) to make overlapping runs and quick passes. Against City, Baines comes up against Zabaleta – probably the best in the league at doing what Baines does best – and will likely be pegged back. I cling on to the hope that Baines may steal a cheeky goal from a penalty or set piece, but realistically we can expect another David Silva masterclass to calm all nerves over Yaya Toure’s absence.

Branislav Ivanovic/ Eden Hazard/ Diego Costa (Chelsea v Newcastle United)

Newcastle have perennially found a way to trouble Chelsea, but surely not under John Carver, and surely not this time. With the combative Chieck Tiote and the oddly auspicious Papiss Cisse away on AFCON duty, Newcastle are expected to roll over at Stamford Bridge, especially if Janmaat, Coloccini and the industrious Sissoko remain injured. Ivanovic’s clean sheet at the back should be assured, and with 10 of Chelsea’s 44 league goals coming from set pieces, there’s always a chance that he gets in amongst the goals. With his alarmingly good form, especially at home, Hazard is a shoo-in for captaincy and ought to enjoy his day out in the sun, just as much as I will enjoy watching him. I’m still not Costa’s biggest fan, but he’s a perfect fit in Mourinho’s system and today looks to bring that systematic win in which he ought to bag his routine goal.

Gylfi Sigurdsson / Andy Carroll (Swansea City v West Ham United)

The impending loss of Wilfred Bony will have made little difference to Garry Monk’s preparations this month. In Bafetimbi Gomis they have a player not too dissimilar to Bony himself, perhaps with a little less guile and genius, but will now certainly have the determination to make up for it. It is worth noting that both players average roughly a shot every 20 minutes, a stat that comes down to Swansea’s real attacking threats: Sigurdsson and his silky, underrated wingmen. I stand by Sigurdsson’s ability to create, whoever is in front of him; with Routledge and Dyer back to make the runs they do, he won’t be short of options.

Against West Ham though, Swansea face a team almost antithetical to their style of play. This season’s Hammers play with a reliable front two ahead of a narrow midfield set up that relies on a combination of pace, power and invention to release their marauding full-backs. This allow their strike duo to be a classic partnership, rather than a synergy of modern positions. Andy Carroll should benefit from such a system, and as the last of – and probably the best of – the English big men, will be a handful for Swansea’s organised but soft defence. Carroll has been identified by Monk as their main threat and rightly so; Carroll ought to score – not because he is big but because the team, together, are strong. It is a tough match to call, but I would expect goals.

Nacer Chadli (Crystal Palace v Tottenham Hotspur)

Nacer Chadli is a new addition to my Fantasy family, picked ahead of the affable Eriksen, whose goals appeared to me more of a combination of good fortune and great free kicks. Chadli on the other hand seems to have the greater knack for popping up at the right place, which some will say is all you need to be a prolific goalscorer (see: Frank Lampard).

A maturing Tottenham may be the last team Pardew wants to face in his first league game in charge – a team not big enough to get the team fired up, yet not small enough to properly outplay. Fans might point to the loss of Yannick Bolaise as an excuse, but I anticipate that his rising mercury may be approaching a plateau, and the undoubtedly gifted Wilf Zaha can step in as an able replacement. The bigger blow is the absence of captain Mile Jedinak, goalscorer in Australia’s 4-1 win last evening. His powerful partnership with Joe Ledley added steel to the Palace midfield, a foundation of every modern ship that hopes to set sail. This fixture might have come too soon for Pards.

Angel Di Maria (Manchester United v Southampton)

Angel Di Maria will make his first Premier League start in five weeks in a match preambled by the tales of Louis Van Gaal’s frosty relationship with Ronald Koeman and Manchester United’s empty injury table. He will be keen to mark his return: within ten minutes of being introduced at Aston Villa he was quick to seize the ball and launch three ill-advised shots at goal. But that is Di Maria and his confidence in his own ability; he will hope to be the difference in this tricky fixture and should speed off the blocks. If United follows suit and rob Southampton of the chance to set up shop, they’ll be in business, and Old Trafford will be buzzing once again.

Other Punts of Interest:

Philippe Coutinho (Sunderland v Liverpool)

This dull Sunderland side may look to add to the wounds but are unlikely to get very far. Adam Johnson and Conor Wickham will wait in the wings for the odd mistake at the back, but if Coutinho and Sterling can get on the ball often, Liverpool can make it seven home games without a win for the Black Cats. With Lallana out for the month, the little Brazilian has to start finding consistency in producing the kind of magic he knows he is capable of.

Gareth McAuley (West Brom v Hull City)

As shown at Palace last season, Tony Pulis is not a man who needs time to grind results, so his appointment as West Brom ought to see the stock of their defenders rise. Football can be a simple game if you really work at it, and Tony Pulis is famed for putting that fight in his players. Gareth McAuley never shies from one at corners and will fancy himself even at the opposition end. Still, West Brom’s soft underbelly could prove their undoing: without Youssuf Mulumbu, away on international duty, Pulis will need to find a way to reinvigorate the off-colour Claudio Yacob or risk going without a traditional ball-winner in midfield. Hull’s Tom Huddlestone will look to stamp his authority on his return from suspension and West Brom may be the ideal opponents for that.

Theo Walcott (Arsenal v Stoke City)

Perhaps a little pre-mature, but with Walcott (and Wenger) you almost never know. Even in a ten minute cameo he has proven capable of that one incisive breakaway, though the settling of Sanchez, Welbeck and the ever-improving Oxlade-Chamberlain into Arsenal ranks has quietly mitigated the absence of Walcott’s stunning pace. With the busy Santi Carzola also finally finding his Fantasy feet, it will be interesting to see how Wenger fits him and then Ozil back into the fold. When that day comes the biggest problem facing Fantasy managers will arise – which of Arsenal’s assets to hold? Stoke have habitually rolled over at the Emirates and against an Arsenal side who have lost just one of their last 27 at home, look to be the opportune opposition for Theo Walcott to start making his case, even if from the bench.

Presenting Your Weekly Weekday Wrap: The Friday Burrito (9/1/15)

The Friday Burrito

Every Friday, Chubby Alonso likes to sit at his table and lay out a Friday Burrito: a juicy wrap containing five of the most fascinating cuts of news from the past five days, helping him make sense of the week just gone and set the stage for the weekend’s action.

This week’s ingredients include :

1. Steven Gerrard’s parting gift

Just a couple of days after the announcement that Steven Gerrard would leave Liverpool at the season’s end came the odd declaration that the club ‘had their chance and blew it’ with him in summer by not offering him a new contract then. With a bit of professional and respectful spite, he went on to add how the under-fire Brendan Rodgers’ refusal to promise him more playing time made his mind up about everything – a good bit of honesty we like to see from players, but a badge of dishonour that Rodgers could’ve done without right now with his team struggling to find some semblance of form. Put another bullet in that chamber won’t you, Stevie?

2. A Genuine Crisis at Camp Nou

2014 was a big year for Catalonia, with the overwhelming ‘Yes’ vote in the November referendum putting a very real face to secession, but also casting the future of Catalan football in a bit of a limbo. 2015 began and Barcelona still appears hungover: a loss to a David Moyes team, the unceremonious departures of Zubizaretta and Puyol, the sensational Instagram ‘powerplay’ that appears to have divided the Camp Nou into Camp Leo vs Camp Luis, and Josep Bartomeu’s untimely announcement that the Presidential elections would be brought forward to this summer, a year ahead of planned. The transfer embargo imposed on the club suggests that candidates will finally have to campaign based on their plans rather than their purchases, but more importantly it means that the club can no longer rely on a January signing to throw off the caustic stink that surrounds them.

3. The Return of the Kid

While Fernando Torres’ return to the Calderon on Sunday was full of emotion (“one day you will have to explain to me what I’ve done for you to treat me like this.”), his performance in the derby victory was a bit more vanilla, contrary to Simeone’s post-match praise for El Niño. Instead, the real stars of the show were the kids at the back: Lucas Hernandez, 18, and José María Giménez, 19, putting in very assured shifts – the latter scoring the decisive second goal. Real Madrid may be enduring an unhappy start to the new year but this result might spare them the poisoned chalice: the victor over two legs play Barcelona in the Quarter-Finals. For Atletico, this means that by the month’s end they would have battled twice with Real and three more with a wounded Barcelona. Would be a good time for Torres to start repaying his fans.

4. Fancy Feet in Turin

The decline of Italian football over the past decade is such that few would look to Serie A to be entertained. On the odd occasion though, football pulls through to surprise us all with bits of irrepressible flair, reminding us that big fish can still make big splashes even in a shrinking pond. This week’s stunners come from an unlikely source: Juve’s midfield pairing of Vidal and Pogba showed us that there’s more to them than a thunderbastard from distance. On exhibition in the same match was Mauro Icardi, a frustrating young forward with a bottle for the big game: his equaliser was his fifth goal against Juventus in four games. The Italian league may have slowed in attracting the biggest stars, but they appear to have found their place as a comfortable home for troubled talents.

5. Football’s Moral Compass

Campaigners around the world don a yellow ribbon, pledging time and money to help ex-offenders assimilate back in society. Still, the battle rages on in England to keep Ched Evans from doing what he does best. Because footballers are held at a different standard. Because rehabilitation is a principle with limits. Because he has not admitted his guilt – maybe because he may yet be innocent? There is no excuse for abusing one’s celebrity and Ched Evans, with or without a jail sentence, will have learnt that lesson harshly, but talk of victim empowerment has conversely turned both parties into victims of this mania; Oldham Athletic being latest to succumb to the mob rule. This might ruffle some feathers, but I would love to see a club bold enough to let this talented athlete prove that he could still turn out to be the role model everyone had hoped he’d be and give hope to all who have made a wrong turn in life: if a second chance isn’t given, a second chance can’t be taken.

P.S. Marina Hyde has excellently put this case into perspective. Three years in law school has shown how the UK criminal justice system can so clumsy it’s…well, criminal.

Lest We Forget: Genius from the 00’s

Lest We Forget

Nostalgia. The 2000s saw my love for football Cryuff-spin into an obsession: the stickers, the trading cards, cutting out the back pages of newspapers, every highlight show, every new football boot and that Nike ad. Yet harking back at the noughties brings an immediate struggle to recall beyond the Very Greatest: Raul and the original Galácticos, Brazil and their R’s, Argentina’s nimble midfielders, the ‘Class of ’92’, the Invincibles, the little Italian maestros (Del Piero, Zola, Cassano), Jay Jay Okocha… players who have been recognised so consistently throughout their careers you simply don’t forget them. The ones who escape the trophies, accolades, stats and highlight reels inevitably escape my memories. If the pay-per-view phenom that is Dimitar Berbatov happened a decade earlier, I do wonder how much of it would stick with me.

So here’s Chubby Alonso’s efforts at hanging on to the geniuses of yesteryear, recollecting ten of his favourites with that shiny bit of match-winning brilliance in them:

10. Sergio Conceição

In the towering shadows of Luis Figo and Rui Costa is Sergio Conceição, probably the least illustrious of Portugal’s golden trio of attacking midfielders, which isn’t as bad as it sounds. The tenacious winger was no slouch himself and earned his stripes as part of the star-studded Lazio cast of ’98-00. His monumental hat-trick against Germany in Euro 2000 cemented his place in the national side and launched the Germans into a frenzied soul-searching that cumulated in last year’s World Cup victory.

9. Ludovic Giuly

The buzzing Ludovic Giuly was at the heart of everything that has ever been good at Monaco this millennium, popping up with crucial goals as he captained the club to the Champions League final in 2004. He took a step back when he joined the support cast of Ronaldinho’s trophy fantasy, playing and scoring, without ever taking real plaudits as the baton was passed to a certain Lionel Messi in Giuly’s final year at the club. Still, his enduring genius took him on a tour around the top flight for a few more injured-hit years before he grounded himself where he feels most at home.

8. Juninho Paulista

Juninho Paulista may have been a World Cup winner in 2002 but it’s hard to remember his contributions among the headlining performances from Ronaldo, Rivaldo and Ronaldinho, and was subsequently eclipsed on the international stage by his sharpshooting namesake Juninho Pernambucano. Still, “The Little Fella” carried on his jinking joyous ways with Middlesbrough and became a firm favourite not just at the Riverside, but also among all admirers of the Premier League.

7. Shinji Ono

Without the celebrity of Hidetoshi Nakata or the adoration wrought from Shunsuke Nakamura’s famous free kicks, the original Shinji had to rely on good ol’ fashioned footballing genius to get by. Thankfully, that he had aplenty, becoming a fans’ favourite at Feyenoord as he became the first Japanese to win the UEFA Cup. Injuries hampered his career as he decidedly wound down in Australia, where he consistently proved to be in a class of his own.

6. Giovane Elber

In the endless galaxy of Bayern superstars it is easy to lose Elber somewhere out there. Yet this is a man who has scored 133 goals in the Bundesliga and can readily be considered as the deadliest Brazilian to have plied his trade in Germany. Since leaving the club Bayern has sought to replace the genius that is Giovane with the likes of Miroslav Klose, Roy Makaay, Luca Toni and Mario Gomez, but I simply can’t imagine any of them pulling off the sort of magic you’ll see in the video above.

5. Johan Micoud

Ceremoniously named after Johan Cryuff, Johan Micoud’s slight physique merely adds to his deceitful gift. With the technical ability to match his boundless imagination, Micoud was Gourcuff before Gourcuff himself, the natural understudy of a certain Zinedine Zidane, which also meant he was necessarily in his shadow. While this made an international breakthrough difficult, Micoud was relentless in Germany, leading Werder Bremen to the domestic double in 2004.

4. Mark Viduka

Having properly announced himself on the scene with an unforgettable four goal performance against Liverpool, ‘The Duke’ forged a formidable partnership with the more flashy Alan Smith and Harry Kewell as they terrorised defences in his four dangerously glorious seasons at Icarus United. Strong, sharp and possessing ‘a good touch for a big man’, Viduka’s craftiness bankrolled a few more good years worth of fun against Premier League defences.

3. Sergen Yalçın

The troubled Turk was probably just a bit too good. His genius was evident and he knew it, creating the sort of complacency that plagued Paul Gascoigne’s own career. For long periods he was unmanageable and welcomed the parallels with England’s own enfant terrible (“Really? So he is the Sergen of British football, is he?”), but equally as long was he brilliant. Perhaps his legacy was truncated by his misguided decision to spend his whole career in Turkey, famously becoming the first player to have represented all of the country’s four big clubs. I, for one, would have loved to have seen more of his magical left foot.

2. Juan Carlos Valeron

Before the Xavi-Iniesta axis there was one Valeron. Slow and skinny, Valeron joined Deportivo as an equal to the tricky Djalminha but emerged as a strong fixture in club folklore, with Diego Tristan and Roy Makaay feeding off his passes to become consecutive winners of the Pichichi trophy as Deportivo ceremoniously ushered in the millenium; it was little surprise that his decline would later coincide with the Deportivo’s own. Still, his grace and skill will always be etched in memory as we eulogise what might be the last of a generation of the uncanny, unathletic playmaker.

1. Eiður Guðjohnsen

I loved this man to bits for so many reasons: his sheer Icelandic-ness, his elegant celebrations, his vision and versatility, and most of all the way he fought off the big money signings to maintain his place in a competitive Chelsea XI. A poor man’s Guti, Eiður Guðjohnsen was full of guile and full of class, never the star, but always on par. He recently marked his comeback to English football by setting up living legend Emile Heskey for a debut goal – need anything more be said?

Fat Frank Football Talk

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Because footballers’ stupidity knows no end. Because every Fantasy Football manager needs to moan. Because Neville’s nibbles are wasted on Monday nights. Because there’s so much football, but so little time. Because for every new low, a new high. Because every Crouch Potato needs his Chubby Alonso.

Chubby Alonso loves his football, oh you bet he does. From the vantage of his comfortable armchair he will say what he sees and talk what he thinks: no holds barred, fat frank football talk.

Of course, there’s plenty of football talkers out there, but perhaps none with the same range of passing comments. On his day, Chubby Alonso blends pinpoint accuracy with James Dean casualness in his approach to issues and – particularly before a weekend’s fixtures – enjoys the odd punt from distance.

Chubby Alonso hates divers and loves the vanishing spray. Once in a while he gets off the couch, dusts down the nacho bits and actually heads for a stadium somewhere, somehow. He was a bit of a journeyman in his time and can’t quite get away from the continental colour, though his years in England have acquainted him well with the Match of the Day theme tune and Michael Owen’s deteriorating reputation. He has strangely noble hopes of football becoming a real force for good, and pines after the eureka! moment he is certain will come through all this watching, thinking and writing.

Chubby Alonso is as charming as you’d imagine him to be; if he ever offends… he’s just being Frank.